It's Friday so... why are your pants still on

I miss who my mother used to be, she was a lot like me when she was younger. Just a sample:
1) In the early 90’s my mother would sing “I got Jungle Fever, you got Jungle Fever, we got Jungle Fever, we’re all in love!” whenever we were in close proximity of an interracial couple.

2) To wake me up in the morning my mom would pull the comforter and sheets off the bed and go running out of the room with them. Aside from being horrifically could, I got to enjoy her maniacal laughter as she ran down hallways and steps.

3) Despite having purchased a new car, my mom would still pick me up from school in her 1988 Chevy Nova. Just to f*ck with me.

4) She would intentionally scoop out the Strawberry from my Neapolitan Ice Cream. She, of all people, knows how much I despise that!

5) During “bad” parts of R rated movies, she would give me a “human blanket”. Though the sex scene was long over, I think she just thoroughly enjoyed smothering me.

6) One day she spanked me for no reason whatsoever and she STILL won’t admit it. Did I mention I was made to strip and lie on the floor? Face down, ass up…

7) Anytime “Doin’ the Butt” came on she would stop the radio, even though I told her how much I hated the song. I’d like to believe she’d still let it play if it came on today.

8) My mom was the first person to show me tickles can last WAY too long and grow painful. But if I bit her to make her stop, I was grounded?!

9) I think she got a kick out of anticipating a slap. Example: I trimmed the yard one day and edged too closely. She was pissed and yelled at me in the car while we headed somewhere. She stopped yelling and waited about 3 minutes, meanwhile I look out the window. POP! Then she went right back to murmuring about her yard under her breath. Funny to me now, terrifying to me at the time. It’s all in the timing.

10) Mom, and years later my Grandmama, enjoyed putting great presents underneath a lot of clothes in a big box… like video games (which surprising slip into almost anything). Just to see the disappointment and then the sudden joy of “you got me” written all over my face. I’ll never forget the year that all I wanted was WCW vs. NWO World Tour, they got me all this stuff I didn’t ask for and on the last gift I was heartbroken. Then, inside a box made to hold a sweater, and underneath the paper inside was the corner of the box. I’m sure we’ve all seen Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, well I ran completely around my neighborhood just like Charlie did when he found his golden ticket. Straight to Nelson’s house to brag and compare how our Christmas mornings went. Memories… oh well, onto my blog then.

Today my team is heading to Fuddruckers to eat lunch, there were classier choices but how did we end up there you ask? Deception and a little thing Will Ferell once called “strategery”. There was a vote from the six of us. Three women eat lunch everyday and really wanted to eat at some place nice, I on the other hand do not care for Italian. The three younger people in group, include myself, a very picky friend and Azad (he’s the man so his name is the only way to describe his behavior). When the e-mail vote took place two of the women made a mistake, one voted Italian for her first choice and Cheesecake Factory for her second and the second woman voted Vice Versa. I chose to huddle to the younger team members. “We all have to vote the same way, they f*cked up” (what’s weird is when I curse at work I do it muted but they can still see my lips, a friend told me it’s still inappropriate but I don’t believe them… nah, I know it is). So Fuddruckers was where we decided and you could tell they weren’t too pleased. Ah, the simple joys of being an asshole…

Too Picky: While making eyes with a woman this morning, my friend Cassaundra asked if I was going to speak to her. I explained that we met awhile ago and she was very nice, and d*ckable. I let it go and forgot her name because she was too skinny. Where do I get the nerve?! I hope Max (my dog, I’m not gay) is ready to snuggle tonight.

It is hilarious to me the political and sports related blogging that comedians in this area are throwing out there. I’m bored and want to laugh, DON’T YOU DARE TRY TO EDUCATE ME WHILE MY MIND ROAMS!!!! And, for the sake of the wolf, would one of you Anonymous people start commenting on DCC4N’s blog again. It doesn’t have to be $#!T talk but that was when I was most excited to read a blog. I know the topics are generally Improv (troupe) related or just plain irrelevant but say something darn it! Come Monday I expect to be in stitches, or at least checking what new comments have been made every 10 minutes. Get it together people, stay focused! (I’d like that last sentence to be read as though you were doing Jim Carrey’s interpretation of The Grinch) ;)

When did it become official that it’s inappropriate for guys to make smiley faces and things? Now I just find myself doing them because I know people secretly judge me… and that’s how I get off.

I once made a point that no matter how bad you think your nuts stink other people cannot smell them when you are at a urinal. Apparently, that statement is false. Whenever it’s come up in conversation (interestingly enough it does) all the guys acknowledge that they’ve had times when they were self conscience of others smelling their dangly parts. But, they’ve always agreed that they have never walked in a restroom with someone who had stinky nuts so bad they smelled them from their urinal. While talking to my ol’ friend Charlie (he supplied this blog with a poem about a year ago, oh God, I’m old) he confessed that he was at a urinal and someone gave him a look that let him know he smelled the NUTS. And Charlie also shared that he could recall smelling another man’s nuts when walking into a restroom. I cannot even imagine what another man’s nuts would smell like since I like to believe we’re all special… but what if it had a hint of cheese or something. Ask a woman if they all have different twang to them or if it’s pretty unanimous. Back to the point though, be aware, other men can smell your nuts! Run out and get a good supply of Gold Bond. You never know which guys could be friends with a woman you’re interested in and whisper “You don’t want that guy, his nuts smelled like a hug that lasted long”

Okay comics, friends, ex’s, people who stumbled on a funny photo, blog hoppers and ladies… I’m spent.

Laters, have a very safe THREE DAY WEEKEND!

I we do this, promise you won't tell anyone... I know I could do better

During a training session, it’s awkward for everyone if you, the trainer, have a stomach growling louder than anything you’re saying. That’s just a fun little fact. You may keep it… if you like.

It’s so crazy how we decide what is attractive and what isn’t. Some like’em with meat on the bones (YES please!), some like’em with blond hair and some like women as skinny as the women on the magazines. There is no code for what we are drawn to, I guess we just find it when it finds us. I used to think I was all about cleavage but you know what? The first time I got these Swedish hands of mine on a good hunk of butt, there was no looking back. I must have sniffed my fingertips for years. Now I can accept that like most men (not black, cause we all seem to agree) I’m an ass-fanatic. Plain and simple, although unlike most “enthusiasts” I still care somewhat about what’s attached to it. For the women that are as ugly as seeing an Asian happy (TRich what is that supposed to mean?!) that man is destined to impregnate them and settle down. A.k.a. “The Dogcatcher”, bless his heart. Please God send me a YOUNG Tischa Campbell (Gina from Martin) look-a-like that will love my weird sense of humor, know just how I like my Peanut Butter and Jelly samich (yeah, I meant to spell it that way) and who never tires of fellatio. Praise be to the wolf… oh yeah, I’d settle for Beyonce too. It doesn’t matter that you’re having another man’s child, just tell me that you love me and make me believe it. LIE TO ME BEYONCE! LIE TO ME!!!!

Quizno’s sucks! Who needs that much meat? Giants do.

I don’t trust men in short sleeved “dress” shirts… I just don’t. Should you?

