Crab legs for breakfast? Did somebody start ballin'?

November 13, 2009. The State Theatre. Genre: Comedy Doors: 8:00 PM Showtime: 9:00 PM Tickets: $11
Check out some of DC's most hilarious comedians at work. Featuring Tyler Richardson, Jermaine Fowler, Seaton Smith, Will Hessler, and Eli Sairs
18 and up to enter. VALID ID required JUST GO!

Well, now that I’m going to make a sincere effort to stand back up on the scene, I might as well get back on my blogging. Who does random better?

Highlights of last night for me were: Hampton tripping and almost face planting into SPE’s lap. Barylick calling a woman “the lady from the movie The Wrestler.” Actually seeing Tyler S. again, been too long, now the Tyler-Bot 3000 is complete again. And getting to say goodbye to Mr. Jake Young. He may be on his way to a memory, after he and Eli rock it up tonight @ 7 (Eli you have to love the plug, should I give the name too? Yeah?) Velvet Lounge, 3 Chord Comedy. Es muy bueno.

It’s 10:00 and my cell phone just hit 69% battery life… giggle.

New Lil Wayne mixtape drops tomorrow, it’s called No Ceilings. Most has been leaked but it’s all out there tomorrow. Jaaaam!

Uh oh, it’s time for the Friday 10:13 zipper thumbing. Every gently press the right thumb to your zipper and try to follow me during this exercise. Okay now for those of you that may finish a little quicker than others, that doesn’t mean you need to stop thumbing your zipper. Okay, do everyone have a trash can close by for the waste. Let’s start working that zipper, up and down and 1 and 2 and 3 and hold. 1 and 2 and 3 and uh oh, I busted. Moving on.

We have to keep it shorter than normal but I’d like to say some words that make me laugh inside:
Cockamamie
Hand crafted
Moot
Fecal (what?! I’m immature and poop will always be funny to me)
Taint
Beef Stroganov ( I know it’s food, but that sounds like something you do not something you eat)
Pelt
Schmooze
Seed
Obese
Skittles

Enough, I tire of that, plus I have meeting in like 7 minutes. What’s in the news you ask?

Men in Black 3… sigh.

Peaces, I’m off to NY this weekend. I’m sure I’ll have adventures of Keith, TRich and the Fowlest to report when I get back. w00t

I have returned!

A lot of comedy coming up for the next several months but let's start by plugging what's up first:

November 13th at the State Theater: Will Hessler, Eli Sairs, Seaton Smith, Tyler Richardson and Jermaine Fowler! Tickets are $11, doors open at 8 and the show begins at 9. Must be 18 to enter. Show love folks.

Upon sitting here for a minute, I spotted what appeared to be some skin of mine on an affidavit. I went to flick it away and it didn’t move. Two things immediately ran through my mind. The first is someone was eating an Iced Fudge Glazed Krispy Kreme doughnut at my desk in the middle of the night and let a piece hit my paper. The other option was that a mystery booger stumbled onto my desk and I just touched it with my bare skin. That’s how my Wednesday started.

Did you recognize the quintessential villain from every 80's movie worth remembering in the picture above? Did you know he was gay? Look him up in IMDB, he's there with his lover. Just something I found interesting.

I tweeted about a man who received a 31 year sentence after smearing and hurling his own feces in a courtroom yesterday. Slowly another story, not involving feces, makes me laugh more and more. Here it is (given to us to laugh about by http://law.rightpundits.com/?p=920): Man Punches “Zombie” In Iowa Restaurant - You know you’ve watched too many zombie movies when you perceive someone you see on the street as a zombie. Such might well be the case of this incidence.

It seems that in the early morning hours on Sunday, October 25, 2009, a man was ordering food at an Iowa City restaurant when another man accused him of being a ‘zombie’ and punched him in the face. The restaurant is just south of the University of Iowa campus, so it’s possible that the assailant was playing too many ‘zombie’ games on his Playstation.
Whatever the case, the one guy was just minding his own business and ordering food at a Panchero’s restaurant at 1:17 a.m. when the perpetrator socked him in the nose. The victim pulled out his cell phone and tried to call the police. At that point, the man punched him in the nose again, breaking his nose.

The assailant fled out of a back door of the restaurant while the victim was taken to the hospital in an ambulance. Neither of the men’s names have been released. There is no further information as to whether or not the attacker has been captured or the condition of the man with the broken nose.

