A suspect taken under arrest for robbing a bank at dickpoint...

The following was brought to you by the letter Q, because q is the ugliest letter in the alphabet.

Is it Thursday already, last time we did this dance you were only about 115 lbs. I remember you smelled like a bloody nose, cause you were on the rag. God, you were still beautiful though, we must’ve kissed for 10 minutes before I earned my red wings. What was that song playing? Oh yeah, Salt Shaker by the Ying Yang Twins… ah, we were wild girl. My father freaked when he saw the back seat completely covered in blood like it was. How else are you supposed to know to grab a towel without trial and error? He started calling the cops and screaming “What have you done?! You’re going to the rape house boy, why God why? Does your blood lust know end?! Where the f*ck is the body Tyler, where the f*ck is the body?! Did you eat the evidence?! Oh God, you’re developed a taste for blood and there’s no turning back now. Did you come here to kill me now? Go on, DO IT!!! I’m not your real father, you’re mother dumped you on me after that loser Tron left her full of his seed. Go on you animal, pull the trigger! I just wish I could’ve made love to Steve one more time…” The old man was as nutty as squirrel $#!T but I still wish he hadn’t committed suicide once he found out that was your blood. Ah, to be young…memories.

Baltimore Comedy Factory, tonight through Saturday. Have I mentioned Erin Jackson will be there?

I called my mother’s house two days ago and left a message for her with my sister. “Tell Mom that I need money and to give me a call…” Truthfully I didn’t really need money and told my sister not to tell her that it was a lie. That was Tuesday, this morning on my way to work I got a call. “I hear you’ve been trying to get in touch with me…” She heard that I needed money and this was the urgency she had shown to return the call. “Mom, I don’t really need money (She replied “Of course you don’t, you have a good job” to which I said “But I can always use more… give it to me”) but you’ve failed the motherly love test… I demand an increase in the will” There really wasn’t more to the conversation because I was arriving at work, but I’ll keep you posted on that will. Pay the man…

The following just took place, in the workplace:
Mission: Sexual Harassment
TRich: Hey Cassaundra.
Cass: Yesss…
T: Sex Fight!
C:… What?
T: Never mind.
End

Jake and Tyler have a new open mic in the Ol’ Comedy Spot, who doesn’t get misty eyed thinking of the old open mic. I remember good times, my comedy probably sucked twice as much as now but they were good times darn it. It starts at 7:30, forgive me if it’s actually later but I’m too lazy to go to my GMail right now… here http://www.tdcpresents.com/ I know its on there and if you are considering going now you can get it straight from the horse’s mouth.

If you have not read the DCComedy4Now interview with Jimmy Merritt, I forgive you. Now go: http://www.dccomedy4now.blogspot.com/ and find it (it was very recent), celebrate someone who hustled his behind off and put in work. I’m ecstatic for Jimmy and his accomplishments, he is determined and persistent. He took me on my first “real” drive for comedy. And I had a blast at the 955 comedy club, which led to meeting Odyssey Michaels, which led to Funnybone happenings and a lot of friends. He’s down to earth and quite simply “good people”. Wish him luck on his college tour, “Here’s to not coming home Jimmy… for a while anyway.”

I’m done eating Bacon, Egg and Cheese sandwiches made at work. They give me the $#!Ts and the ghost of Christmas Past won’t leave me alone while I work.

It is 11:15 am, I’ve done zero work since 9:30 am. What the f*ck have you done lately? (Gotta love the movie WANTED, Mr. Timnus rocks)

New scent: Dolce & Gabbana The One. Gentlemen, if we don’t show women the definition of sexy how will they ever know if falls right above Seychelles. Which means island group W Indian Ocean NE of Madagascar ∗ Victoria (on Mahé Island) area 107 square miles (277 square kilometers), population 75,876; formerly a British colony, a republic in the Commonwealth of Nations since 1976. I only felt it necessary to give that to you because it took me about 15 minutes to search what comes after sexy in Merriam- Webster’s Dictionary. Oh my God, I’m wasting my life… in 15 minute increments.