Every comic likes to see their name in print from someone else so here is the name of the day: James Jones. W…T… F… happened to James Jones?! He made me love him and then evaporated like he was simply a mirage (I know that he has a great job). Stay tuned tomorrow for more name dropping…

Is everyone who’s not white excited about NBC’s Stand-up For Diversity coming so close to home? I hope non of you funny muthaf*ckas show up so I can get my shine on… I’m sorry. I wish you all wealth, health and b*tches but don’t you come up there telling jokes and stuff and take their attention off of me. I will cut you, “I’m not hatin’, I’m just sayin”

Did anyone see how deformed Jimmy Carter looked when he spoke at the Democratic National Convention?! His eye looked like he was secretly the Terminator, and no one questioned it. On the flip side of the coin: I’m pretty sure that I recall hearing on the radio that Jimmer was diagnosed with cancer or something and if that’s the side effect of treatment, well I’m an ass. But I still don’t think we should show that on television, my little sister could see that $#!T! How am I supposed to tell her that T2 was just an awesome movie and in no way true when we’re putting the T800 right up on NBC? And he’s speaking right to us…

Chinese food is easily the most overpriced gunk in the junk. If it weren’t for “the General (Tso)” I’d tell her to take her high maintenance ass out of my life. “And, I know you been cheating on me too Chinese Food! Who the hell is Gary, why does he always call you so late?”

If people call you during “booty call” hours, that has to mean you give it up. By comparison, do you really think Sister Margaret is jumping up at 1 am in the morning to explain to people “Do you have any idea what time it is?!” Food for thought…

I believe I mentioned it before but I’m way to lazy to go back and read my previous blogs, “non of this $#!T makes any sense!” I think it would be funny (also a good premise, don’t steal it though, I could be wrong) if whenever you said something that was against your own (take an Uncle Tom for example, and when is the last time you heard that expression) you disappeared like you suddenly didn’t exist. Example:
Nelson: Hey, you feel like headin’ down to the movie theater?
Tyler: Nah, it’s the first night, you know there’s gonna be a bunch of loud n*ggas lookin’ for trouble don’t you? (suddenly glitter begins to fall from the sky around Tyler)
Nelson: Oh $#!T, what’s happening?! Where are you going?!
Tyler: I’m sorry Nelson, forget about me…
Nelson: (sob, sob) He should have known black was beautiful… I’ll play Mo Better Blues every August the 28th in your memory. Who’s gonna stop the machines from attacking us now?! Who?!

I’d like to think it would go something like that.

“I never meant to be so bad to you, that’s something that I promised I would never do…” I would recite all of Heat of the Moment by Asia, but I just don’t feel like you’d appreciate it. I’m a romantic.

I’m gonna go since I’ve run out of “stuff”. I’m glad the summer is pretty much over, my schedule if finally starting have breaths instead of dust and I’m calling like a mad man again. One more day to THREE DAY WEEKEND PARADISE!!!!!!

Laters

A day to crap... I mean cry about

Craps
I arrive to my cuby and press the on button
The craps, the craps
I’m still thinking about Tuesday; spent smokin’ and jokin’
The craps, the craps
Can’t recall what I ate and only visions of beer
The craps, the craps
Oh no, something dropped and added weight to my rear
The craps, the craps
Stand firm old man, it’s only 9:46
The craps, the craps
Don’t be one of the guys with tenacious AM $#!Ts
The craps, the craps
All that ham… all that Mac & Cheese
The craps, the craps
The way my stomach’s gurglin’ I’d better not sneeze
The craps, the craps
Uh Oh, here comes Carrie, better take this look off my face
The craps, the craps
You look like you just got sprayed with whole can of mace
The craps, the craps
Think of something “puckering” like Britney Spears Vag photo
The craps, the craps
Oops I laughed, dammit now I’m in trouble
The craps, the craps
Dashing down the hall in baby steps
The craps, the craps
Don’t bump into me unless you want to get wet
The craps, the craps
Finally at the bathroom, “Oh God have mercy”
The craps, the craps
Don’t let any of the $#!T spray back on me
The craps, the craps
Gotta lay down some TP, I don’t know who’s been here last
The craps, the craps
For all I know they had the acne all over their ass
The craps, the craps
Dancin’… hold on TRich this $#!T is 1 PLY
The craps, the craps
Okay I’m ready, let’s let the $#!T fly!
The craps, the craps
The guy next to me can relate, sounds like an audio track
The craps, the craps
Well, I ingested a lot of Asparagus… MUTHA F*CKA STAND BACK!!!!!

Hope you like my little diddy… that came from the heart. I want to be as poetic as Atif some days too. So sue me… but not really though.

The answer to ending world hunger is figuring out how to recycle food we’ve eaten (feces). I know I’m not the firs to suggest this, but gosh darnit, if we can just put all the protein and minerals back in that stuff… I’ve got it! Stuff that crap full of worms and stuff! I’ll let you know how the first taste tests go, of course I’ll need a volunteer… SPE (Sean, you know who you are), how do you feel about doo doo?

If you’ve never searched Lil Wayne beef then you probably have no problem finding Gillie. He makes funny videos but they’re only funny to me because they’re so ghetto. He was standing in areas I can only dream about, cause I’d be shot for no reason, talking a lot of $#!T. He did make some valid points though. If you’re bored check him out.

I’ve finished the Watchmen, I’ve called Jimmy several times. I’m just throwing it out there, devohaven@gmail.com if you want to talk about it. I’m busting and no one else is reading my copy fast enough. If you have my number feel free, if you don’t “read my mind and I will give it”.

What is a booger? Is it just God’s candy that people feel they’re too good to enjoy. Nose picking never goes away and some people (in traffic) show that they can live in a world free of judgement. Cause nothing is better than catching one, making eye contact and they don’t even bother to stop. “I’ll only know him for 10 more seconds… but I think I’ve almost hit pay dirt!” At least I’d like to think their thought process looks something like that.

I was on an elevator today and actually wondered if the woman in there with me was fat enough to take us down. No joke, she was fat enough I was actually concerned…

I texted Ayanna Dookie just now, the question is unimportant, but here was her response: “Who is this?” I love how females give their numbers to people and forget. Cause if I gave you my number, I definitely saved the name when you texted me. Cause, what if I owe you money?

Off the Wall… the newest woman that I’ve asked to dance. Thanks Justin!

Gotta keep this one short since I waited forever just to post this thing. Viva La Crap!

Laters

Muthaf*cka I'm ill

Here are a couple of videos I'm watching at home to get over this thing:

What did you do the first time you heard a song with a great beat?


This was actually an acceptable commercial back in the 60's?!


Salvia is a legal hallucinogen, now watch:


Lastly, let's get married proposal:

You gotta dance with more of your d*ck in it...

Here's to you, Slowpoke Rodriguez. They may not show Speedy Gonzalez because you were deemed "slightly" racist. But man, we had some good times didn't we?!

