402 posts of nothing to say!

Yesterday I started a great day off with an accident. As I was driving into work I was rejoicing over the fact that there was virtually no traffic at all. About two minutes away from work I noticed about 6 deer running together, it was almost beautiful, until I realized they were going into the street. The car heading opposite me on the two lane road hit one and the second it connected I saw three things:
1) The actual deer went flying into my lane! It was f’n cool to see though.
2) Fur, as though a bunch of dust bunnies got thrown in the air. Yet again, f’n cool.
3) Pieces of the car that made first contact were in the air and amidst the pieces were the deer’s antlers. They came off when it got hit and looked liked someone threw sticks at the accident.

The only thing that would’ve been cooler than that is if a human’s severed head came flying toward me and hit the car. Fortunately, the deer’s dead body landed right in front of my car but did not make contact. I sat there for a second and laughed (that’s how I react to most things, like fear) and then realized I needed to get to work and pulled around the corpse. What’s great is that this morning I passed the spot and thought of him, looked to my right and who’s on the curb grass? Dead Deer, with his brains falling out of his nostrils. Ah, you’ll be missed Dead Deer… you’ll be missed.

HBO had some documentary on late last night that went to the Deep South and seemed to be about the redneck reaction to Obama and the “new” direction of our country. Sadly, it was exactly what you expected: N*gger, “He’s a Muslim”, The only difference between oBama and oSama is B.S., Koon, etc. One man spoke very truthfully about how he just wasn’t ready for that, I can respect that, then he took a second to look over the NASCAR track and removed his sunglasses so he could weep. He wept because a black man was president and was going to “let a bunch of them foreigners over here to take our good jobs.” I could hardly contain myself as he wiped the tears away. It was the equivalents of watching someone take a camera and team to the worst inner city ghetto in the world and asking the most thugged out looking person there about politics. Said thug would probably get angry that he was explaining something while clearly being judged about having no clue about the subject. I felt a little bad for respectable white folks last night as I watched that program. One guy did amuse me pretty well, he was selling merchandise that was campaigning the racist hate towards Obama. When asked “Do you believe he’s a terrorist?” He said no, he said that his only problem with Obama was the direction he wanted to take our country in concerning the war. They asked him why he was selling the hate-wear and his response was “because I’m a capitalist.” Well said sir, well said.

Tax return time is lovely, I get my taxes done for free because my retiree Grandmamakins works at Jackson-Hewitt round this time of year. Every year I had her a bunch note tabs and try to explain that as a stripper it’s difficult to keep a paper trail on all the cash. She looks at me awkwardly and then asks me for my real w-2.

That was a lie, my Grandmamy knows if I’m selling my body I go all the way, male escort style.

This is completely unimportant, but Harry Potter’s summer 2010 movie (I can’t keep track of all those names) will come out the same weekend as Iron Man 2. Sadly, Bobert Downey Jr. might just be in for a good fight. Go Harry!

Well, I’m old now. A woman asked me how old I am, bear in mind that she was much older than I am, and when I said 25 she said “Damn… getting old huh?” It’s official, high school girls will definitely sleep with me know.

To any one that has not found the wonder of Daft Punk, “I hereby challenge thee to listen to Digital Love and not burst into dance!” That $#!T it pure rhythm man, pure rhythm.

I’ve got that “I did laundry last night” really good type feeling. Any other nasty people out there feel what I’m saying. Please don’t let me be the only nasty out there…

Chris Brown’s tragedy (the Wrigley’s suspension of advertising, not beating 7 shades of $#!T out of Rihanna) seems like years ago. I don’t think it’s too much to ask for a club banger right now. Look what putting out “new hotness” did for R. Kelly. Where the hell is R. Kelly anyway?