I’m pretty hoooongray (hungry) so I’m gonna go make some room for food (…?) and then it’s off to fill the tank. Now don’t think this hasn’t been a little slice of heaven… cause it hasn’t.

Peaces

It's snowing and I'm being held prisoner... at work

Well since Spy Lounge was cancelled last night I went out and put myself in situations where being mugged was of high probability. “Excuse me Spanishes, could you tell me where the nearest Citibank ATM is? I’ve got all this cash on me and it’s uncomfortable to sit… dang it, now I’ve gone and dropped all of my credit cards.”

Quick note: Baltimore Comedy Factory this Thursday 1/29- Saturday 1/31 opening for Don Jamieson with feature Erin Jackson! JAM!!

Mickey Rourke was offered $250,000 to play the villain in Iron Man 2. Not that I care but that’s pretty insulting for someone who looks at that amount like I frown upon being given a penny. I hate pennies.

What is it about small talk that people are so drawn to? I generally run from it, but yesterday I got caught in quite a few situations that call upon a little. One involved a “big” woman, one involved a guy (having a wenis is bad enough but then wanting to talk to another wenis) and the last one was someone who wanted me to join them on a ride to “smoke me out” (okay, the last one was a Godsend… even though he had a wenis).

I’ve wanted to get in a fight for sometime now and feeling like I’m a little buffer certainly doesn’t help that urge go away. I think when enough time goes by without a physical altercation perhaps we forget what it’s like to really be in a fight. When is the last time somebody punched you in the face, really f’n hard? Well Saturday I got a pretty good reminder of why people need to talk their differences out… I was raped. No insertion mind you, but it was about as emasculating as I can imagine. It starts with a big brute named David, my friend. While at my friend Josh’s house for his birthday party we just got done having a conversation that was too boring too remember, the quiet before the storm. Then a playful shove from David, no reason he’s just a big guy that thinks that is funny, I shove back cause I’m no b*tch. Then comes the mush, I mush back, then David did something that caught me off guard… he hugged me and flung us both over a couch. It hurt and my knees were pressed the wrong way on the spine of the couch. Somehow David managed to wiggle out of the scuffle and get back on his feet and behind me, that’s when he grabbed my arms and held them behind my back. He is quite simply, a big dude, I was helpless and since no one was throwing a punch everyone let it go. That’s when the slow grinding started, he humped me for the better portion of 2 minutes… at least it felt like that long. I’ve heard time slows down when in middle of Rape City, now I know… it’s true. I let some time go by and took all the laughter then let David know why I’m similar to an elephant (I don’t actually have to say that “they never forget thing right? F*ck, just did), cause as soon as he got comfortable I kicked him in the d*ck. Then we went outside and smoked a cigarette. Grown ass boys…

Nelson has no idea why rape is so funny to me, he asked me about it the other day. I’m absolutely disgusted by people that feel like they are better than something, like poop jokes. If something isn’t your taste then don’t eat it, but don’t turn your nose up at others who find humor. I still laugh when I fart and probably always will, the day I outgrow that I hope to be dead. Besides, until I’m a convicted rapist I’ll laugh at whatever I like and I hope that other people aren’t allowing some f*ckin’ squares who live a joyless life to dictate what they laugh at. All of that anger isn’t/wasn’t directed at Nelson, but my whole life people have judge what I found funny and said you should joke about or laugh at “___”. To answer Nelson, I made another rape joke and laughed at his disgust. Boosh!

What happened to Sean Paul, you know the light skinned Jamaican? I hope he’s not doing what MC Hammer does, murder for hire.

I understand why I’m not someone’s boss yet, because when I just saw the snow outside I lost my mind momentarily. I had a daydream of throwing all of my clothes off and running bare back into the snow bank. Snow angels, snowmen, laughter, lewd public behavior towards children who are trying to play in the snow… it was magical. Eventually they have to let us out of here, I actually hydro(snowdrop)planed while turning into work this morning. Jesus please!