Today I woke up sick, not my favorite way to start a Monday. But there has been big news since last Thursday. We’ll get into that a little later. Shall we recap the weekend? Let’s do memories instead of the full breakdown. (Wasn’t quite what the weekend before was)…

Friday: As soon as I finished saying good-bye to Babygirl (only at work) then came up and checked the ol’ e-mail. Someone sent an e-mail to me mistakenly informing me of something at the Improv. On October 10th the DC Improv will start a new comedy showcase (not a competition; cheers from the crowd?) and I got the list of the first performers since it was sent to me by accident. Looks like: Eli Sairs, Hampton, Adrian, Will Hessler, Nora Nolan, Tyler S. and the whole shin dig will be hosted by Jay Hastings. Should be some type of fun!!!!! Wait a second, did I forget to put my name up there?! I did, too much MJ. I’m looking very forward to it though, it made my Friday. After reading that there wasn’t anything else to do but roll a nasty fat one and drink til’ Sunday night.

Saturday: Not much during the day but did end up at the ol’ Lizard. Tons of fun folks performed, and the saga of Dookie continues. A VERY long time ago I hit on Ayanna Dookie and since I don’t remember us getting together for drinks or anything, I’m gonna guess it went badly. Here’s the thing that really tripped me out, she remembered on Saturday night. I never expected that, but I guess the same way I remember how embarrassing that was, she would remember how funny that was too. Thought she has lost weight and is looking finer than ever, I kept my hormones in check. She was looking damn fine though, “Have Mercy”- Uncle Jesse from Full House

Allow me to set the record straight, “I have no preference when it comes to women, but I love black women”. At some point (probably because my ex-girlfriend was white) people thought I only find white women attractive. It only hurts because no one, unless you’re that guy, wants to be that guy. Fine is fine, and I like a bit of attitude with my ass… cause ass is a must. Will someone in the wolf congregation please testify? “Praise be to the wolf!”

The Fowlest made a stink about this blog so here it is: http://billykarate.blogspot.com/ I wish it didn't make me laugh looking at Billy in that perm.

I hate running from my parking garage to the inside of our building. Generally, all that running will leave me panting and then I get surrounded by people. I hate the thought of breathing really hard around people so I do my best to control it. This of course means I’m barely breathing, bad feeling says that one day I’m going to collapse or have a stroke from that one day.

No, you may not have figgy pudding.

The Olympics are finally dead, now we can go back to pretending to care about where the next ones are. Swimming was the main draw, I can only imagine what future Olympics have in store… London baby, London!

For every Lupe Fiasco there is a rapper not so eager to cram thoughts and lyrics into songs. I would just like a point out a master of lyrics, ladies and gentlemen give it up for G-Dep:


Creep with your people, though my shit is sweet and low it's no equal


Front butch look, once I throw the hook you proceed to get cook


With the game and the soldiers sit, When I came, the game that I owed you one


Wide big Lincoln, why he died on the side for the stinking


Watch the task force task for look Marlboro


It's a big chance, big pants, Might guard him with my man's a type barber


Better learn quick, cause my clique don't argue You ain't my crew, then who are you


For we take off make sure that your seated


Billboard read it believe it

You’re welcome G-Dep, where ever you are…

I regret I won’t be at Spy Lounge tonight cause I’m feeling terrible today (he says as all the food his family made for him suddenly makes an effort to see what his cubicle looks like). But please come down and show Eli some love. On September 9th we will be hosting a special show instead of our usual open mic. More details when we’ve finished with the list of performers, but it will be fundraiser for the MS society (multiple sclerosis) and show some love for a great cause too. 8 o’ clock tonight though, open mic! Show up before 8 and help bark. Last week was the saddest of the past month or so, let’s not have that again. Then everyone can walk in a straight line over to Chief Ike’s where they can introduce themselves to the other side of Monday comedy. Sound fair?

The maniacal laughter in Feel Good Inc. by the Gorillaz is anything but “Feel Good” music. Actually, it kind of scares me.

I was in the bathroom closest to my desk earlier and heard a man who sounded like he was dumping his soul in the toilet. His soul sounded chunky as f*ck. While washing my hands, who should walk out of there… my Vice President. In situations like this I go out of my way not to speak. He spoke to me first, awkward. That’s all, but it had such an impact I had to tell someone… I can’t stop replaying it in my mind.

Who do I know in Springfield, VA? Comedian or are you friendly like our friend in Huntsville (Hello there, been a while, didn’t want you thinking I’ve forgotten about you)?

Lastly, a quote from someone who is opposed to Barack Obama:
· “Obama and his Obamatrons made a fatal error during this primary. They insulted, disrespected, threatened, and disregarded the Clintonistas. They played the race card continually, then blamed the Clintons. Now. They need us. Too late. Too much damage. Now you pay. No votes. NObama. Ever.”


Ignorant $#!T. Shameful.

Laters

A Bernie Moment

“Are you good?” Funny how a phrase like that can be responsible for such a long night of… well, misadventure.

Yesterday was typical “MJ caused us more trouble than it was worth” (I know that doesn’t seem like it could be true) and it started out so innocent. My friend Bernie just wanted to taste her sweet lipstick since it had been a while and we were calling friends all weekend trying to stop the drought. Finally, while working hard (like right now-ish) I get all these calls saying people have seen her. I could’ve waited til the weekend or something but I’m the only way Bernie was going to “eat” so I did what any friend did… snackrificed my afternoon. Sure, I could’ve let the Fowlest talk me into going to Wiseacres and get (insert random whine here) but instead I went home. Kevin had the day off, that has nothing to do with the story I’m just bitter that I had to come to work yesterday. So, Bernie arrives and I literally made/received more phone calls than a busy telemarketing floor setting up who had earned our business. Finally, we have our choice and now we wait for the meet up. What do you watch while waiting on a phone call like that? The Office, it’s perfect for any occasion. I made him watch “Rogan vs. Mencia” on YouTube and then it was off to Friday’s. Before we do that Bernie decided to take the scenic route, what could’ve taken 10 minutes took 30. I should mention that I peed in a women’s bathroom in a gas station right before we arrived… Ugg. Apparently women just toss used pads and tampons in the trash. When I first looked, cause it was filled with them, it looked like they were $#!TTING into napkins and throwing them away instead of flushing them. You can only imagine the horror on my face when I peered into the that can. Bernie gets out of the car and says “Oops, I forgot to hand you the money already”, so I put out my hand. This could have been over like that but then we did the dance of suspicion: 1) He didn’t just hand me the money like someone normally would.
2) He suggested we get back in the car
3) When I went to open his door he said “Nah, that’s suspicious”
4) We went and stood behind a pillar and he still fumbled with his money
5) Look left, look right… enter Friday’s as a shifty eyed suspect
We came in and sat down, introducing ourselves I realize that I know two of these “new friends” already. What luck, Bernie knew everyone that worked there. I say “Hey, think you can get a hook up on drinks?” He told me he didn’t think so. Immediately after I order my beer the bartender goes “Oh my God, Bernie! You drinking? What can I get ya? Don’t worry about it…” A lot of time passes, apparently the main man that we are waiting on has car trouble. Looks like we might have to go to him. About 10 minutes later Bernie comes to me and says “Hey let me get that 20 ($) back, I just bought some.” WTF!!!! I’m not sure if I was more pissed that he circumvented the entire reason we were there or that he just scored from a waiter. Probably the first one though, did I mention he had on a Double Dare shirt. Every black person at the bar went out of the way to tell him how much they loved that show. I don’t know how he does it, without trying he ensnares every person of color he meets. Could be his SWAG, but let’s get back on topic. So now he’s got a cup full, we’re still waiting, then another old friend from a physics class walks in. Loved the guy to death but this is why weren’t best friends. Once the (cough, I’m not saying it) got there hands seem to slide around and things are exchanged, he’s not stupid and knows what is going on. He knows NO ONE that is at the table with me. These are some of the things I can recall him saying while I “Shhh” and blew him off: “Aww man, I’ve been looking around forever!” “Think I could go ahead and get some too!” “I’ve been in a drought for so long, you gotta hook me up!” I want you to pay attention to the exclamation points behind everything, WE WERE IN PUBLIC. I swear he came up on my side with cash in his hand. I think the instant look of “You gon’ get a n*gga busted!” on my face let him know to shut up. So, finally it was time to get out of there. When it was all said and done, it was more trouble than it was worth. I didn’t get to sleep until after 2 am. I am a creature that feeds on sleep, not cool.

