The adventures of a racist spider named Claus

November 17th 2004- Wilbur the pig was killed today. Since Charlotte died I have tried to console him… and find nourishment in her corpse. The pig was weak and could barely stand the sight of me picking the meat from her “bones.” He will be missed, until the pulled pork luncheon the farmer has planned tomorrow night. Oh Wilbur, I hope you don’t taste like your Buddhist views, because I’m Methodist.

April 13th 2006- Today I spit on a Hispanic… then I bit his 11-year-old wife.

March 11th 2003- Today I caught the biggest fly I’ve seen in a long time. I was so excited that I couldn’t even eat it right away. For hours I sat and spoke to the creature I would soon consume. His name was Wally. We spoke of his family, he pleaded for his life, we spoke of politics, sports and women. Don’t get me wrong, any chance that Wally got to plea for his life he would come right back to it, but I was moved. I’d always looked at things that land in my webs as food or rape food but never took the time to see how they lived. Wally offered many interesting new point of views and I felt like I could listen to him talk forever… then I drained him because it was 11:47 AM and I grew hungry. His name was Wally…

September 3rd 2005- I saw my best friend get killed while we were walking through a bad area… of the kitchen. Little girl sees us, we see the girl, then she’s screaming and slamming a newspaper up and down. She caught Fred pretty good, poor bastard never even tried to move. Humans are the deadliest creatures known to man yet we get killed while out for a stroll. Even though he was a mook, he deserved better than that.

September 4th 2005- I crept in the kid’s mouth and $#!T all over the place. For you Fred…

July 1st 2008- There are an awful lot of black people outside today.

May 21st 2007- Recently moved toward the upper east side of town. Where the pee stained streets have been sprayed with cologne, hookers know how to whisper and meth heads still say “Good Morning!” Less of the Chinese and a lot more Indians that didn’t fight cowboys out here. I’ll live.

January 1st 2003- I hear a bunch of black guys saying “Happy new year my N!gg@s!” Apparently, that is not cool for me to say without being black. Don’t they know how many Richard Pryor DVDs I’ve purchased? I earned it.

March 24th 2006- Went to an amusement park in one of the boy’s pockets. I found nothing amusing about that place or the horrific rides it houses. I may never feel joy again.

February 20th 2007- Whomever said that “You are what you eat” ate sh!t, cause they were full of it. A fat woman was enjoying a sprinkle doughnut when I bit her. She tasted like a screaming fat woman… no sprinkles or icing.

October 13th 2005- Paris Hilton is attractive; I do not see why the humans think so because she is clearly a spider… hmm.

December 25th 2008- Prayer: “Dear Spider God, please bring everyone that I know and care for, Paris Hilton, remain safe and blessed. Let my enemies have their eyes and testicles taken from them… Jews, and lastly I need one big favor. I know that I don’t work, but how am I ever going to get a job when you let the freakin Hispanics have all of the “miscellaneous” work? Please let them have their own country where they can roam free, like Canada, and let us have this small strip of Alabama for our own. Amen.”

June 30th 2009- Sarah got pregnant, if that cheating scorpion thinks she can dope me into raising someone other spider’s clan she’s got another thing coming… (gun goes off)

Claus’ last will and testament:
I don’t have much to give but I do want to ask that I not be buried around too many blacks. I don’t want God to glance over me while looking for his children because I was standing in the shadow.

A lil laughter mixed with love...

Tomorrow I will dedicate much time to make myself (and hopefully at least a couple of you guys) laugh with a new blogerito. Today, I'm psyched that I've booked some comedy for the next couple of months and have even been writing a lil' bit... oh no, next he'll be going out to open mics again. July is the end of my laziness, I've soaked in my couch for a little while and need to stretch my penis... legs, I meant legs, again. Til we get around to "Adventures of a racist spider named Claus" (tomorrow, just dream of what that could turn into... mmm fudge cake) I leave you all with more thoughts pulled straight from my head....

This poem makes me think of my special someone (not the iPhone, though after Ms. C and my dog Max it's a close third):

Love Explanation by Melissa Sterner

"What is love?" you ask

It's a feeling in both mind and body

A passion, a chemistry one might say

Longing to be near, close,

Long talks about nothing,

Laughter and sharing

Eyes filled with devotion,

Not wanting to imagine life without the other,

Doing nothing together and having the best time.

Well, I think, you know the answer already

Listen to your heart with open ears

You will hear the answer...it is very clear.

Tomorrow: a real blog...

Laters

When Tyler met iPhone....

I know you guys couldn't be there when I finally got my iPhone, but I'd like you to imagine me walking out of the store looking the people still in line in the eyes. And, I reach in the bag, let the Cha Cha Slide begin!