Dear Wolf,

It has been sometime since I openly went recruiting for your new servants of the darkness. I sincerely apologize but you’re aware that I recently had a hemorrhoid removed, it’s just as painful as it sounds. I have reason to believe that my employer will not let us go home until shortly before it’s our normal time to go home. For once, and you know I hate asking for favors, please just let me go home around the same time as all of my friends. This is recockulous, there is a snow man with my name on it being built right now. If I know Nelson he’s probably hollowing it out so I can get inside and “reveal” myself through the hole where the genitals should be… but this isn’t about that. I’ve called on the Lord to help out but understand he is not easily swayed by the requests of CHRONIC sinners. So, in the event that my cries go overlooked, please keep in mind that for some extra free time today I would gladly stab a hobo. Just the tip of the iceberg to show my appreciation, I know how much you despise the homeless “everybody wants a handout”. Here’s to attacking an innocent little girl with an ice ball made to look like a snowball. Praise be to the wolf…


24 was awesome last night, as usual… what the f*ck else would you expect me to say about Jack Bauer? I don’t want him to show up here at my job and kill me. Because Jack Bauer’s fist can kill through time and space… damn, he’s good.

I’m going to go and do some tiddling, which is my new word for work. Let us pray that they’ll be an entire snow day tomorrow for me to write all of the random sexy that crosses these brows.

An Anonymous Phone Call...

I’m almost afraid to write anything in this “journal” of mine for fear that the people who’ve just started reading will stop… but here’s something new for yuns to drink in while you’re trying to make it to Friday night. Whew, that was a long run-on sentence.

I have finally written some new jokes that I really want to run with. Had to sign my soul over to the devil to break the writer’s block. Kidding, I would never sign my soul over to continue writing $#!T, that’s a play on the bit. It deals with Satan and the contracts he makes… yep, I watched Saw V this week.

Now that Barack Obama is president I seem to have developed about ½ an inch of girth. Just a sign that we can have everything Martin Luther King Jr spoke of so many years ago… I’m on my way to grab a new white woman right now.

I’m not really going to grab up a white woman, I’m at work. Since I just got here that would be frowned upon.

Yesterday I tired out a new line in the quest to offend and find out “What is sexual harassment?” Here is the scene: A co-worker asked me what I would do if I found out that I was going to die tomorrow, and I responded “Go to the bank and cash out my accounts. Then I’d take it out to a nice gentleman’s club because my whole life I’ve just wanted to make it rain.” She was not amused, probably because she’s old (don’t say cause it’s not funny… that hurts) yet still, not offensive. Don’t get me wrong I’m sure a slap on the ovaries would be offensive enough but I don’t want to jump over the line. I just want to dance on it teetering between “nice guy” and “THAT guy”.

A “Real World” Superman Scenario:
Boy: Mary we don’t need a condom…
Woman: You’re right Dave, I’m not with anyone else and I trust you too.
(Cue the theme from the Superman films)
Superman: This isn’t Africa! (Snaps the man’s “member” like the steel beams that he bends and flies away)
END

I’ve had nothing but random Superman scenarios like that one running through my mind since I got home last night.

My microeconomics professor has an accent thicker than a Filipino (cause Nelson says “what we lack in length, we make up for in girth… I’m like a trailer”). I’m very curious to see how these lectures will turn out and I’m sure there’s good laughter in there somewhere. For example: Every time I asked a question, he walked from the front of the classroom all the way back to my face. Once he was about (I’m serious) 3 inches from my face, he would begin to speak. Needless to say I was uncomfortable asking questions by the second time. I wonder if he does that on purpose to avoid interruption.

A serious note:
Everyone wants to be loved, but we are flawed. Sometimes I get so caught up finding someone that I don’t sit back and think “What type of person would really love me for the rest of their life?” Make no mistake, I’m very happy single but would love to share a phone plan with somebody… oh well, until then I gets p*ssy.