Eli, in case you’re reading this, what you gave me yesterday was not a list of 6 comics! That is all.

I got really lazy about calling clubs and what not, hoping it was because the summer sucks for laughter. But instead I’ll blame the Fowlest for leaving.

Yesterday a friend that never picks up when I call or calls back when they say they will called me. I was busy and said I’d call back, I lied on purpose. It’s the only way to teach people like that. Be busy or be a friend, I love hard like that. RESPECT.

They need to release “Jamie Kennedy’s Blowin’ Up” on DVD, that show was hilarious. If it’s already on DVD don’t point that out. Just buy it for me.

I went through yesterday without going to the bathroom. You know what I mean, I remembered that I kept meaning to do that this morning. But there was no time, “Suck it back ol’ man!” I’ll draw a sketch of the birth that will eventually take place, I’ll post it on http://www.deviantart.com/

Not really though, that’s gross.

“N*ggas copy my style, so I gotta switch up on em’.” – 50 Cent. Where does he get the nerve, not only is he the only rapper who talks like he’s laughing all the time; if he switched up his style I’d remember more than two tracks on his new album. Truth is he’s turned into another Method Man… remember him right?

There is a Chinese girl (not being stereotypical, she really is Chinese) on my floor that talks just like Rosie Perez. It’s like watching someone possessed by the devil. Assuming the devil was raised in the Bronx.

Laters

Fatty Boom Batty

Yesterday was a mad race for my girlfriend MJ. Sometimes in severe moments of desperation I look at myself in the mirror and ask “What would 11-year-old Tyler think about that?” I think once I explained how “she” made me feel he would get over it. Snoogins- Jay from Jay & Silent Bob Strikes Back

Don’t believe what people tell you, it’s definitely gay to eat Snickers to kill time. Eat them cause they’re delicious. Just ask President Bush: “Totally gay dude”- The President

The last quote was a lie. That was Chuck Norris.

Yesterday a co-worker told me that perhaps I could cure a woman’s backne (back acne) with lovin’… so ignorant I had to laugh. Definitely not true though, cause she’s got it bad.

Blessed are the dogcatchers of the world. We all pass at least a couple people everyday that are so unappealing you cringe and look to the ground. If you look closely, most of these people are married. Cause there is someone for everyone. God bless the people who are willing to stare this challenge in the face and give it a big kiss. We don’t give them the thanks they deserve. Here’s to you dogcatchers, just a little something from everyone that just can’t do what you do. Bang her one time for the Gipper.

When I was in high school I used to work for After Hours Formal wear. Nelson worked there too, but more importantly so did a woman named Michelle. Michelle was a great big fat woman. She also had quite the pungent odor about her, not to be too gross but she stunk of cheese and filth. She was gross in every way. Luckily, she had a dogcatcher named Scotty taking one for the team. Bless his heart, but let’s get to the funny part. My nickname for Michelle became “Fatty Boom Batty”. Somehow it caught on and everyone in the store began referring to her as such. We couldn’t call that to her face so as a funny joke, we’d refer to “ The F Double B” (Fatty Boom Batty) around her like we were speaking about someone else. After about a year and a half of this (even the manager referred to her like that) she asked one day, “What does F Double B mean?” I was forced to explain this horrible nick name to her… $#!T. How do you tell someone you’ve been calling them that?! These were pretty much my exact words: “My friend Mike came up with the nickname Fatty Boom Batty. We all found it pretty funny, we’re sorry.” Yeah, I was a coward and put that off on someone else. Nelson and I occasionally laugh about that day, cause neither one of us could breathe when she asked what that meant. Good times…

I know it took me a while to post this thing today, but as soon as I get home there will be a complimentary YouTube video. I may not even steal it from Ryan’s blog… but I probably will.

Wednesday is a bit of a shorty, but oh…. Tomorrow is a whole ‘nother b*tch. Look forward to seeing you all at Wiseacres. Unless I realize that Randolph hates me and will never allow me stage time… hmmm.

Laters

A sad story...

I’m sipping on a strawberry smoothie, no homo.

Rarely ever do I see anything that tugs at the heart strings but today was a rare occasion. Skimming through some messages, I saw a man’s desperate plea for help. I wish I could quote it verbatim (pretty sure it’s a conflict of interest) but I’ll try to sum up this very long note in my own special way.
- His debit cards were stolen
- He bought a house a couple of years ago and put thousands of dollars down on it
- He was bedridden for 3 months earlier this year
- Lost his job
- He was living in South Africa (I think that’s the saddest part, cause I hate Africans… yeah, I said that)
- He moved back to the DC area after his ex dumped him, I’m assuming he got better but who knows, women.
- He was unable to get a job and had “complications” with his landlord
- He moved back to South Africa (ugg!)
- Due to mortgage rates and being three months behind he now faces foreclosure
- Whenever he tries to sell the house, that he seems to be in love wih, his ex won’t sign. That means he can’t sell it (her name is on the house for those that are slow). She is forcing him into foreclosure!
- “i don't have permanent residency here; my ex broke up with me before i was eligible to get the south African equivalent of a social security number. this means that i spend 3 days on a bus every three months going back and forth to Zimbabwe [the bus is $50 each way and i have a free place to stay] i was there the week before the last election, when the political violence was obscene. i put myself in serious physical danger just to be able to pay my bills, and it seems like i'm going to lose everything anyway, and this just does not seem fair.” Damn
And here is the part where the Grinch’s heart grew three sizes that day. Throughout his entire story I thought to myself “Wow, he’s really taking all of this like a solider. His life is $#!T but he’s almost talking about it like it’s not happening to him.” Here is the last sentence of the message: “can you help me? [can you escalate this to a senior manager or someone who just doesn't look at raw numbers and can help me out?] i don't know what to do anymore, besides cry.”

An important note for all those young people that are so eager to jump into marriage. Just be careful, I’m not joking when I say most women are wh_res and they will ruin your life. All his problems weren’t cause by a woman, but she damn sure ain’t helping $#!T.

I should not have eaten Pizza Hut’s spicy Buffalo Wings last night, and definitely not with all that alcohol. That is a wake up call that my friends and I commonly call “The Whiskey $#!Ts”. I sat through traffic trying not to spill anything. I say spill cause there was nothing solid about my morning… nothing.