Before my mother will fast track me into a government job she wants a written document, signed, stating that my day of “usage” are over and behind me. Who would ever think that we’d go from decorating the Christmas tree when I was a kid to having conversations like that. My mommy…

Yesterday I had a class where we had a reading of a poem about abortion. I believe it was called “The Mother” (and I realize I probably didn’t use MLA format, suck it), the poem is one woman’s tale of all the good and bad things that will never happen to or for the children she aborted. Once the poem was done I could not stop laughing, I know the teacher saw me but when you get the giggles you’ve got them. The reason I laughed was because the way this woman wrote she had about 30 abortions. I doubt she had that many but it sounded like a lot. When we were done reading it I thought “Lady, don’t you ever use a condom… or pull out?” The laughter flowed right out. Good times.

“Tyler, why is rape such a topic of humor for you?” Well, why do we laugh at our own farts? Why do we celebrate Groundhog’s Day even though it doesn’t matter if the shadow gets seen? And, why would some pervert lie and say a pot of gold is at the end of a rainbow just to make me ruin a perfectly good Sunday chasing that thing along the Mid-Atlantic coast?!

Okeyday (yeah, I like the nonsense and the Little Rascals), I would like to end this on a high note… never mind.

Peaces

The Chimp "Ripped her face off!"

DVDuesday is here again, unfortunately there haven’t been any GOOD releases in the past few weeks. Sigh, the Oscars didn’t really give me anything to look forward to. Let me just touch on Slumdog Millionaire for a hot second. Apparently, and I could be wrong but my friend Azad broke it down for me: A man wins Slumdog Millionaire and is questioned as to how he of all people could have known the answers to the questions? While explaining how he knew the answers he ensnares us in a love story from his life… That plot sucks like a fresh new b*tch on a dirty block. And it’s a Bollywood film which means there will be mysterious breaking into song that everyone seems to know the steps to. I had a female-friend (have to be careful with my words…I’m kidding, we did not bang) that went through a huge Bollywood phase and I got sucked into watching some. Not the worst thing I’ve ever seen, THE LOVE GURU (truthfully, I’ve only read the back of the DVD at Blockbuster… but I still regretted it), but I have no interest in seeing Slumdog now. AND HOW THE F DOES CHRISTOPHER NOLAN NOT GET A BEST DIRECTOR OR BEST MOVIE NOMINATION?! Titanic set all kinds of records for nominations and awards, it also happens to be the top grossing movie of all time. I know money and awards have nothing to do with each other, but how does the number TWO movies of all time (grossing, but number 1 in our hearts) come up like a nerd at the prom? It’s wrong, but they did give the Joker his due, I guess we fanboys are supposed to find solace in that.

Sipping hot chocolate… calms the early morning erections.

Nelson and I were unable to make our newest video “You’re eating too loudly in McDonald’s” last weekend. Don’t worry, we’ve got a ton of Marymount University students coming down to one on Saturday (why they want to be in this skit that pays nothing I have no idea) and it should be funny. I say “should be” because sometimes the awkward that I find so funny is just awkward… did you catch my sarcasm there?

Jermaine and I will have a new blog of movie reviews. I wish I could give more details but since it’s only like a week away from going up I’ll let it speak for itself. That man is silly so you know his first review is going to be off the chain.

Maybe I’m just a product of my environment, but when I see a fine woman cough; it’s tuberculosis.

Atif, I’m sorry to hear you didn’t win the DC Improv college competition. Thanks for giving me your Gamertag, rest assured if there is one thing that makes people feel better, it’s me. I can’t think of a better way to get over the blues of losing than to grease yourself up with K-Y jelly and climb into the twisted d*ck of death that I call XBOX LIVE. I will show you no mercy, but that’s out of love. You can pick the game but I need you to do me a favor; I don’t want some shell of a man coming into DADDY’S house (o’ pain). You trim up “the beard of brilliance”, go get a hoagie, brush your teeth and pick the naps from the pubes (what?! Doesn’t everyone get those around the edges of the ball fro?) I want you to be top shelf when I rape you! But seriously, sorry to read that you were a little bummed, might even let you win one… nah.

