I have no idea where I’ve been for the past week but God darn it’s about time I hopped on this thing again. After performing on Saturday I resumed the 4 day stay-cation (c’mon that’s witty) I was in the middle of. I came back to work on last Wednesday to find something had been compromised and I’ve literally been working from start to finish when I got to work. Weird, if you asked me last week, I never would have thought that possible. Yet here we are, I’m eating a donut and sipping Cherry Coke and your reading the words of a madman who still has bacon on his breath. Shall we begin…

In courtship there are two uncertainties: 1) when you finally kiss on the lips there no way to be sure she hasn’t said good-bye to an ex, never swallow the saliva. Better to have a really spit filled mouth and walk a mile than to taste another man. Unless you’re a homosexual, then swallow away. Hehe, swallow… 2) I’ve recently discovered that the lotion-y goo that comes out of… it, does not mean that there has been “success” apparently some women are just really nasty and this extra “cream” is not an indicator. How do you know, you ask? Ask her to speak a safe word when the time has come (pronounced c-u-m). I like the word “Cheesy”. What do you like?

A couple of years ago I was drinking 24/7 including on the way to work and whenever I headed somewhere. That’s not the case anymore (despite the fact that comics seem to think I’m the worst alcoholic walking, I like to drink but when is the last time you saw me drink and tell an asshole what I really thought of him or just plain knock a comic I hate out? I don’t think anyone can answer that one… seriously) I sold cars a couple of years ago, but now I love my job and get thrilled with every homework assignment and exam I take on the road to wrapping this degree up. I was depressed out of my mind a few years ago by a terrible relationship but now I look forward to meeting my wife and depressing her. I can’t wait to see what’s different next year…

I won’t jinx the Fowlest, so I’ll just say that he’s got some incredible opportunity on his mind right now, cross your fingers for him… or pray. Whatever you’re into these days.

Whenever I picture someone playing the bagpipes I think of someone blowing into the stomach of a dead beast. Thanks Ren & Stimpy…

What’s wild is the more people are reading when I have nothing to say than when I jump back on this bad boy. But, I’m planning on making my presence felt for a little bit this week so hopefully people will remember I’m alive… and funny.

Eli posted some words of mine in his blog and I would be a total douche if I didn’t give him the opportunity to speak for a bit on my blog, take it away Eli Sairs:

Hello all, allow me to start by saying “I just plain don’t like black people”. With that said, I want Shaquita Jenkins to know that I love her and the tapioca pudding shaded baby that we made to know “Daddy loves you both”. I’m urinating into the trash can at my desk. I only let everyone know that because it got on my thumbs and I can’t get it off my mind. Rapper Fabolous turned 29 yesterday, BLANG BLANG. For the last time, “No I will not cut my hair, it the ultimate flavor savor… use your imagination”… take that conformist society. Tyler isn’t giving “a brotha” too much time so I’ll leave with you all with a slogan for the week. I was raised on it so I hope it touches people out there: “When life hands you a fist full of bad nuts, suck its d*ck” Bye all.

Thank you Eli, I appreciate you dropping pearls on us like that. I’m gonna take a shower.

I have almost gone out of my way to be myself at work, I’m truly blown away by the fact that everyone seems okay with that. What are the people doing to get taken down to HR. I’ve laughed at conversation involving people being paralyzed, then leaving the relationship while they re cooperate ( true, and I would definitely leave, why on earth would you want to stick around for that? Hey Nelson how are you today, feeling better about the circumstances that are now you’re life? “Yeah, they cut my hair yesterday and someone put on Looney Tunes so… kill me) and still no one blinks. People are so cold and unattached from what the media would have you believe is the workplace. Next week I move to phase two of my plan: Flatulence in very closed places.

Ducks are anti-semites… what?! It’s true.

On the way into my building last week a squirrel’s nut hit me on the face and looked up with confusion. I saw what looked to be an 11 lb. squirrel on 1 oz. branch that was as curved as a male hooker’s “junk”. I imagined that the branch was gonna give and this man-squirrel would go tumbling right onto my face causing me to be the butt of people’s jokes in the building for all time. Instead the squirrel apologized and we went about our way like it never happened. I forgave him that day and hope I never run across his remains on Follin Lane.

“… And me I keep it funky like pubic aroma. Hit him wit’ the glock, but him in a coma, now what boy got? Umm, glaucoma…” Oh Lil Wayne, how did you win most lyrical emcee again? Still the $#!T though…

My granny asked me if I wanted to go to Atlantic City with her and my response was simple: “Grandma, the hooker’s don’t even wear high heels. The last one that spoke to me had on jeans, sneakers and a Rockstar energy drink…”

I’d love a picture of someone younger than me getting to third base with an elderly woman. On second thought… yep, still want that picture. Hilarious, as long as it ain’t my Granny.

Alright I’m gonna go and hopefully it won’t take me a week to get back on my game. I guess you’ve got the juice now.

Laters

Hello everyone!!!

How are we all? Blogs are light, hopefully that means you guys are writing more jokes than ever. Well then…

Today I saw a dark chocolate (choc∙o∙lat) man literally stop on I-495 while brushing his hair. Traffic wasn’t bumper to bumper so it was terribly obvious, I just watched as the space went from two cars to about 10. He then decided to stomp on the pedal right when others desperately tried to risk their lives getting around him. Douche…

A sign at a church this morning read “If God is your co-pilot, swap seats”… that is all.