Come to think of it, Asparagus was probably a mistake too. I’m joking, I didn’t have time for Asparagus, but whenever that’s mentioned with bodily functions I can’t help but laugh.

Do you know what I love most about open mics? People who can’t stand me will speak to me just because they’re bored. I’m not going to say who I’m talking about but you can always tell when someone isn’t too fond of you still breathing. Yet they still shake your hand…

When you get home consider downloading (or buying if you’re like my mother) MC Hammer’s new-ish song “Yay”. Babygirl and I have been laughing at that all morning.

I case you got happy for me from that last sentence, don’t. She just really “likes” me, she keeps texting and talking to me. Damn that girl is fine.

R&B singer Ne-Yo looks like Magilla Gorilla. There, I said it.

In case you were not at Spy Lounge last night (don’t know where the f*ck else you’d be…oh yeah, Ike’s) let’s do THE LIST: Eli (touched my scrot when no one was looking), S.P.E. (Sean someone had to create a nickname for you, wait scratch that… Testical. I like that one better), Byward (never cares that people have “McNasty” on that floor, he always does that homeless guy bit and lies down), Adrian (I’m a f’n pimp, it’s summertime), Herbie (a fellow Kangol enthusiast), Will Hessler (Can I just call him Will? Do we have a better one in DC?), Tim & Sarah (Sarah ran out to go to Ike’s so let’s focus on Tim… he’s funny), Mike (I can’t remember his last name but he talks like a paranoid schizophrenic), Jacques (Truth: The only thing that popped into my mind was “A true mutha-f*ckin-Mack”, that’s funny to me), Becca (is not a comic, but the only thing holding her back is jokes), Bryson (everytime I see him the clouds part so God can get a better look, no homo) and of course THE FOWLEST (that n*gga is just… plain… wait for it…. GAY) he’s been missed, mostly by me. I was a little pissed about how initially the people on street kept on passing me by. I even got dissed a couple times when asking for a high five (really?!), and the Fowlest had to check me. He didn’t have to slap in my teeth like he did though, but I love him.

Going back to the high fives, let me speak on this black guy who denied me. First of all, as much as I’ve said what I feel like on the street, no one has ever threatened or even taken offense to something I’ve said. It kind of surprises me, but I almost want someone to one day. Yesterday this older black guy (pudgy f*ck) had me thinking he was going to be the first one. Nothing is gay about a high five and when I asked him for one he kept it moving like I was going to rob him. So I shouted something to him like “Damn man, really I can’t get a high five?!” He spun around with a really angry look and began to put his hand in the air like he was going to put his finger in my face. I was giving the benefit of the doubt so I put the hand back up for him to hit that $#!T. He opened his mouth and said “No” and spun back around and kept it moving. All the @sshole comics laughed at me. He hurt my feelings. The end.

I gave my phone number to the married woman from Friday. I’M WEAK!!!!!!

We always want what we can’t have. Case in point: I wanted Babygirl, she wanted friendship. This girl on my floor with kids wants me, I want Ruffles potato chips. See…

Wait a second, I can have Ruffles potato chips…. It is done.

When I got home last night I Kamehameha’d Nelson. For those unfamiliar with the Dragonball Z: Burst Limit commercial let me explain. I opened the door and he was in the kitchen pouring a drink of Vodka. He said “What’s up?” I replied “Kamehameha!” and kicked him in the nuts. Later in the evening, in the midst of serious conversation, he pulled out his “bean bag” about two inches from my face. Oh the games that straight men play…

I think I’ll go read everyone else’s blogs this is just dribble.

Weekend about women

Well it was quite the weekend. Busy, though I had nothing to do with comedy. Let’s go back and start from the beginning.

On Friday Babygirl and I became, nothing. Sometimes you lose, but honestly it does feel better to have focused attention on someone for a little while. It’d been so long since my ex, I almost thought I wanted nothing to do with women. No homo. So, determined to have fun on Friday I set out to my friend Stu’s place. Before I stepped out the door, he told me that my girlfriend MJ would not be able to attend. That puts a halt to that plan. Called Bernie to get together and come up with a plan like we used to. While waiting Nelson comes home, that makes three of us. Then comes the call… it’s my friend Josh’s sister with a proposition. She tells me that I should go to this club with her and a friend that is “hot”. Naturally, I don’t believe Shelly until the friend begins to chime in from the background. She sounds hot! But we all know that the first thing ugly people learn is to be attractive on the phone. I have nothing else going for so I’m actually considering this. “I believe I said the words, I’m not coming unless I’m getting laid” (this will come back into play shortly). Bernie gets there and thus the trickery begins. Shelly is married, we have known Shelly for over a decade, Bernie is Shelly’s dream man. He would not come out with Nelson and I if he knew Shelly was going to be there. So, I tell him I’m being set up with a girl (26 but I still call her a girl) and her friend will be there. He actually seems enthused and asks about the other friend (Shelly). “She’s gross, you wouldn’t like her, but there’ll be tons of women there” I think I played it off smoothly. We finally head out after much resistance, plus I won a last minute game of rock, paper, scissors. We got lost right near the club and Shelly calls wondering where we were. Bernie didn’t put two and two together until we walked up and Shelly met us outside with her FINE friend. I was shocked, not only that but I could tell she liked what she saw right off the bat. Could just be a good night after all…

When we get inside everyone sits down to grab a drink and chat. I should mention that Shelly told me she had a hook up with the bartender. This hook up only applied to her, I guess cause I only got one Miller Lite for free-zies. I go to the bar and since the “fine friend” and I hit it off I ask her to join me. She says “yes”, on the way to the bar she stops at these two guys’ table and begins to chat. She’s not my girl so I walk on and wait about 10 minutes to get my beer. When I got back she explained that she looked for me but lost me in the crowd after saying some words to those guys. It’s cool to me, then the bomb gets dropped…. “I’m Married”- Fine Friend that TRich is there to bang. I’m pretty speechless at that point, then she adds “See those two guys over there? Those are my husband’s friends that are also Marines, so we have to be careful”… What would you do? Exactly, so the night goes on and she can’t seem to keep her arms off me. Every time she touches me, I turn around and sneak a peek at those guys. They must not have been good friends cause at one point she was feeding me (don’t judge me, she was fine) and they didn’t even blink. Bernie and Nelson pulled me aside for the “talk”, “Are you crazy, you’re gonna get your @ss whipped over some married woman” was among many sides of their argument. To be honest, as much as I really wanted to bang this “woman”, I’m not that guy. My life has been very drama free for about two years and it would be stupid to give up my peace for “a peace”.

Eventually, it’s time to go and the girls are ready to leave with us. Shelly forgot something and like a good friend “Mrs. Promiscuous” is by her side to run get it and head back to our place. When they walked away Bernie, Nelson and I all looked at each other and gave “the nod”. We gleefully laughed as we ran back to the car and sped out of the parking lot. I didn’t really pay much attention to my phone for the rest of the night, but I had to laugh when I saw I missed a text message from Shelly at about 3:30 am. It read “My friend wants to know why you aren’t interested in her?” Classic.