Let’s take a moment to celebrate an important man. An adventurer who sought out to carve his niche in history. Yes everyone, I’m talking about whoever the man was that named the Grundle. Without him where would we be? Thank you sir, thank you.

I think I’ve been mistaking looks of hatred for sexual tension lately. Hmmmm.

Sometimes I rap to myself, with the iPod of course, and worry that people will catch me and laugh. I’ve told myself that everyone does it but the more I spy on people, the more I see they don’t. Perhaps I’m as unprofessional as in my nightmares… but in real life my fly isn’t broken so my d*ck doesn’t keep falling out.

TRich’s quote of the week:
I know it’s only Tuesday but last night while watching 24, Jack Bauer gave the red hed a look while they were having an argument. Without missing a beat Nelson says “Now she’s wet… with fear.” So gross, and yet so classic.

I’ve had the song “Close to you” (you know, “Why do birds suddenly appear every time you come near? Just like me they long to be…”) stuck in my head for well over a week. Perhaps under this exterior of ignorance and narcissism, there lies a romantic just waiting to burst out? I doubt it. I often judge my friend Leah for always going after the wrong guy (possibly because I’m secretly in love with her) but truthfully I always do the same thing. One day I’ll get the hang of “women”… sigh.

Reading about the woman who got attacked by the chimp in Connecticut really never loses interest to me. I can’t forget the look of horror on my face when the woman said the chimp “ripped her face off.” It could only be matched by the look when she screamed “He’s eating her”… my God. That immediately took away any fun thought I had of primates and I saw Mighty Joe Young for the monster he really was. Then I watched a video on YouTube “Violent Chimpanzee Attack” (please look that up and watch, I’ll add it when I get home later) which showed a gang of chimps stalk through the jungle until the run up on a small group of other chimps. The result was cannibalism… why did it take me being a 25 year old man to understand how truly sick chimps can be? Teach the children, cause if I knew then what I know now I would never even enter their section of the zoo. Too dangerous…

“I hope your piranha bite…” – Lil Wayne

I wanted to give that quote to show one of the many unpleasant names men have come up with for a vagina. Let’s look at some more:
Kitty Kat
That Thang
Ill Na Na
Gitchy Gitchy
Punana
P*ssy
Phat Rabbit
Waffle
Peach
Hamburgler

I think I’ve made my point, and yeah, I’m aware I’m the only one that likes to call it the Hamburgler. Point is that the vagine has a lot of different name and almost all of them are unattractive in some way. Why? I honestly don’t know, the penis is a much uglier instrument (VAINS, UGGG!). Oh well, I still wish I had a waffle to snack on right now.

I’m spent for the day but wanted to give all of the people who depend on a little non-sense and a cool picture a chance to smile. To everyone else “Hi Mama.”

Peaces

Let the fun begin... SEX FIGHT!

And with that, have a great weekend. Next up is "Sir, you're eating too loudly for McDonald's."

Peaces

The Spy Lounge is resting for a minute... but I can't feel it's pulse

Well here we are again and it’s a Tuesday… ugh.

My new camcorder should be delivered to me within the next couple of days (fingers crossed) and we cannot wait to show some of the crazy ideas we (Nelson, Kevin and I = Riding with Strangers) have come up with. Just some titles to think about until we show you: Nelson can fly, You’re eating too loudly for McDonald’s, Wit my d*ck out… and Sex Fight!

Text messages between friends:

Person 1: I just took the MOST incredible dump of all time! The auto toilet double flushed itself! It was an island unto itself.

Person 2: Me too. But no tp.

1: That’s nasty, did you jump in the shower?

2: I had napkins.

1: Yeah, we did collect a lot of fast food. It was all that KFC, WHEW!

Know that this was an exchange between Nelson and I, but I will not say which one I am.

