Is that fried chicken I smell cooking? (no) Oh.

Local news: I need a haircut, currently I appear to auditioning for the role of Slave #2.

I’m way too excited to meet John Witherspoon, I don’t want to come off as a d*ck rider, but tattooing “Bang Bang Bang” on my neck isn’t too much right? C’mon August…

I have my precious iPhone 4 now, to all those who are without I feel your pain. Not really, last night I made love to it and then we feel asleep in our mess. I work hard, I play hard (begins dancing to Teach Me How to Dougie).

Hopefully everyone caught the great Louis C.K.’s new show LOUIE on FX last night. If you missed it, you are not loved. You have my sympathy; catch a repeat and a whole basket of God’s love.

July 13th feels like it’s an ocean away but soon Curren$y "Spitta" will grace us with his new album and tiny angels will come down and kiss the faces of those who purchase it. Every time that you put the album on repeat the angel will return to whisper something in your ear that is pleasant to hear. “You are very attractive and your breath smells like delicious Fruit by the Foot.”

I’m trying to work on a joke about Pachyderms, I could say elephant but that term has always made me laugh. Plus, it makes me think of Babar.

National news: Chris Brown didn’t want to be known for beating women so instead he will be referred as a b*tch. That is all.

I hate being a victim of a stereotype but guess which soda I’m drinking: A) Orange B) Grape C) Sprite? See below for the answer…

I’m infatuated with “Yo Momma” jokes right now. I make them to myself and try to lock them away for the moment that an opportunity presents itself. Example: “I have to pick up some more Mr. Bubbles.” Why? “Because your mother was over last night and used the whole bottle. She really loves that stuff.” Zing!

Two wrongs don’t make a right… Hey! You, little kid! Get away from my car before I take a sh!t on your skateboard and make you eat it! Sorry; where was I?

I was in NY on Sunday and Monday, when I arrived it was right in the middle of gay pride festivities. I have never been exposed to that much gay in my entire life. It looked like the most fun a gay person could have, I feel like calling it “a gay person’s Mardi Gras” isn’t doing it justice. And the beautiful women, my God! Something still seems off-putting about watching two gigantic, ripped, brick-sh!t house men giving piggy backs across the street but hey, what can you do? I also got to chill and joke with the Fowlest for awhile, I miss him being around but perhaps I’ll do what all DC people do and move. Perhaps…

Anyone not watching the Boondocks this season is only hurting themselves. “I like you, and I wants you.” They’ll catch up eventually.

Well, I must go and feed the creature I keep chained down on floor zero. If he doesn’t get his mashed up taters he starts morphing into something horrible.

Peaces

Do I have to put something nasty in your mouth to make you frown?

I wrote a blog a few days ago but it met a tragic, programmer, error. While I was wrapping it up, a programmer needed to work at my desk for a minute and with the document out and my supervisor standing over him staring at it he asked “Do you want to save this?” I said “No, just delete it please.” Since it was a couple of pages long he asked again, while she tries to speed read, and I urged him to just do it. I had gold on there, now we’ll never know…

“Frown…frown harder…harder! Do you want me to put something nasty in your mouth to make you frown?!”

Today’s word of the day is marmalade, when used it cannot be talking about the condiment. Example: “I don’t care how get in done, marmalade that ass right up the ladder and get that boomerang you begged me to buy you. Before I lose patience with you.”

Things I hope I don’t have to answer for in the afterlife:
-Laughing repeatedly at my co-worker’s “challenged” daughter
-Not voting in the presidential election when Kerry lost to Bush
-My fetish for grapes (what does that mean?)
-Fantasies as a slave owner, white slaves
-Daydreams where I gain a superpower and become a villain instantly
-Mary Jane

My friend Jessie and I were joking about someone with a ridiculously big “junk” that trailed behind them like some horrible snake. “Hey, you know your d*ck is up here at the top of the stairs?” Sorry, (tug, tug, tug) is it gone now? “Yeah, thanks, I just don’t like when it stairs at me while I’m eating. I feel like I should feed it or something.

When did the Black Eyed Peas become the Beatles? They’re huge!

The FedEx tracking number for my iPhone 4 is 431939755515. Feel free to keep your eyes open for it.

A comedy trip with some friends this weekend, can’t wait. Everything tends to get silly when a bunch of silly people go somewhere different. Then things stop getting silly, and start getting REAL. The Real World: New York Again Part 4

Am I going to be a 70-year-old man waiting on A Tribe Called Quest to come back?