Saturday I woke up around “tha crack of noon”. Kevin and I decided that since there was nothing better to do, why not get good and drunk? Lots of Vodka and orange juice later, it’s 3:30 pm and we’re piss f*ckin drunk. Not proud of it, but we laughed about that fact pretty hard. I dragged his sleeping @ss off the bathroom floor like it was 2 am in a party. We crashed at about 4-ish, then I woke up at 8. It was his brother calling to ask if I’d seen him. I told him that he was sleeping only, when I got off the phone I realized that he was not sleeping or even in the apartment. As drunk as I was, and I drink ALL the time, he drank more than I did. How could he safely have driven anywhere before I’d even woke up?! I was actually concerned cause deep down… I’m sof(t). We’ll get back to more about Kevin, but let’s get to my Saturday night.

Side note: I watched some Olympic marathon for a little bit. A British woman was beating a fleet of African women. One African tried to jump out in the lead and caught a cramp after holding the lead for 40 seconds. The look on her face when that leg started acting funny was priceless. Imagine you’re eating and you suddenly realize that you’re urinating. Something like that… back to Saturday.

I call a friend and ask about MJ, he has no idea where she’ll be but tells me to meet him at the Claredon Ballroom. If you have no idea how much I detest people who hang out in bars and clubs you might think this is a regular weekend. So, I get ready to head out to Arlington. Who should call? A woman that I was “with” about a year ago who, for some reason, thinks we’re friends. I’m willing to converse for a while since I’m getting ready and driving up there. I’ll say anything to get off the phone, most people are probably like me. “Alright, well let me let you go, but tomorrow we should get together. (she laughs) Nah, it doesn’t have to be like that. Just hang out or something (she finally lets me get off the phone)” little did I know that too would come back into play.

I get to a part of Arlington I’m familiar with and decide to park, at the Ballston Commons Mall parking garage. If you aren’t already saying “$#!T you parked far” just know that I walked about 11 blocks to get to Claredon Ballroom. There was a line around the corner when I got there… I was not too please but what are you gonna do? I made conversation with some girl in front of me who was waiting for a lot of friends to meet her. With my friends standing at the door waiting for me, cause there was no way I was going to find them in there (it was f*ckin nuts in there). I hand the guy at the door my license and he says to me “Got any I.D. that ain’t expired?” My license is not expired but when I renewed my license online the DMV sent the new one to my old address. Either way it clearly shows I’m 25 and not 20. I didn’t explain any of this to him, but I do have a piece of paper that proves I renewed my license, where is the paper you ask? In my car, 11 blocks (10 minutes) and then back again. Lord knows if he actually would’ve let me skip the line. By this time it was almost 1:30 am and definitely not worth it. I slowly walked back and called Nelson.

Kevin was still M.I.A. and Nelson was actually concerned now. Did I mention that he left his cigarettes? When you know someone to be a chain smoker like this man, you know they wouldn’t just leave a pretty full pack and their lighter on the couch. Not both, maybe one. I call and give a pretty angry message about how a text message would be nice, and how he’s the reason people scream “Bros before Ho’s”. Then I finally head home.

I wake up on Sunday at about “tha crack of noon” and take my dog for a walk, the type of walk that looks like a run. When I get back and try to relax, I get a text message “Just woke up, will call when I’m on my way”. It’s the woman from last night, she remembered and plans to make me waste some of my Sunday. Sunday is a day of mourning for me. The weekend is over as soon as I open my eyes on Sunday morning, nothing left to do but cry til’ I go back to sleep. I don’t even like to leave the house. And, how does she remember where I live?! When she called I was playing video games, I didn’t answer. Instead I text back “At my mom’s house, how long are you in the area?” (yeah, she traveled a little ways to see me) hoping she would turn around. Instead she replies with “Let’s meet in a couple of hours”… Ugh. Fine, you got me, I’ll shower and get dressed. Those were two very short hours, every five minutes I checked the clock and it was always 15 minutes closer (math whiz). Nelson comes home when I have a half an hour left. I inform him that Kevin’s fine, I spanked him at Soul Caliber IV earlier that afternoon. Then it hits me, I can use Nelson to cut the date short and get back home without being forced into “physical interaction”.

The plan was to say Nelson went to my mom’s house with me, he’s family anyway. The third wheel always makes it awkward, unless you ignore them which I wasn’t gonna do. I’d say that “I have just enough time get home and get ready before I had to go ____” and wallah… back at home mourning my weekend. The plan went down just as I planned, I had her meet me at Applebee’s cause I didn’t feel like cleaning the place and how easy is it to say “Let’s go to the bedroom”. She had already eaten at Boston Market, and doesn’t like to drink when she has a good lil’ drive ahead of her. Nelson and I got a Bahama Mama ( Nelson said it’s the best he’s ever had) and a big @ss Mudslide (It was strong, I think the bartender liked me) and split one of their Trio meals. She ate nothing and drank water, I found it hilarious but had to wait til’ we got to the car to laugh… hard. When it was FINALLY time to say “good-bye” she shook Nelson’s hand and then I walked her to the car. Men, how many times have you said good-bye to someone that you don’t want anything physical from and prayed they don’t try to make out with you? How many times have you rushed to hug just as a pre-caution? Then laugh with me, cause that was the quickest hug she’s ever received. With this cologne, that should be a crime (man, that was arrogant, but they say I’m sexy now).

Now, the weekend’s over and I wish I had it to do all over again. I would have banged that Marine’s wife. How do you like that? I’m scum!

Laters, all this $#!T was 100% true. I only wish I embellished some of it. I would’ve gotten some action…

Yesterday, I was raped, man-raped...

By 3 O’ Clock (ET) we will have our press conference where we see a dead Bigfoot. Tell me I’m the only one who’s got the slightest bit of a chub going…

Last night I actually watched the Olypics for about an hour (oh God, maybe 2) and saw this incredible Michael Phelps. He’s every bit of the nasty that the media hypes him to be. With an iPod in his ear until it’s time to jump in the water, I like that. While he was cut up, Kevin and I couldn’t help but notice that his partner (I want to call him Costigan) was a bit of a chubster. Like an everyman who was in the crowd until someone yelled “Our other American is injured! Won’t one of you fans come down here and swim for your country?!” Lucky him, he just happened to be wearing a Speedo. With all the medals that Phelps has/is winning, the other has got to be shrooming while there. Who’s paying attention to him? I can’t really remember his name. But then again, who the f*ck am I? Not an Olympian that’s for sure.

Might sound crazy, but as a man who has music playing in his ears/head 99% of the time, silence is beautiful. Not the silence you all are thinking of, but when it’s so loud that for a moment I shut it all out and time itself has weight. Similar to making eye contact with the squirrel you want to move out of your wheels direction or remembering something you used to love as a child that hadn’t crossed your mind “in forever”. A whisper can send a shock wave up your spine depending on who’s breath is on your neck. Sorry, felt in a real mellow mood for a minute there. Back to whatever the F this is…

One day, will we speak of Jim Carrey like we speak of Steve Martin. Hopefully, Jim Carrey’s name won’t become synonymous with “I ain’t going to see that $#!T”, like Steve Martin.

I just saw one of the finest Filipino women I’ve ever seen. That is all.