If you are a friend to someone and forward even a single text to their cell phone thinking “they might like this joke…” you are not their friend. I wish the “friends” I had that keep doing that would read this blog, but they know I don’t have anything of substance to talk about. Sigh…

“More $#!T than you can shake a stick at” HAHA, I’ve always loved sayings like this one because I’d love to see someone shake a stick at anything.

I don’t know why, but white children are the least cute of any race of children to me. They all seem to look as though they have a touch of autism… to me anyway.

“Tyler, I’m late and I’m keeping your baby…” (Man jumps out window from the 40th story splattering on the ground) “He really would rather die than raise a child with me… $#!T.”

I’m the proud owner of a copy of the movie Taken that is so DVD quality you should hate me right now. That movie kicked so much arse I have to say it twice, that movie kicked so much arse I had to say it twice. Seriously, Liam Neeson is officially the baddest mutha on the planet… followed closely by Matthew Damon and Samuel L. Jackson. Woot!

When I read Eli’s text message that the Spy Lounge was done “until further notice” I had a slow montage in my head. The first clip was Eli and I skipping down the yellow brick road with my dog Toto. Then I saw us lying on our backs, looking at the stars in the rain at my favorite spot on Gravely Point. Last I saw him in the arms of another man, Enrique, the reason I stopped showing up there in the first place. Then I remembered, Eli and I aren’t lovers and have never done any of those things. Plus, Eli uses too much tongue when he’s kissing… that’s not cool.

“Blame it on the al al al al al cohol…” Okay Jamie Foxx, with the help of T-Pain you’ve duped me into liking something you sang. Next move…

I spaced out for a little while downstairs grabbing my lunch today. I was looking at an older black woman’s everything (she was BAD!) and when my eyes focused she was looking dead into them. I smiled and paid for my taco salad.

The boner will hence forth be referred to as The Chunk. That tickles me.

You know that awkward silence when you almost cause a car accident and about four or five cars are staring at you angrily? The best way to get that to go away is driving lessons, and a wenis.

Somehow the discussion of “Should you keep a bag in your car to $#!T in?” keeps coming up around me. Maybe I do attract fecal conversation.

According to my Grand mama, the answer to the above question is yes. She’s living proof, sometimes you have to $#!T in a bag.
Soul Men was funny, but it is the easily the only movie where Bernie Mac’s cock eye stole the show. It’s never looked that bad before, at least he seemed capable of hiding it before. I couldn’t take my eyes off it… may he rest in peaces.

I feel another trip to the “pool”, you know I was going to make an elaborate poop joke, but instead I’ll make this brief. Yep.

Peaces.

Chris Brown: Posterboy for a new generation

Maybe it’s just me, but has anyone else had the urge to listen to Chris Brown now that he’s “in deep $#!T?” I can’t get enough, who is the one person who benefited from that beating (other than Rihanna, who I’m sure will have a song about being strong and getting bit the f*ck up while R&B’s prince reigned down thunder) … that would be Michael Phelps. He’s not in the papers anymore, perhaps now people and companies he is endorsing realize that he could have been doing worse things than holding a bong. Snoogins.

Off the Wall tonight in Queen Anne’s Hall at UMD! What more need be said? I’ll be naked, there now will you come. Do you want blood? What more could you ask for, there will be students, laughter, hot chicks and a naked black guy who juggles balls of yarn… what? I already told you I would be naked. The rest of my juggling routine is bulletproof.

“What do you like most about older women?” Well, I like the fact that an older woman will undress a man with her eyes and make it painfully obvious that f*cking is on her mind. I don’t like to hunt, but I can follow directions.

I learned the other day that I don’t care about this blog as much as I thought I did. I wrote an entire entry, went searching for one of those priceless Internet pictures to sum it all up and deleted it on accident. I prayed that blogger saved it for me, it didn’t. I don’t save things on my hard drive at work, don’t know why because I’m definitely not supposed to type “this”. The blog (an extremely long one might I add) was lost. Breaks my heart, but I’d rather bang that crazy mom with 14 kids sans rubber before writing that again. So, I had to wait a couple of days to build the strength for this back up. I had to eat a banana this morning, “keep your potassium kiddies!”