The only thing that I can say about the comments from the last blog are: “At least you all are participating”. Justin responded, and I like Justin, I also like the fact that people took the time to shout back. As for whether there is a reshaping of our community going on, that’s very possible. As long as we have the DC Improv, we’ll certainly never go away, just have to get a few more Soho (jeez, just saying it makes me feel old) open mics. I can only hope that’s what the Spy Lounge is/will be.

What the f*ck was that poem that got read after President Obama made his inaugural speech?! That was the worst poem I’ve ever heard. But look at the stage she got to read it on. Never give up, no matter how much you suck it seems like perseverance does indeed pay off. Look at that smug bastard Bill Nye (the science guy, BILL! BILL! BILL!) … I’m kidding, I would never disrespect the Nye like that. I loved that show, he made Mr. Wizard look like a b*tch.

There is an incredibly hot Chinese woman that works on my floor. She is a natural born citizen and speaks like the hood chick from everyone’s darkest, semen soaked nightmares. I would do unspeakable things to dip my toes in “it”. That is all…

My supervisor has been making my team help another section. I feel like you might as well ask me to sweep the floor, cause if I’m doing their job I might as well help out the janitor. I’m a selfish man, self centered and as cold as polar bear dick… don’t judge me please.

Okay, I’m going to go refund some fruit that was frozen and priced the same as non-disgusting fruit. We’ll do this again soon.

Peaces! Oh, and be safe this weekend. My mother is out there on those roads.

Friday is my woman, don't let me catch you staring at her again Francisco!

Whoa, all of the sudden people read… I likey. So let’s tell some stories then…

Gross but true: My mother made me spaghetti on Monday and she put TLC all up in that b*tch. Gave me gas though, especially while driving to work yesterday morning. I let a tiny breath of “fresh” air out and the car smelled like a spaghetti sauna. The grossest part was that it smelled exactly like the dinner I’d had the night before. So much so that I sat there taking huge breaths just to enjoy that aroma. I had spaghetti when I got home because it was on my mind all day long.

I actually have to come to work for a few hours Tuesday… that is an old man’s scrotum sac.

My friend told me that one of her girlfriends is a hooker. This is a respectable, young, business-oriented, college graduate that is frequently hanging out with a hooker. “The company we keep…” Anyway, I’m thinking about getting my Nelson some loving. I’m not above buying one for someone else, I just can’t pay for myself… I’m too pretty. I wasn’t going to completely surprise him, cause doing anything with a hooker is like wearing a shoe filled with semen. Last night I asked, “Hey, if I bought you a hooker would I be wasting my money or would you take her?” He responded “Well, I’d like to say I wouldn’t take that, but then again I’m not the one who paid so…” I’m sure there’ll be a long blog the day that comes to fruition. Oh April, you’re a month full of surprises.

I’m funny, my mother will vouch for that.

What the hell do we have to do to get some re-runs of Nickelodeon’s Doug?! It is completely ridiculous that Nicktoons Network doesn’t even play one of my favorite shows from my childhood. Doug Funny taught me to love one woman (Patty Mayonnaise), keep friends of different races and most importantly… he taught me how to scat. Scat…

Is there any better feeling than when a friend has a birthday and you know you didn’t get them anything. They might go the whole day waiting to find out what you got, but you already know that you didn’t get that $#!T… ah, Fridays.

Where is the comedy going on at this weekend? Text me if you know my phone number, I miss the Liz… O’Shaughnessy’s.

(Though you won’t know it, now comes the two hour break in blogging. I want you to know that while you can just skip down to my next statement, I have to sit through a useless two hour meeting)

And we’re back… I think I’m spent.

Peaces

Like a f*ckin ninja dude

So, let’s go back to Thursday… might as well, that was when I got on a stage for the first time in a couple of weeks. Uggg. Thursday was actually cool, I was rusty but something about looking into SPE’s eyes will give you all the strength you need to get by. If only Christ had Sean’s eyes to look into on the cross. He could’ve done another year on that cross. But since Sean wasn’t alive when Christ walked the earth the world can be forgiven of its sins… funny how that worked out.