This time we're gonna get funky (funky)
Everybody clap your hands
Clap clap clap clap your hands
Clap clap clap clap your hands
Alright we gonna do the basic steps
To the left
Take it back now y'all
One hop this time
Right foot lets stomp
Left foot lets stomp
Cha cha real smooth
Turn it out
To the left
Take it back now y'all
One hop this time
Right foot lets stomp
Left foot lets stomp
Cha cha now y'all
Last time to get funky
To the right now
To the left
Take it back now y'all
One hop this time, one hop this time
Right foot two stomps
Left foot two stomps
Slide to the left
Slide to the right
Criss cross, criss cross
Cha cha real smooth
Lets go to work
To the left
Take it back now y'all
Two hops this time, two hops this time
Right foot two stomps
Left foot two stomps
Hands on your knees, hands on your knees
Get funky with it
Ooooooooh yeah (come on)
Cha cha now y'all
Turn it out
To the left
Take it back now y'all
Five hops this time
Right foot lets stomp
Left foot lets stomp
Right foot again
Left foot again
Right foot lets stomp
Left foot lets stomp
FREEEZE
Everybody clap your hands(Come on y'all)
(Check it out y'all)How low can you go?
Can you go down low?
All the way to the floor
How low can you go?
Can you bring it to the top?
Like you never never stop?
Can you bring it to the top, one hop
Right foot now
Left foot now y'all
Cha cha real smooth
Turn it out
To the left
Take it back now y'all
One hop this time
One hop this time
Reverse (reverse)
Slide to the left
Slide to the right
Reverse, reverse
Reverse, reverse
Cha cha now y'all, cha cha again
Cha cha now y'all, cha cha again
Turn it out
To the left
Take it back now y'all
Two hops two hops
Two hops two hops
Right foot lets stomp
left foot let stomp
Charlie brown
Hop it out now
Slide to the right
Slide to the left
Take it back now y'all
Cha cha now y'all
Oooh yeah mmm, yeah do that stuff oooh yeah I'm out y'all peace!

Wash that condom out... recycle baby.

I keep having the same idea for convincing my sister not to put any thought into intercourse: make her watch porn featuring me. The sneak attack is what I would use, don’t want her agreeing to watch my stroke… that’s disgusting. But a simple “Hey, check out this clip from That’s So Raven…” and I’ll have her doped. As soon as I hit play there is body paint, toe sucking’, ass slapping, blasphemy, oral, choking, gagging, more oral and as always the high five during doggy that is now trademarked into all of my films. I’ll scare her away because once she realizes that what she witnessed was just scratching the surface of a man’s creative and sexual mind she’ll need to study. Or make sure she’s in love first. Plus I’ll threaten her…

Today I’m going to the DMV. There’s nothing funny about that.

Well iPhone users (soon to be brothers and sisters), today the OS 3.0 went live, let the downloading begin.

The other day I had a terrible case of “Spicy Twice” (spicy going in, extra spicy coming out) but experienced rape-ish pain for the first time in my life. I questioned if I would make it in to work the next morning because it rocked me that bad. I was unable to wipe so I stood there clenching and switching tissue. All I could think was “is this what it feels like when you wake up in prison and just know you’ve been raped?”

The kid who murdered his family because they took away his Halo 3 privileges received a life sentence. Thank God, crazy people like that give video gamers a bad name and he would’ve killed anyway. Whether it was because his wife cheated or someone smudged his Puma, maybe just because it was a Tuesday, he was a killer. Let the animals in prison make love to him until he is sane.

Whenever I think of Will Smith’s son playing the lead in the Karate Kid remake it really stabs a part of my childhood. Cute kid, but I’d rather they made 50 year old Ralph Macchio look like a young twenty-something again. Let the ghost of Pat Mortia play Mr. Myagi… oh Jackie Chan. Where is Jet Li when you need him?

I enjoy seeing at what point during a Lil Wayne song my family will decide they have heard enough. For my mother last night the song was his Drought 3 remix of Upgrade You. My mother made it to “If you don’t like it n*gga f*ck you no Vaseline!” before she began reaching and saying “Okay now, turn it off.” Oh Weezy, you devil…

Sleeping… gorilla hand job… no wait, fat woman dream where all of the creases make a sexual sound whilst I get it on. Mmm, oh no, heres the poo- “ding”. Dynamite!

Lastly, in the short wick of this blog candle allow me to show you a reason why on Friday I will $#!T… with joy: http://news.cnet.com/8301-17938_105-10266380-1.html?tag=rb_content;tabbedPromoUnitHolder Let the feast begin!

Peaces

Letters that never made it...

Dear Mom,

For the first seven years of my life I thought you were a deranged woman that kidnapped me. I just didn't see a resemblance. Love your baby boy.