I love Lil Wayne’s music, but looking at him (which they rarely give you a very good look, he’s generally moving or something) is a lot like looking at an uncircumcised penis in porn… I cringe every time.

Students leaving for the weekend saying “good-bye” to professor:
Male 1: Have a great weekend!
Professor: You too, thanks.
Female 1: Bye, hope you have a great Valetine’s Day!
P: You too, thanks.
TRich: Alright, give me an “A” on that paper this weekend…
(awkward look up from the professor)
P: Um… if you earn it, no problem Deaven (remember that’s my name).
TRich: I’m kidding, I just had to try a little subliminal messaging. But hey…
P: Yes Deaven…
TRich: I want that “A”.
End

I hope the awkwardness of that translated, because there was nothing charming about that moment. I think I scared my older white teacher. Hope I scared her enough for that “A”.

That’s IT! It’s been brought up many times but I need to know before I lose my mind. “How are white women getting all these curves, what did they start eating?” Somebody knows something and isn’t talking. Mary Tyler Moore did not have jiggle and shake in the back like the little white women that walk past me all day. This may seem arrogant, but could they be eating greens and getting thick because they know I’m an ass man? It could be…

For the past couple of days I’ve been going to the bathroom like the bird at the end of Scary Movie 2 (I will let those remember be included, if you didn’t see it what the f*ck are you doing with your life). I haven’t really done anything differently for the past couple of days but I have been shopping on http://www.overstock.com/. I came to the conclusion that Overstock gives you explosive diarrhea.

If you could put thought bubbles over people’s heads there is no way I would ever be able to stand within 100 feet of a fine woman. There are some Chris Brown like fantasies in there that are private… oh God, I’ve said too much.

Chris Brown v. Bobby Brown: Bobby Brown ruined Whitney Houston’s career, Chris Brown left bite marks all over Rihanna’s arm and fingers. Bobby Brown once feared Osama Bin Laden would take time out of his schedule, of running in the mountains, to kill him. Chris Brown pulled his Lamborghini over to have an argument with Rihanna, a confrontation ensued. Bobby Brown once used his thumb to help Whitney poo because she had a nug way too big for her brown eye to squeeze out (I am not making that up, they talked about it on one episode of “Being Bobby Brown”). Chris Brown has been publicly threatened by Jay-Z (which is childish, “You betta than that Jigga, you betta”) over beating seven shades of $#!T out of Rihanna. Bobby Brown is probably smoking crack cocaine right this moment. Chris Brown is sewing his asshole shut. The winner: Give it up for the “KING of R&B” Bobby Brown! (Whitney Houston did refer to Bobby Brown as the Ko&B when presenting him with an award within the last decade)

And now for your moment of ze… that phrase is taken. Never mind, here (http://www.latinoreview.com/ has the exclusive fan review from someone that has seen the Watchmen):

There were approximately 200 people at the screening.

1. No Black Freighter, although we do catch glimpses of the newsstand and the kid who reads the comic, but only briefly.

2. The ending is different, no squid. I was one of the people who never really cared about squid/no squid, but I feel the ending will work better for mainstream audiences that have never read the book.

3. They do not imply a sequel anymore than the book does...

4. The montage covering the heroes of the past is done exceptionally well, and was longer than I expected. Allows the audience to understand that this is an alternate version of the past and everything they know should be thrown out the window.

5. It is dark, but not the stark realism that fills the Dark Knight. The Watchmen reality is a little more surreal in its feel, like a dream. It really has the feel of the comic in it.

6. Look for the cameo by Snyder's son. He also played young Leonidas in 300.

7. It was fantastically close to the book; even the framings of shots were lifted directly from the book.

8. Jackie Earl Halley is the shit in this. He IS Rorschach.

9. This movie is gory. I'm a gore hound and I was surprised at how graphic some scenes were. Really had people squirming.