Friday I did absolutely nothing that I can remember, probably cause I was stuck in the w… MJ. I do remember that I ate a lot of KFC and burned all the skin off the roof of my mouth.

Sats (Saturday for those of you that are uncreative and small minded, but stay with me) was fun from the moment I woke up from a wet nightmare. That’s not true, I felt like waking up semen-ified would get a chuckle and really pull the story back for those of you that take offense to weed remarks like my Friday night. So, I started out with the usual “wake and bake” and put a few children back in their place that thought they could play Gears of War 2 with the best of them (TRich). I found out that Jared Stern was featuring and that made me feel good since I worked with him when Vince Morris was last at the Comedy Factory. I dig familiarity, I was so excited that I left really early just to make sure nothing made me late. You know what they say about “Best Laid Plans”, they bite you in the d*ck. At some point on 495 heading towards Baltimore… well, I f*cked up. I’ve driven out there more than enough times to know the way, but something started to feel weird when I didn’t see any 95 N signs for awhile. I began to second guess myself and as soon as a friend called me I knew I was headed the wrong way. Somehow I actually pulled the car over and pissed, got turned around and raced up the road to make it there about 14 minutes before the show started. I raced directly into the bathroom to pee again.

Before the second show of the night I had to make poopy (I thought I’d use a woman’s philosophy of making something rancid cute with a y). I don’t know if it was the KFC but it was an attack on the toilet. Loud and not something you peek your head out to say “Did anyone hear that?!” about. Two guys at the urinals began cheering me on which made me laugh and poo harder. It was an awkward couple of minutes cause apparently they both drank a lake. When I jumped up onstage I had to ask who they were and get a good look at these monsters. To my chagrin (who used that word today?) they were a couple of geeky guys, one a “pacific islander” and the other a white man that had not yet seen advertisements for Proactiv. That’s the anti-climatic ending to that story, was I looking for a Brad Pitt look a like to be cheering me? I don’t know, but I damn sure didn’t get it…

At some point I swear I became sexy, cause every time I spin around I have a new woman to speak about… and it feels phenomenal.

Things you don’t want to spend Sunday night doing: Shopping for lube. That is all.

Thank God Heath Ledger won the Best Supporting Actor Golden Globe, now don’t let them screw him out of the award that matters. There is a God…

I get some of the funniest e-mails about the Spy Lounge, though I’m never there I’m still all too happy to get as many people to go as possible. I’m not sure if people are taking bribes for open mics in other cities, or maybe they just take open mics THAT seriously, but “OH MY”. If I weren’t in the running for laziest man in the Northern Virginia I would go copy and paste one. Oh well, let your imagination be your guide.

I like that last sentence; I’d like to invite someone that actually believed I pull an orgy together to my place. When they ask how to get there, I answer…

iPod theme of the Day: The Seeker by A White Band I don’t know (problem with not buying your songs on iTunes is that people can just name the artist as whoever and you’ll still download it because it’s convenient)

I miss 50 Cent’s popularity. Doesn’t anyone else care?

Nelson brought me Tacos from Taco Bell last night. That’s what friends are for. Now, KILL FOR ME EI, KILL FOR ME! (I’ll accept a photo message on my cell phone by noon today as proof, p.s. - I love yuns)

I hate not being out as much anymore. I hate that Atif is out there in the cold without my warm backhand… cause I’m still pimpin’… HARD. What do I love? No women, cause I just told you I was pimpin (jk). I love the feeling when I get my lazy butt in the car to actually go laugh with friends, and white strangers and tell jokes. Don’t know where I’m going this week, cause it’s all closing (least it seems that way) but I’ll be somewhere and I look forward to seeing anyone that’s there. My, that’s a vague statement.

Before I leave I want to leave you with a food that’s funny to me: Beef Stroganoff (that’s a pun if I’ve ever heard one)

Peaces

Black son of a b*tch...