I just thought back on one of the ruder things I’ve done over the last few years. There was a girl named who Adrian who I used to work with that looked exactly (and I mean it with every bone in my body) like RuPaul. If you don’t know who that is “Google that $#!T”, for everyone else… One day we were making jokes and I let her know that she looked like him. Not flattering for a woman, I guess, but I was so intent on proving my point I turned to the world wide web. Remember when people called it that? I pulled up a picture of RuPaul and clipped her picture from a website to compare it to. After about 10 people agreed, laughing hysterically, she seemed on the verge of tears and pretty upset. I wish I’d taken the time to laugh but back then I wasn’t completely cold to other people’s emotions. If only I had another chance, I’d make that $#!T into a t-shirt.

Smile, do really even need a reason?

Sorry for the shorty, but my day is as busy as Britney Spears va-jay jay… that was unnecessary, I don’t know Britney. Only what the tabloids have lead me to believe. She’s probably a good parent who married a back up dancer and cheated on Justin Timberlake. I can forgive the back up dancer, K-Fed up in this b*tch, but not your infidelity, not that. (anyone remember that Meatloaf song “I would do anything for love but I won’t do that”? That $#!T was bumpin!)

Laters

For the Kids...

So, Anupuma, Bryson, Molberg, Jake Young, Jeff Maurer and myself all went down to the hospital for bit of laughter and things. We split into two teams, MaurerTurnerYoung banded together while the team of AnupumaEricTyler mounted on the otherside of the floor. We would be visiting three rooms instead of doing everything in the room of games and things. I guess some of the children couldn’t make it out of bed but only one looked incapable of getting up. Not to be a d*ck, but the two boys that our team visited first were great, they were receptive and basically the type of audience you hope for when you walk off the elevator and smell sick in the air. The last girl, I didn’t see when the other three performed, was in so much pain it felt kinda strange. While it’s expected, there were three occasions where mid-laugh she had to hit the pain killer button. I don’t care what you say that will stop a joke right in its tracks. Stopped Anupuma, it stopped me (plus a nurse had to come refill it) and Molberg… well Molberg was just awkward to watch. Perhaps I was pushing the boundaries of what could and could not be said but Molberg took a footstep and ran a mile. Nelson and I laughed about it cause his sets for these children included jokes about Crystal Meth, slaughtering your co-workers, lessons in gambling and then appropriate material. In no way am I actually judging what material he did, but I know that if I was a turtle during some of that you wouldn’t even be able to see my eyes. But, the children laughed and whenever a child laughs the wolf makes delicious Toaster’s Strudel. Praise be to the wolf… and Kate for putting it all together, I got a lovely rose out of it.

I may have an alcohol problem. It’s not really a problem for me, but boy you should have seen the look on Nelson’s face when I pulled out a Miller Lite while driving HIS car. Priceless.

I wish that last couple of sentences weren’t true but it’s so much funnier to me that it is. Plus I’d just kissed MJ, but there’s nothing wrong with that.

What do you say when a woman flat out asks you “What are your intentions with me?” It’s a bold question, I think I answered well on the spot. Go from the heart yo!

If you have any medium of entertainment then by now you must be informed that there will be a press conference tomorrow where we just might find out that Bigfoot is real and captured. That cracked me up on the way to work this morning and apparently it’s male. The first thought I had was, this thing has been running around in the forest for God knows how long without a shower or anything that would leave a good smell. That Yeti has got to smell like a half mile of dog nuts with cheese on’em. Gross, I’ll watch from my living room cause someone’s going to have their ability to smell taken from them by force. Let’s just imagine what could happen:
Guy: Oh my God, it’s real. I don’t believe it.
Man at podium: That’s right feast your eyes on what many have chased but few have tasted!
Guy: Woo-Hoo!!... what is that smell? Oh my God, oh God it smells like hundred year old wolf p*ssy! Ow, my eyes! I can’t see! I’m f*cking blind man! Owwww!
Man at podium: Move along now, nothing to see here anymore.

I purchased a lot of Krispy Kreme doughnuts yesterday, that is all.

Need a haircut bad, look like a slave that’s not allowed in the house.

One day I would like to write a poem just like Dr. Seuss, the man was brilliantly twisted. I bet he had some freaktacular late night visits. “Hear I want you to smash the jelly with your toes until I’m finished”- Dr. Seuss (not really, but wouldn’t that be applause worthy)

I honestly can’t remember if I’ve ever shared this in the past, so here we go again. My friend Josh is married with children. Back when he was not someone’s father and still single but dating his wife he got really drunk one night. After making out for some time he thought things were going to pick up fast. I guess they had been making out a little too long for Josh to feel comfortable with, he shouts out (keep in mind they’re in the “heat of the moment”) “Jesus Christ, will you suck my d*ck already!” Notice there is not question mark, cause while they both shared the story with me it did not sound like he was asking. By far, his best moment that I wasn’t there to see.

From the mouths of babes....

Yesterday was cool cause I decided to catch up on some much needed nightmaring. Unfortunately, all that sleep meant “Jack $#!T” to me when I hit the sleep button 4 times this morning. Damn Transformers for coming on late on a Tuesday night into Wednesday morning. Should be illegal, who can just turn the channel when Shia Lebouf is on?!

People who don’t answer the phone when I call don’t get answered when they return the call. Immature, yes, but that’s justice…. Street justice. I hope to God they don’t have anything important to tell me, cause I don’t listen to most of my voicemails. That’s just because I believe in anarchy and to be a slave to my machine would be hypocrisy. (Tyler then realized his entire existence was “falling in line” and he’d become the puppet that sickened him to the core. He picked up his monitors and threw them at the prettiest woman he could see, just to destroy something beautiful. Defecating into his own hand, he began shaking his fist, and $#!T, at people and running down the hall. Eventually security cornered him and he was forced to jump out of the window and make his way to the forest. No one dared chase him, the woods were his now. He would return one day to lead the great people of earth to victory against the machines. But that’s another story for another time… isn’t it?)

If you have Soul Caliber IV and think you’ve got skill, come find me… Devo2021

Am I ready for a relationship? I don’t know… I still taste like no, but I look like sure. Oh, if only I could touch “I’ll give it a shot”.

“Kiss my black @ss”- Eminem

It’s a woman’s birthday on my floor. Just a thought, but how would it go over if I walked over there and slapped her to the ground?

Hitting women is not… never mind, I’m no gentleman.

After listening to both Graduation from Kayne West and Curtis by 50 Cent I feel confident they should both head over to VH1 and take some lessons from Farnsworth Bentley. That n*gga’s got juice kid!!!!

Show for minors at iNova hospital in Fairfax tonight!!! I have no idea who will be there, but here’s my guess: Anupuma, Molsberg, TRich (if you can’t say it, just call me Tyler… Eli) and other kind hearted souls. I actually enjoy the laughter of children very much, so why is it that outside of the hospital I can’t f*cking stand them?

Craig David has a song where he refers to himself as “The Booty Man”. The hilarious part of the song to me is that he does it as though he’s in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. “Who can something something… The Booty Man can. The Booty Man Can…” When I heard that for the first time the other day I was drinking a soda. I nearly lost the soda cause that’s just funny to me.

Babygirl likes to dance, she told me she couldn’t imagine me dancing. I told her it involves a lot of hands. Then I began to move like I was crushing a coconut with my bare hands, but with rhythm. She walked away, I’d like to think that she didn’t want to see anymore previews, she was too anxious for the feature film… that’s what I tell myself.