10. NAKED Sally Jupiter. (CORRECTION NAKED Silk Spectre)

11. Only character I didn't like was Veidt/Ozymandias. I thought the actor was weak.I have to say Snyder knocked this one out of the park. There is some gruesome, brutal stuff here that is hard to watch. The fight scenes are awesome, and, like in 300, Snyder continues the use of ramping the frame rate to accentuate the movements of the characters. I knew there was going to be some slo-mo, but I didn't think he overdid it. All in all, fans of the book are going to more than pleased with the film. For a book that was for years considered un-filmable, he certainly managed to hit almost every beat and did not compromise any of the material (except for the squid).

So there you have it folks, breaking news once again brought to you by yours truly. I cannot wait for the films release; it will definitely up the ante for comic book adaptations in the future.

Well, we can always push you down the stairs... I don't want to father your children

Well, not much has gone on this week. But apparently SPE and I have a date at UMD college park… Mmm mmm mmm, that smells good. I guess next Thursday they can prepare for lyrical sex (nope, I don’t know what it means either but DAMN it’s catchy) from Ebony and Ivory.

Much like a whore that just choose which guy (sucker) she wants to “go steady” with, I’m at a crossroads with my cologne. Prada is sweet and sends flowers for no reason. But, Dolce and Gabbana makes me laugh and has a lot in common with me. Sigh, but Prada has a nice car so…

Yesterday I was in a class where haters weren’t afraid to let their true colors show. People stood up and gave long testimonials on why Michael Phelps should get the full swing from the hammer (that being he loses all of his endorsements and GOES TO COURT FOR MARIJUANA USAGE?!). It was the clearest demonstration of “hatin’” I’ve ever seen. I’m proud to say that though he screwed up and knew the consequences of his actions, I could not join the haters yesterday. That man has gained access to $100 MILLION through backstroking… a little respect.

Something always feels weird about putting a little cologne on and slippin’ farts on the walk to your desk. I guess I feel like I’ve wasted the cologne.

I’m going to fight every lazy bone in my body and see how Tyler and Jake’s new open mic at the Comedy Spot is. Expectations are high, but I remember the crowds that place used to draw so I’m going in level-headed. Here’s crossing the fingers that Tyler doesn’t ask me if I’m drunk and make me feel bad. The worst part of getting offended when people assume your drinking habits is that you’re immediately classified as an alcoholic. “Don’t talk to him about his drinking, he’s an angry drunk” and all I really want to scream is that I’m not that drunk. I like awkward.

Stupid thought I just had, but I really can’t figure out why people that still consider things “taboo” are going into a comedy club. Early shows should be anything but earlier, but because these douches want to laugh to guideline we all have to make lemonade. They should read a book, leave the laughter to the soulless jackals… like me.

Remember when Foxxy Brown was sexy? I miss 1996.

I thought of a great joke about Down Syndrome, trust me it’s classy.

When’s the last time you used the word “neat” in a good way? I just texted it to someone and you know what? I feel phenomenal about it! New word of the day is: NEAT

“Kit Kat bars are no substitute for affection from you parents” – Karl, the fat guy over in accounting

Jermaine says he heard a joke that I wrote a long time ago performed up in New York. The only thing that ran through my mind was “Oh God, I hope he’s not getting more laughs than I am with it…” I’m sure he didn’t steal it because it only makes sense to think happy animals would be happy food. But I’ll pray for him to get HIV and die (unlike Magic Johnson) anyway. See what I just did there? Forgiveness.

There is a guy, about my age, who is literally as fat as the guy in Se7en who got killed for Gluttony. There’s not far out joke to that, he’s just a tub of $#!T and it blows my mind that he is okay with that. And yes, I have been in the bathroom while he birthed “food babies” and it’s just as animated as you would imagine. “Oh my God, it smells like you ate a goblin in here!”