Finally getting out of the light-less shack I call my bathroom, to the Arlington Cinema n’ Drafthouse. Should be fun, then Saturday I’m filling in for someone at the Comedy Factory… I’m happy. After such a staycation, it’s going to feel good to get some quality time alone with a stage and a microphone. I’m going to oil that mic stand up nice, then I’ll probably sit the microphone in the corner and make it watch while I do things to the stand. Oh, oh my God that’s naughty for a regular ol’ Thursday, but boys will be boys.

Men tend to fight around women, not to impress them, but because when a woman you’re sleeping with is around you feel invincible. That is, until some giant man that smells like a cheese factory is stomping on your hands trying to pry them from your jeans. Screaming “You thought you were a big man, well we’re about to have a little rape fight”, those words haunted me throughout the 10th grade… Rape fight.

Today is my supervisor’s birthday, no one has said happy birthday nor does anyone have anything special planned. She was supposed to be out of town but changed her mind. That’s all, just wanted to slow whatever was going on (hopefully chuckles over the words “rape fight”) and tap the snare drums.

Nelson actually stepped on George Muresean’s foot… and lived to tell the tale. It all started when a child traded a cow for a sack of jumping beans.

Maybe it’s because I’m a guy, but I keep waking up with different bruises and cuts on my hands and “places”. The childish part of me wants to believe I’m secretly fighting crime at night. Which would explain why I never feel rested even when I go to sleep by midnight. Ah, it’s too hot today…

It’s so cold upstairs that I almost want to wet myself just for some soothing relief. Nah, maybe I’ll just go hug a fat girl. Just as warm, like getting a body BJ. If you have to ask, big man, you can’t afford it.

A year is not a long time, but imagine what could still get accomplished in this year. You could fall into the graces of the DC Improv, have a baby and hold it for a couple of months before 2010 or even die. How are you hoping your year turns out?

I wish they still made Binaca. How does the world’s second most popular brand of mace go out of business? The breath spray wasn’t bad either. But when I asked about where it was hiding in 7-ELEVEN, everyone laughed at me and made cruel jokes.

Perhaps five sausage links was too many… I wreak of swine. No Muslim would touch me like I am.

“Well, Simon’s taken all of the kitchen knives… oh God, he’s probably visited all of the local pet stores by now. It’s Arizona all over again!!” – The villain Killface

I’m doing a terrible job at fighting this sleep that has set in like wedgie… I’ve been caught by everyone but people of authority.

That’s today’s hoot, but I think I’ll make it two days in a row. No matter what there’ll be great fun to discuss whenever we speak.

We say good-bye with tongue...

Okay, so this morning I found my least favorite way of waking up. When the alarm went off I hit the sleep button and something went wrong. My alarm decided to do the opposite of “going to sleep”. A high pitched squeal went off and was far worse than the beeping the alarm normally does. I hadn’t called out sick in a while and that thought was running through my head before the squeal really got into full form. No button would silence it, so I began what any sleepy person would do… violence toward my alarm. No pound, no fist, not even pulling it from the surge protector would stop this thing. Then I remembered that the alarm had batteries in it just in case of a power outage. I located the batteries, it struck my attention that I had not changed these batteries in YEARS and somehow they were still alive and well, and pulled them out. After that (seemingly) two-three minute workout of frustration I realized, I was wide awake now. The moral of this story is yet another potential “sick day” was turned into an “on-time” morning at work. And here I am…

I went to see Sheryl Underwood at the DC Improv with my mother and grandmother on Saturday night. Some things worth mentioning (and odd occurrences):