Iowa City Area CrimeStopper is offering a $1,000 reward for information leading to the arrest of the suspect. If you have any information on the man who punched the ‘zombie’ at the Iowa restaurant, you can call CrimeStoppers at 358-TIPS (8477).

The assailant is described as a dark-complected white male, short brown hair, between 6′ to 6′2″, weighting between 200 and 230 pounds. He is about 20 years of age. At the time of the assault, he was wearing a blue jeans and a brown coat.

And we’re back… hope everyone could giggle at a mean scenario that did not involve them like I did. Good times.

I always dreamed that by this age I would have found a pool of oil in my back yard and retired to search for the last Dodo bird. Oh it’s out there… I’ll find it one day.

Time to schedule a dentist appointment. The chipped tooth is really getting on my nerves. I’m like a fat person that refuses to work out, don’t pity me.

For the first time in my life I watched about 15 minutes of an episode of Friends last night. I was entertained, so I guess I’m a gay guy now… or white. Sigh, I have to call my mother. Oh God, she’s gonna be heartbroken either way.

I have high hopes for the next several months as far as comedy is concerned. An opportunity to make a tape I’ve been trying to get to someone forever and a day now; travel, and even seeing the Fowlest a few times. Starting with Sunday…

Nelson’s quote of the day: “If that’s rape… well I guess I’m guilty.”

Must get back to the gym, my heartbeat is showing.

Can it be that AT&T’s service is getting worse than I already despised it for being? I have to get up and walk to the bathroom sometimes to get service enough for a text message. Picture message? Well that involves me walking all the way outside, I really have to care to send a pic during the work day.

Apparently when you’re trying to figure out who is spoken about, asking “Who, the midget?” is rude. Go figure.

I declined the opportunity to give $1 to end world hunger at KFC on Saturday and still feel really good about it. (You’re a jerk) I know (You’re a jerk) I know, hey you ain’t never lie but eh, do me a favor call me jerk one more time… I love that song.

Lil Wayne is going to jail. How am I, excuse me… are we, supposed to survive an entire year without a hit single every week or two with him on it. I hope he’s working double time to make sure it’s like he never left. Tupac style.

Well, I’m off for training in dragon killing. Oh I’m excited!

Peaces

And little Jimmy is at bat... swing and a seizure.

How dare I lie the other day and then get sick when I should’ve been weaving tales of madness and love. Just in case it helps someone down the road; don’t eat road candy. That goes for highway Snicker bars, trash can 100 Grands, barely pooped on Starbursts and a little peed on Kit Kat bar. You will get sick, trust me.

Dance to yourself for a moment while I sip Cherry Coke. Now hit the Booty Doo.

Why do work erections always put me to sleep? They’re a gift and a curse.

I don’t know why I have the urge to scream out “sex party!” but when something feels this right how could it be wrong. Then again, that’s the same thing I used to say about not wearing condoms… and not washing fruit that I’ve purchased… and not flirting with fat women. Nah, I’m right.

I wish ice cream could scream when I ate it. I love a good horror tale.

You put your left foot, you take your left foot out… God, I’m bored. Yet I still don’t really want the week to end. I’m terrible at committing to anything, I didn’t even finish the hokey pokey a sentence ago.

The Fowlest’s CD is out, cop that junks. Word.

“What up b*tch! Who is this calling my phone from a random number? (It’s your mother, she just had an accident and is using the tow truck driver’s cell phone) Oh, hi mommy.” END

What are you going to be for Halloween? “A rapist.” This quote was taken from a conversation between myself and my friend Jocelyn earlier today. Did I mention that there is nothing funny about rape?

I wonder if I should’ve capitalized the r in rapist… nah, let’s move on.

When a woman who can barely fit her boobs in her shirt makes references to them during a conversation. I’d like to consider that God giving the “go ahead.”

Tomorrow is Friday, for years I’ve protected the Earth from certain doom with a dance I perform to keep the goblins below our crust. I’ve danced and watched as children are born and grow. I’ve watched people win the lottery and buy shirts more expensive than my finest silk skin condoms. But tomorrow, I say no more. I will not dance for a world that encourages Gucci Mane. Brace yourself for the end of times, I’m going to play the lotto!