Watching the Little Mermaid is running through my mind more and more. I think I’m having an early adulthood life crisis. I just want to spend all of my Saturday watching old Disney animated classics: The Lion King, Mermaid, Cinderellie (the rats called her that but fine, Cinderella), Alice in Wonderland, Aladdin, Beauty and the Beast, Sword in the Stone, The Rescuers and The Rescuers Down Under, The Hunchback of Notre Dame and Tarzan. Good times…

Notice that Pocahontas did not make the cut. Hmmm.

Valentine’s Day is closing in, hope everyone stocked up on red/pink condoms. It’s a special day, I’m helping Nelson shave a heart on his ass, cause he’s got massive ass hair. Happy Holidays ladies, eat your heart out.

The first word on my mind when I woke up this morning was wooby, I shall hence forth call my blanket that. Because I love my wooby.

Every time I see a John Travolta movie like (mostly these three) Pulp Fiction, Phenomenon and most importantly Grease, I can’t help but think “Damn, wtf happened.”

How does everyone feel about Johnny Depp as Moe and Sean Penn as Larry in the new Three Stooges movie? I feel all tingly.

Alright, that is more than enough sludge to wade through, I hope my watch is in there somewhere. Damn.

Peaces

Denny's has a free breakfast... unless you're black

This morning, like so mornings in the northern VA area, people drove like there was a blizzard when four snow flakes fell from the sky. UGGGGGGG!

I had a blast at the Baltimore Comedy Factory this weekend. The headliner Don Jamieson was great and I found out that Andrew “Dice” Clay was his hero that took him under his wing. The first CD I ever bought was Face Down Ass Up, classic, so we immediately had good conversation. And, of course… there was Erin Jackson. I’ve worshipped the ground Erin walks on for a long time, watched her Live at Gotham on my DVR countless times. All I really wanted this weekend (aside from someone to touch “it”) was walk away feeling like my Shero (pronounced she-row) didn’t despise me. Well, I won’t say that we’re best friends now but I think progress was made. I feel like if I saw her in the street and gave thumbs up she would give one back. I can die now Lord… but first could you get someone to touch the wenis.

One of my co-workers has a daughter that “clearly has something wrong with her”. It wouldn’t be a stretch to say some kind of retardation, but it almost looks as though she was kissed with Autism. Because my co-worker has never just put a label on it, she’s forced my friend Cassaundra and I to take stabs in the dark at what the f*ck could be wrong with this kid. Even more unsettling is the fact that pictures of this grunion keep popping up at her desk. I know it’s wrong, but I $#!T you not “this thing looks like a troll”. Maybe it’s because I don’t have any children of my own yet, but wouldn’t someone who loved this thing smother it in its slumber. I’m willing to bet it would lay back and take it, welcoming the sweet release of death. Any person that is strongly PRO LIFE should meet this kid… then pick it up and hold it for a minute. I remember when I first saw a picture of it, it’s like seeing a hallucination because you pause like someone is playing a prank. I’m just glad I’ve never had to meet this monster. “Bah, WTF is that?!” I know those would be my words. Don’t worry I’ll keep you updated on this thing, God’s little experiments never stick around too long (ouch that’s a little mean for a Tuesday… on second thought it’s not, this thing is hideous).

This morning I am listening to Kamikaze (the album) by Twista… yep, just that kind of Tuesday.

Nelson and I were watching 24 last night and adopted the phrase “Hi, I’m ____ from _____ and I live in fear.” It’s because in Jack Bauer’s world everyone is just a sneeze from a terrorist attack or gun fight. Yesterday a man went from possibly wanting a McRib sandwich to being a martyr in 9 minutes. I pray that normal people aren’t living anything close to Jack Bauer’s life, cause it’s been a long morning already. “Hello there, I live in Minnesota and I’m terrified.” Bless you Jack Bauer, bless you.