- Sheryl Underwood did about an hour and a half of newer stuff than the last time I saw her. I’m always impressed by that.
- A lot of fine black women get out to give their money to Sheryl Underwood, some boyfriends were dragged along, but mostly gay friends.
- A Man proposed to his girl (baby mama) at the end of the show, the “n*gga way”. He didn’t make any eye contact with her while saying “what he had to say”. Instead it reminded me of a 7-year-old giving a monologue in play. I honestly held my breathe in anticipation of a “Nah” from his woman. But after he shoved the ring on her hand I guess she couldn’t say no. Also, a few women from the crowd literally yelled out “You gotta say YES!!!” What the f*ck do you say after strangers start yelling that out during (presumably) one of the happiest moments of your life. I always told myself that when the moment came that I saw someone propose (first time in my life I’ve been a part of the crowd) I would do the right thing: Shout “No n*gga, you’re too young! F*ck is you doing?!”
- Randolph Terrance hosted, that is all.
- Something about trying to pee in that bathroom smelled of rape. Maybe it’s because three pipe hittin’ convicts were waiting by the sink, and then there was me…
- The nachos didn’t have meat on them. Imagine feeling like you loaded up a nacho with all the toppings known to man and then taking a bit into insanity… it felt like sucking a stranger’s d*ck. Yep, sucking a stranger’s d*ck…
With the new year in swing there are a few things I would like to change about myself. Mostly I want stop smoking (not MJ, cigarettes), I’ve smoked for a long time and I think I’d better quit before my boyish good looks go away. Oh, and I want to be taller this year. Last year I was 5”11, this year I’d really like to be about 6’5… impossible?

Friday night I had a moment, with a woman, that reminded me of the lines from My Best Friend’s Wedding (Julia Roberts movie with Cameron Diaz). The man getting married described what’s so great about his new fiancee with (something that sounds like) this phrase: “She let’s me hug her as long as I want, all day if I wanted to…” I never really understood what that meant, but now I think I get it. Was it Musiq Soulchild who said “Everything is cool when love is all brand new…”? Nah, that was Adolf Hitler.

While waiting in Blockbuster Video, at some point last week, I got into a bit of a racist competition. A woman’s child made some type of racist comment that escapes me now, but she laughed approvingly and I saw Nelson’s face, I knew we couldn’t just let this slide. For the next, I would guess 10 minutes (cause that line was not f’n moving) I gave that woman every bad statement that crossed my mind. These include” holocaust jokes, cannibalism, woman beating, rape jokes, oriental jokes (I’d say Asian, but these were not respectable jokes) and of course as much slang as the good Lord would let me muster. It always feels good to get under a bigot’s skin. Upon leaving Nelson whispered “Just felt like giving that woman something to talk about?” We got MJ shortly after, celebrating and $#!T…

I discovered I’m a much bigger Black Eyed Peas fan than I had originally thought. Who knew?

Tyler, describe your Sunday in a few words or less: Chilean Mudslide.

The more I hear about traffic on Jan. 20th, the more I really don’t want to be a part of history. 48 hours is what they are projecting it will take to get out of DC with freezes and all those people. Might stay home and jerk it, more fun. Plus there’s candy at home.

Thursday I go back to the Arlington Cinema N’ Drafthouse, looking forward to that and seeing Will Hessler. I’ve missed some folks with all this time (2 months) off. If the good lord wills it I will put off some plans tonight and drive up to ____ Lounge to surprise a certain Hippie friend o’ mine. I miss him too, he smells of lilac. Sean, I had a wet nightmare with you in it. We weren’t getting it on, you were just the one who toweled me off. What made the nightmare so wet? The same thing that always does: Killer Krispy Kreme Doughnuts.

Friday I cleaned my apartment cause a woman I cared about was coming over. I never realized how nasty I can truly be. Max (my dog friend) did his best to keep the place as nasty as possible as soon as she arrived. Within 5 minutes, he peed at her feet, took at $#!T, humped and jumped on, and finally… peed all over the kitchen where we were standing. He took a few hours to get familiar with his cage after that little show. Classy…

Leapin’ lizards! I just wanted to brush up everyone’s 1950’s slang. You’re welcome.

During a trivia game with family, my sister (who is 13) could not answer “What artist is famous for songs such as The Way I Am and The Real Slim Shady?” She couldn’t even attempt let alone answer. I’m old now…

Breaks my heart to hear that Wiseacres is closed.

Keep writing, I have a feeling even though rooms are dying off and it looks like we have only a few places to perform anymore… something good is coming. Just a feeling.

Peaces