Dear Captain Crunch,

What happened to the Soggies? Every time you turned around they were messing things up for you and then suddenly... they got jobs? I'm not saying that they didn't deserve whatever they got, but did they have children? You're a monster.

Mr. French Toast Crunch Chef,

You thought you were slick; Where are your brothers that have been MIA for the better part of 15 years? If Snap suddenly lost Crackle and Pop people would ask questions but somehow you swerved around that. I want $15K underneath the oak with a hobo from Laos sleeping beneath it. Next Friday, noon, unmarked bills. "Don't f*ck with me Chef."

Dear Britney Spears,

Please wear socks. You've got a lot of dance moves, unfortunately dancing puts a strain on the toe game. P.S.- I saw you naked on the Internet the other day... gross.

Dear Scott,

You whispered something to me yesterday in class and your breathe smelled so strongly of $#!T that you made my eyes water. Show some self respect, it's smelled you ate a Snickers bar made of $#!T. And, I still need to borrow the homework for science, later.

Dear Justin Timberlake,

Though I tell people that you are gay, I'm secretly a huge fan. I know all of the moves to your songs, one day I think we should go to a karaoke bar. No homo...

Dear T-Mobile,

We only have four more days together. It's been a hell of a ride these past four years. You were just a big breasted red-head when we met and now you've blossomed into the trailer trash hottie I always knew you would be. I don't know how to tell you this so I'll just spit it out... I've found someone else. She's not as pretty as you, but to me she has the most beautiful smile in the world. Her name? iPhone, I don't believe you know her. We're moving to AT&T on Friday once she's gotten her new rhinoplasty. I'm sorry... I'm in love. One day you'll understand. Goodbye.

Dear National Football League,

As a Virginian I would like to request that we have our own team. I've written this same letter to the other professional sports leagues in hopes that someone will have compassion. What kind of choice have you left us with? Cheer for the Redskins?! Come the F*ck on! Please.

Dear Mr. Penis,

Yesterday you made English class pretty uncomfortable. When it is time to speak in front of the class I would appreciate it if you would just stand behind me. I think you get more than enough attention when we get off of school in the afternoon.

Dear Santa Claus,

For the third straight year you have cheaped out and given me much less than the $1 Million Dollars I have asked for. Go F*ck yourself, I was good the entire year. Can Will Smith's son say that?!

Alright, well I'm off... til we do this dance again...

Peaces

If I had to guess I'd say your finger smells like cat penis... Am I right?

Lately life has felt way too busy, but sadly I’ve been slacking more the past few weeks than I have in a long time. But I’ve written a couple of new bits and am eager to see if it can make a fat man laugh or not. Cause that’s what I’m after, that chubby love.

Today I saw a disabled (definitely mentally, slightly physically) man at a bus stop. I see this man virtually everyday on the drive in. Everyday I avert my eyes because I don’t want to be rude. Today I stopped at a light practically right in front of him. I didn’t look away today. Instead I watched more than I should have. I watched as he turned around so the car right in front of him couldn’t see him. I watched him talk nervously to himself like I do when a situation is awkward. I became sad, not necessarily for him but because it could’ve been anyone. No joke there, just reflecting out loud. Never take the situation you have for granted, someone else might not think it’s that bad.

I could really go for some fried chicken.

I’ve set up my new AT&T wireless plan, I’ve reserved my new iPhone 3G S and I’m fully erect. Bring on June 19th!

My girlfriend thinks I have an Asian fetish. That’s the nicest compliment I’ve received in a long time, cause I am not attractive enough to have a preference. We uglies, we take what we can get, much love to all my mustache shorties.

Nelson and I have a couple of (what we think are) great ideas for the next Riding with Strangers webisodes. Keep your dongs crossed that we get off our lazy arses and do something.

I remember liking the Addams Family a lot as a kid, ah to be young and have no taste. Christopher Lloyd will always be the man though. Bless you sir, and next time you take a journey through time take me with you.

A grown man who has a Soulja Boy Tell’em Ring back is clearly not ready to grow up yet. “And Peter Pan told Tinkerbell to sprinkle magic dust on Jerome and he took off toward Never Never Land. And that’s how black people came to our island…” – Random Lost Boy

The fact that people still have to fax things boggles my mind, scan that $#!T on a computer baby… that’s so 2001.

Sometimes it feels good to go back to an old whore. I’ve abandoned DirectTv for Comcast and it feels good. It feels familiar, and I don’t care how many my friends it f*cked, let people say “it’s loose” or “it gave me herpes.” Why can’t they just be happy for us?

Right now T.I. is probably thinking “I’m rich, what the f*ck am I doing $#!TTING in this prison bathroom?”