I wonder what the world record is for a “food baby”. Because, when I woke up yesterday after inhaling a large pizza (from Pizza Hut, only the best) I feel like I probably came close. When is the last time you flushed while still on the toilet to avoid any part of the package getting dunked in? Something to think about…

That last one was way nastier reading it back to myself than I think I’m prepared to be in this blog. Unfortunately, I’ve already dedicated this couple of sentences to the same laugh, and it keeps getting funnier to me. Sigh.

Did anyone know that Blackstreet had a song called The Lord is Real? That’s ironic, cause Chauncey is in prison and homeless and no one knows where the rest could be.

Women seem to be planning for Valentine’s Day because every single one that I know has called me “for no good reason” lately. I’m happy to be alone for this holiday, and it’s one of the few times of year that you get to see who is single without asking. Let it be Merry!

If you own a video game system (not the Wii, I mean 360 or PS3) then you should make the Resident Evil 5 demo your best friend. That is the most fun I’ve had playing a video game in memory. Trust me, be prepared to kill a lot of Africans… and love every second of it.

And now for a news story worth our time:

A Kearns teenager attacked with a medieval battle ax outside his home last summer was targeted because he supposedly passed a sexually transmitted disease to a girl that one of his accused assailants later slept with, a defense attorney claimed Tuesday. Attorney Scott Wilson told a 3rd District Court jury that Cody Jesse Augustine, 21, was angry he contracted an STD from a girlfriend and believed that 18-year-old Justin Ennis was the source of the disease. That lead Augustine to convince friend Scott Tyler Stapley, 22, to unleash an assault on Ennis after the two friends had spent the night drinking, Wilson said during opening arguments of Stapley's attempted murder trial. The bizarre attack left Ennis with severe injuries including a 8-inch laceration in his neck, a 10 1/2 -inch laceration in his left pectoral muscle and smaller cuts on his shoulder and hands, according to charging documents. Augustine and Stapley are charged with one count of first-degree felony attempted murder with injury in connection with the incident in the early morning hours of July 29 at 4541 W. 5780 South. The two are being tried separately. Ennis on Tuesday described a series of text messages he received from his attackers, who posed as a girl named "Stacy" to lure him outside around 4:30 a.m. Ennis said he believed he was meeting Stacy for "a booty call," when his assailants jumped out of a brown Nissan 200 SX. Ennis testified Stapley slashed his neck and shoulder with a four-bladed warrior ax and was later stabbed with a knife several times by Augustine. Ennis was then able to go into his parents' house, where he told them he needed help and laid in a bathtub bleeding until paramedics arrived, he said. Wilson argued Monday Stapley got roped into going along with Augustine to Ennis' house and did not intend to carry out the attack. He said Stapley had initially balked at going to Ennis' house, but changed his mind after listening to his friend complain of pain while urinating and decided to be Augustine's back-up man. Stapley told jurors his client is guilty of aggravated assault, not attempted murder. Police have said Stapley and Augustine are members of the Juggalos, a group the Salt Lake County Sheriff's Office Metro Gang Task Force identifies as a gang. Juggalos are known to follow the rap group Insane Clown Posse. Detectives recovered a necklace with a "hatchet man,"an emblem associated with the Juggalos, from the crime scene and found the emblem again on the Nissan Stapley was driving when arrested, Salt Lake County sheriff's deputy Esekia Afatasi testified. In the courtroom, Ennis removed his shirt to display his scars from the attack to jurors. He said doctors told him he'd been struck 12 times with the battle ax. The assault also perforated the teen's bowel, and doctors had to remove two inches of the teen's colon, according to charging documents. Wilson questioned whether Ennis had bragged about the assault to his friends after discovering the teenager had posted a topless photo of himself on social networking site MySpace.com. Ennis, however, testified he'd put the photos of his scars on MySpace because friends were curious and some hadn't been able to visit him in the hospital. A BMX rider, Ennis said he has lasting injuries from the attack including problems with his left shoulder. The second day of Stapley's trial starts at 9 a.m. Wednesday before Judge Judith Atherton. Augustine's next court date is a scheduling hearing on Jan.23.