Trojan Man visited my living room the other night. Problem was that I was alone at the time, and not having “relations.” He just wanted a place to relax and drink, so we watched 9 and a half weeks. He refused to share my popcorn, so I had none. Uncool house guest of the year award…

Oh God, a herpe! Nope, never mind, this is just a weird mouth pimple.

I could go for a bowl of mashed potatoes right now. I just had lunch but I’d like to launch it at someone’s face. Snoogens

Peaces

A day away from madness

Not really, just a busy day at work. Tomorrow I've almost prepared a story of intrigue and deception. It stars a young gremlin named Shamus... not really, but hopefully it will get a chuckle or two. My schedule just got a little lighter and I can't wait to hit put that extra time to good use. I'm still writing and am looking forward to getting feedback. To those participating in the festival this weekend, kick booty! We'll talk tomorries...

Peaces

Toaster's Strudel; A Serial Killer's best friend

Hello again, let’s just be random and jump in.

On Saturday I read that the Dodo bird is extinct because they all queefed at the same time. After taking a minute to really let that settle I realized it was Nelson’s handwriting on a napkin and discredited that theory. Well played Sayson, well played.

For Halloween I intend to go as a streaker.

Lately my roommates and I have been going crazy with the hot sauce (which is an understatement) known as Endorphin Rush. Naturally I will let you know how it works out, but we have this great idea for a friend that I know does not read this blog. He is a mooch and can’t resist the urge to ask for any of what you are eating. Rather than try to pass him the “poison” piece of whatever the food of choice will be, we’re going to dump that crap on everything. It’s worth having an hour and a half of discomfort for a really good prank. Did I mention that he cannot tolerate anything spicy. It’s always fun and games until someone’s system can’t take it and dies. We’re good friends.

I don’t want to go into too much detail about it, but on a recent first date a woman told me she had been raped. Within the next two hours I actually used the sentence “I find rape funny… not yours but in general.” True story

I don’t know how many references to Dead Poets Society I’m going to have to endure this month, so far I think the count on popular TV shows is three, but I hate Robin Williams’ movies. I can’t force myself to cut myself.

I have to stop telling people that I do not read. Nothing positive can come of it. I don’t run into anyone that throws out “Showering feels like a waste of time.”

Thank you Chevy Chase, you’re the best part of my Thursday. Well, to be honest you’re tied with my accounting professor who is a smoking hot celtic woman. But she had coffee breath on Thursday so you’re in the lead for a couple of days.

Places I never want to wake up again:
On the grass in my neighborhood (apparently what seemed like a stumble was a 3 hour nap)
On my couch with Kevin’s feet in my lap… no comment
On the toilet, my ass has never been in a coma like that before
Michigan
I-95, that’s just irresponsible. City driving is just catching up on some sleep though.

For awhile I believed that Ja Rule was a song away from a comeback. Just because 50 Cent ended his career way back in 2003 doesn’t mean that he couldn’t flow anymore right? Wrong, last night I saw a new video with Christina Milian featuring Mr. Rule and he was terrible. Like watching a retarded kid catch raindrops.

Is acne contagious? Because I’m almost certain that there is an analyst spreading it amongst her friends. If I get it I know who I’m giving it to, Prince. No one deserves to be that pretty.

It’s been a year since I returned to school and I’m still unable to turn straw into gold. Sometimes I think what’s the point. Then I remember Rumpelstiltskin and that it can be done, and I study harder.

Chipotle burrito + Grandmama’s chili = Meat Sweats, yesterday was a long day.

For those that would like a break from the non-sense lets just take a second and think about Kathy Bates nude scene in About Schmidt. There, your mind should be a blank slate. Let’s resume…

I’m in the mood to sing a song today. But, I doubt that Baby’s Got Back is appropriate for the workplace. Instead I guess I’ll go with the song that doesn’t end.

Last night I may have spent about 5 minutes listening to domestic violence next door. I say may because they were African and I imagine that the sex could sound a lot like domestic violence. There was a lot of yelling in another language with the occasional thud. Time will tell, but either way it was none of my business.

In case I don’t jump back on before the week is over (Jesus, it’s only Tuesday) I cannot wait for this great weekend coming up. In case I do have time to blog (my God he’s actually been working while at work) then we shall do this tango tomorrow.

Peaces