I ate fried chicken from Popeye’s today, but I ate it so fast there was no time to take a picture to go up top. So I went with Snuffy.

Alright, I’m out, but I will have many good things to talk about when next back at the helm.

Peaces

Put on a shirt?! I'm a war hero, you're welcome!

Only one story on my plate worth sharing today, the large group of handicapped people that came into the Comedy Spot last night right in time for Hot Broth. These people were obviously physically and mentally handicapped and some comics even tried being nice and asking if they were lost. I assume half of the question is trying to be helpful and the other half just wants a bad situation to be removed. Sadly, there was no improv show, just rehearsal so they were there for the open mic. Let the games begin!

Ahmed began the show as host and went up and ignored the elephant in the room pretty well. It couldn’t have taken more than three seconds into his first words before one of them made a noise. This noise would be best described as what Carlos Mencia is trying to imitate when you lets loose his battle cry. I’m not proud to say it, but this is where I began to lose it. I had the perfect seat for looking into Ahmed’s soul and whether he was just trying to look straight ahead or looking right at me, it was hilarious the look he wore while trying to ignore the obvious. I looked around in my fit of inward-giggling and noticed that no one else was really laughing for anything. I was a ball of silly, and whoever the creepy guy next to me with rape face was, knew it. I was looking to the ground with tears in my eyes when one jumped up.

The woman needed to use the restroom, and the guardian person did not want her to at that time. They fought about it in front of Ahmed for several seconds. Then finally the guardian grabs the woman’s arm and got the woman to sit, for about five seconds, then she popped back up and went hauling a$$ for the door. The guardian chased and they left the others to enjoy another 5 minutes, at most, of comedy. Ahmed finished up and brought on Eli, after asking if anyone had sex (a lot of replies were yes) a woman made the “noise” again. People laughed a little harder and Eli said “grow up guys” then all of the handicapped guests stood up and hauled a$$. It was weird, but I’m glad I didn’t have to try and perform with something that uncomfortable going on. I know I would’ve laughed so Ahmed, kudos to you. I liken it try to stay on topic while a guy in the front row slowly and methodically reached out for your junk. The urge to slap his fingers would be too strong, and I’d probably laugh at his horrible attempt to unass some of that shoot (slang for going for the hog).

When I told Nelson about it last night we had a laugh that generally only comes from XTREME tickling.

Curren$y’s Pilot Talk comes out on June 22nd! Jets fool…

Peaces

Who said money makes you classy?

For those who came to preview the State Theatre show on Saturday, feast up.


And here we are in the phase again, ah, I wish I was home nursing a bottle of Miller Lite watching Red Dead Redemption remind me how far video games have come. Sigh, maybe Saturday morning…

Next Saturday, June 12th come see Ahmed, Courtney Fearrington, Jessie Thomas, Andy Kline and TRich at the State Theatre in Falls Church! We’ll be making fun happen from 9-11 PM and ticket prices will come shortly. Jaaaam!

I understand why I have some Shakira music, that is completely in Spanish, on my iPod. But why on earth do I keep coming across Spanish people I’ve never heard of before on shuffle? Who are these Spanishes and how did they find me.

Go to Google’s homepage, then search “Google won’t” and click I’m feeling lucky. Trust me…

Chicago, don’t you hide from me, I’m coming! Not til August though. Sigh.

To hell with the chili in my car that I brought for lunch, Daddy needs his Chipotle fix and I’m gonna get it gosh darnit.

A woman at work is dressed inappropriately no matter what she is wearing, we call that blessed.

I should really go get that chili from my car, otherwise I fear it will get so hot outside that the chili will cook itself in the plastic container on my floor. And then there will be chili stink in my car; unacceptable.

I took my mother to see Sex and The City 2 on Monday, apparently it was the national day for black women to see that movie. I have not seen a movie in theaters with my mother since I was a child, once I was old enough to see stuff on my own that’s exactly what I did. She was talking to me loudly throughout the movie, and so was every other black woman in the theater. I had to do something, Samantha (Charlotte and Miranda, no love for Carrie) deserved our silence and since I paid for us to see it I wasn’t about to miss the girls for conversation that I didn’t pay to hear. I yelled “Mom, if you don’t stop talking to me like we’re in your living room I’m going to get upset.” I think all of the other women got the point because I was able to focus on the movie after that. You just can’t take some people anywhere, and yeah, I love my mommy.

This was a quicker blog, but I’ll try to do this tomorrow.

Peaces