Does anyone remember Chris Brown is a woman biter? Just making sure, cause he’s going to have a hit single soon… “Hit single” oh, that’s good.

While on the elevator an older white man spoke to me, just to clear things up “HE IS A STRANGER.” I’m pretty sure that when he exhaled during our conversation a booger went flying towards my feet. That is why you don’t speak to strangers, you have no idea what’s going through their head while you speak to them. I honestly don’t even remember what we talked about.

I went to Dave and Buster’s with my family last Saturday. Despite thinking that we have nothing in common, we bonded over the Tiger Woods version of Golden Tee. Good times. Speaking of which, my mom told me for her birthday today she was going to hang out at a gym and pick up 20 year-old-men. There's nothing funny about a man younger than me somehow diddling my mommy. Plus, it's impossible... she doesn't have a vagina. Both my sister and I are miracles, because she's a saint.

There is a picture of Mickey Rourke as Whiplash (from Iron Man 2). Call me nuts but it looks like somebody just said “Let’s have Iron Man face Mickey Rourke!” But it will be awesome… yes Lord.

Gotta run, I’ve spent too much time looking at the hundreds of accessories I’m buying to go with my new iPhone and there’s no time for this blog-a-ma-jig.

Peaces

It's only been a week, are you sure the kid's mine?

It’s a beautiful rainy summer day. Allow me to cool you with a poem. I think I’ll call it… Boo Butta wit(h) Chee(se). Let’s begin…

I cannot recall my first lullaby
Or my first time bowling on Wii
But I sing all day long and bowl like a God
I’m hopped up on Boo Butta wit Chee
I’ve danced with a fatty from pity
And stabbed a hobo for glee
Sure the skinny girls look and they judge me
But they’re all just Boo Butta wit Chee
On Mondays I generally zone out
On Fridays I pee ate Charles’ feet
I don’t blame that just plain don’t get me
As I eat my Boo Butta wit Chee
You can scoop it up with a ladel
You stir for your favorite iced tea
But if Boo Butta came with a side “thing”
I’d ask for mine served with Swiss Cheese
Santa can’t have the elves make it
And Satan just ain’t got a clue
Cause the truth is for best Boo Butta
You gon’ need some Ooo Butta too
Midgets beat rocks with their toenails
And smoke crack through a hole in ice cubes
Cause Boo Butta is definitely off limits
For people shorter than 5’2
In prison they rape for its nectar
In jail they make love for its dew
Cause with Boo Butta pumping inside of tookus
Prison can be paradise too
Imaginary Doris can’t stand it
Cause the children grow up with one spoon
The Boo Butta deepens their voices
And puts mayo all over their pubes
Boo Butta with Chee is a lifestyle
Like “Fruit at the bottom, or stirred?”
If someone dare say that its nonsense
They should be slapped to the ground with a bird
Boo Butta had a fling with a hooker
And the d*ckskin condom broke
She took the child off to the Netherlands
Which broke ol’ man Boo Buttas heart
You see, Boo Butta is more than a movement
It’s a person with eyes and wings
So the next time that you get a chance to
Pour some Boo Butta all over me.

It doesn’t have to make sense. It’s beautiful, just listen to your genitals. What do they say? It’s okay, mine are a little soaked too. Mmmm, I’m drinking orange soda. Don’t let that distract you from the Boo Butta-ish thoughts running through your head right now. I just wanted you to know that I’m drinking orange soda because it’s delicious.

I’m in Richmond again next month (holy $#!T it’s been a while) and can’t wait. I’ll share one of many quotes my friend Jesse dropped on me yesterday: “Oh, the NBC stand up for diversity is back up and running huh? (he’s white) What if I said I was gay, made it in, then said I was cured?” And just for the fun of it, here’s another gem “Damn, she’s cute for a skinny girl.” That last one was courtesy of Travis Charles (Richmond comic) but told to me by Jesse.

Atif beat me many times in UFC. Don’t worry, I’ve been training… I must break him.

Disney-Pixar’s Up is a BJ that will leave you glued to your chair because of how much semen it is able to make you produce. I didn’t even mind being all sticky and covered in ectoplasm because it was that good.

I thought of something that was making me laugh on Friday that I began passing to anyone I thought might laugh. Basically, I was laughing at the thought of a young man in a chair being tortured… by a gorilla hand job. Imagine the rage in every jerk, the innocence in the gorilla (let’s call it Barry for the rest of this paragraph) eye’s and most importantly, the violence. He would get about 15 jerks in (or less, ouch) and snatch that thing off and start hitting the walls and even the man with in. The he would eat it, what? They’re cannibals, and that is in fact meat. D!ckmeat.

I must go and finish this “work” that I’m paid to do, don’t missed. Miss my Boo Butta….

Peaces.