Yesterday I was asked, if I had a choice, would I rather wake up one day blind or deaf. I didn’t even think about it, “Deaf, I’d kill myself if I never saw a titty again…” I still agree with my answer but also because every time I see a blind man getting ready to cross the street I think that must be the hardest thing ever. No thank you…

On Wednesday night I actually watched The Ultimate Fighter, the fighters were pranking each other all episode. Someone drank something that had been urinated in. He took it like a champ, then the most horrible thing men can do happened… SEVERAL MEN CAME INTO SOMEONE’S SUSHI, THEN A THIEVING MAN ATE IT. He shouldn’t have been stealing food, but the realization that he just ate someone’s cum was hilarious. He also took it like a champ, he didn’t throw up and no one turned to blows. Personally I’m not sure how I’d react but I wouldn’t want to know who’s cum I just drank down with sushi. He told everyone that was involved he would get even with them by simply stating “Within the next few days my feces will be in your person…” My guess is he’s just going to shit in every piece of food in the house… awesome. But does making someone eat your kaka really trump munching on someone’s ball jelly? I just don’t know dammit, I just don’t know.

Gears of War 2 came out this morning and my friend Josh has already let me know just how awesome it was since he went out at midnight and stayed up all night. My dedication to video games if huge, but when it comes to sleep I don’t f*ck around, I gets down (I had to say that last part, I think I heard it in some rap song when I was a kid and have been saying it ever since). But I’ve got four days off and aside from going to O’Shaunessy’s tomorrow I’m looking forward to reintroducing myself to what love is. GEARS!!!!!!!!!

And with that… we go to the review:
http://xbox360.ign.com/articles/926/926305p1.html

Laters COGs!!!!!

If you didn't vote go to Canada

I voted today and I got a sticker! The voting was pretty $#!TTY cause I had to wake up at 5:10 am (much earlier than I normally go running out the door) and stand with strangers around. I hate how people continue to shuffle closer even though the line doesn’t move for minutes on end. The sticker was easier for me to get. No standing, no picking who might be a great president and steer us out of this turmoil… all I had to do is let some old guy bl0w me. I just sat there while he did all the work and got a free sticker out of it.

That’s not true though, don’t be weird next time I stick my hand out for a high five. I would never be that selfish, I did give the occasional brush of the hair to say “You’re doin’ alright Albert, alright…”

The cl!t tickle- Well, it’s exactly what it sounds like. For those that enjoy the compny (southern word) of a woman on a regular basis, run up on her when she least expects it and deliver. Don’t try to get sexual about it, just go from the heart. Let her enjoy the tickle and the more public the place the better. Get it going at a McDonald’s Playplace, but you have to shout “Clit TICKLE” as you get that tickle on. Mmmm, that’s sexy.

I sharded yesterday when leaving my grandmother’s house. No long story there, just disgusting truth. For those that are curious, poo gets cold if you sit in it for more than a few seconds. Moving on then…

It’s almost been two months since I started picking up and weights and putting them down again (and repeat) but I’ve noticed all of the “eye f*cking” I’ve started to attract is from 45 year old women, most of them have not been friendly with sex appeal over the years. I don’t know what to say… this is not what I expected.

Anyone going to entertain the kiddies tomorrow at Fairfax iNova hospital. To be honest, I hate helping people and other general acts of kindness. But, I love going to make those kids laugh and it even makes you feel good later. Could this spread to helping others? No. Putting a smile of the most charismatic hobo’s face would just make me realize whatever time I spent with him I can never get back. Everyone has their limits.

Whoomp there it is! I challenge anyone to start a work day with that phrase as loud as possible. Though you could be told to simmer down, I’d like to believe that’s just enough to jog Peter (the boss who never smiles or eats lunch) into his youth. If your boss does start to dance uncontrollably, let them dance damn you. You could end up pushing them over the edge, and what does a boss’ suicide mean to the grunt who put in their time? That’s right, 1-5 chance the next boss has a soul. Remember, “WHOOMP THERE IT IS!” Enjoy your Wednesday on me.

Like a 7-year-old kid, I asked my friend to ask his friend if a woman I like has “A Man or KIDS”. I don’t want them to ask her, I just don’t want to invest time and find out she’s a whore or worse… someone’s mother. Gee, I hope Jeff comes back to me with good news.

Veteran’s Day is next Tuesday, while most employers will be observing this on Monday, my employer will not. But that does give me the chance to enjoy a good ol’ four day weekend. Because I took off Monday with my own leave. Gears of War 2 comes out on Friday and though I’m going to work that day, I plan on playing for the next four days until my eyes bleed. I will take short bathroom breaks (no more than 3 poops a day), perhaps feed myself and go to the “O’Shaunessy’s” show on Saturday night. Wednesday won’t be nice to me next week.

After I-don’t-know-how-long of playing nothing but Jay-Z my iPod, which is on shuffle, decided to throw CAKE in between more Jay-Z. Just what’s going on in my life.

Jermaine seems to be having a great time in NY. Just letting everyone that the crime wave that NY refer to as “life” has not claimed the young fowl gentleman. I told him to stop washing and wiping his ass, that’s how I used to keep bees off me in middle school… and coyotes.

I’ll leave you with a final thought: Is anyone else aware that Alaska wants to secede? Who the f*ck knew? Where do they get the balls? More importantly, did anyone realize Palin’s husband is a key figure in this movement (that will never take place)? How was this not on every news channel during the campaigning? I’ve known for about two months and it blows my mind that it’s never brought up.

Laters