Nelson and I basically have the entire “Yes” song down pat. I don’t care how gay it looks, I still laugh just as hard as I did the first time I saw it.

2008 is almost done, I’ve almost been doing this thing here for 3 years… and I haven’t had a tomato thrown at me while performing. Fozzy must have been terrible, they threw $#!T at him EVERY time. And who thought a $#!TTY comic puppet was a great character that children could relate to?! Who knew they’d be right? Muppet Babies B*tch!

THE PLAN TO RUN ELI SAIRS’ REPUTATION INTO THE GROUND Day 23:
Monday night Mr. Sairs explained his racist mentality “I would never date ____s, I think it’s because of their faces”. You heard it hear first people, Eli Sairs, baby rapist… I mean racist. More info to come, he’ll f*ck up, and when he does I wanna be there to smear $#!T in his hair. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Nails are getting too long, better cut them. People will think I do coke. And I don’t.

A co-worker just asked me a question that I couldn’t answer, it was out of my grasp. I sent her away with this “A machete solves a lot of problems… but not this one”. Yeah, I like being THAT guy at work.

Just got The Dark Knight on my (Nelson’s old iPod, but now he has an iPod touch) iPod. Before jealousy makes you bitter, keep this in mind. I saw that movie 3 times, have any of you paid for admission three times, I you have kudos. But remember this, jealousy is a tattered coat that wreaks of urine, never wear it in my presence.

The scariest place I can imagine being lost: Transsexual Transylvania. Oh God.

Speaking of which, there is supposedly a remake of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Without Tim Curry I do not see what will attract people to that movie. He was to that film what Heath Ledger was to The Dark Knight. Best of luck with that.

Is Eric Clapton dead yet? Better yet, is Paul Simon still alive? He honestly made me believe that Chevy Chase could sing. Trickery…

No has cared about the Olympics since the Black Panthers won. Why is the world still pretending. I don’t want anyone else to ask me if I caught ___ cause ____ is boring. Bring back killing for sport and I just might watch in 2012.

I just ate a slice of pineapple that tasted like a Flea Market. Oh God. Oh Wolf.

Normally this would all be incoherent babble, but apparently some people are reading this and not skimming. For you guys I have a special phrase “Shut your eyes and open your mouth, here comes your chocolate mantasy”. Naturally, you’ll probably change the chocolate part (the only black comic I knew that read this was Mike Way, oh and Kojo) but the trick is to see how many times you can use that in a week. Yesterday I actually got to use the line “That smells like Chinese Democracy”, I was referring to the Guns N’ Roses album that has been schedule for over a decade. Nelson thought I was talking politics, and laughed at what democracy would smell like in China. Maybe when we’re old and gray we’ll find out.

Jimmy and Sean, I’m almost done with the Watchmen. I couldn’t read yesterday or it would’ve felt like a waste of my sick day. But I’m very anxious to know what parts you’re talking about Jimmy. $20 people, that’s all it takes to kiss Jesus… by buying the Watchmen.

“As you know, I don’t hang around the house much. This whole world of money making got me out of touch and shit I ain’t flashed a smile in a long while…” – 2Pac

Every time I heard that line in Until the End of Time I always thought back on the very last part. We see smiles all the time but how often are you smiling in life? Honestly, before this woman I’ve grown fond of, I can’t really remember what made me smile. Find something that makes you happy. You’re smile depends on it.

I think that’s quite enough for today, if you feel it was too short watch yesterday’s video. Then repeat, then get the dance moves right. Then call and see what I’m doing Saturday morning and if I can meet you to make a response video that would make our mothers cry. Yeah…

Laters

If you haven't seen this yet.... it's called "YES"

Be on the look out for a pair of bejewled ass-less chaps

So, Saturday brought out the wolf and his legions…. Oh, and Bernie Mac died. It’s a shame, I almost felt my eyes well up when reading the headline that he passed. But, such is life, it has to come to an end. He did a lot, I’m sure he’s not too upset it had to end at 50 instead of 73.

Hope we all enjoyed the weekend. Some of us get all in a tizzy about something that lasts an incredibly short time, but it’s over, if you still care today then I guess it really meant something. There’s always next year for those of you that want to give your submission fees up. For once though, I think I’ll pass, unless I’ve got the hook up through a friend. Cause then I’m right in there smilin’ like Arsenio Hall.

On Saturday night/Sunday morning before Jesus has woken up, I held the greatest love of my life in my arms while she died. I can remember when I first laid eyes on her, sitting there in Circuit City. Normally I wouldn’t bother with getting to know someone in a place like that but I came there looking for something to fill the void. I never suspected that we would grow so close. I feel naked without her around me. The sweet things she would whisper in my ear, the way she always knew just what I wanted to hear. Probably because I always told her what I like. She was as close to perfect as I think I’m gonna get. But, like any pimp would tell you “Keep yo heart young pimpin”. They’re right, so I just wanted to say my final “I love you” to my iPod, her name was “Devo’s $#!T”…. Jesus has my playlists now. Dance wit him baby….

I bought The Watchmen on Saturday, it’s just as people keep telling me that it is. Rorschach is too beastly for words.

For those of us at O’Shaunessy’s on Saturday night, “Not a bad show ol’ boys, not bad at all”. There was a crowd, women (single), booze and of course, a magician. Not a bad line-up considering what was going on across town that night. Olympics jokes, is there anything funny to be said about the Olympics? For making jokes in China people are laid on a jagged rock and jumped on. Not saying its right, just saying that it happens. Then the assailant jumps of a monument to his death (read the news, a couple was attacked… it’s pretty funny. To me… it’s pretty funny to me.)

Spy mutha-f*ckin’- Lounge tonight. Come for the women, leave with Eli. He’s not bad, his hands are danty and in the morning there’s a PB & J sandwich waiting for you. It’s not what you think, not peanut butter and jelly, peanut butter and janks.

When did “janks” go out of style? I love being a man, manly due to all the names we have for our “pud” (schlong, cabbage, wang, hamma, gobble, bad space, Mike Tyson). There is only one name that really rolls of the tongue (also translates well into Spanish) “p*ssy”, other than that… disgusting.

It’s 8:40, I’ve done nothing. Hell is constantly waiting for something great and having to stick to mundane tasks until it arrives. I’m waiting for the horsemen of the Apocalypse to come and sweep this land up with a broom made of fire and nightmares. Soon the sinners will have to pay, and I hope the wolf stands up and chooses me as his dark apprentice. Surely he’ll be able to see the evil glimmer in my eyes. I’ve been staring at the sun since childhood to get it just right. Just a preview of what I’m talking about: Me riding naked through a sea of the damned on a silver back gorilla. Replace my right hand with a broad sword (a la Terminator 2, the T1000) and put a Cheshire Cat grin on my face while I mow you suckas down… “Don’t you run sinners! Get all that you can handle! AAAHHHH!”

I probably dragged that one a sentence or two too far. It’s not pretty in my daydreams, but I promise you I’m always laughing.

“See you shiver with antici-… pation”- Tim Curry as Dr. Frankenfurter

Isaac Hayes died, and no one cares because we’re all still creeped out that he was a Scientologist. That religion reads like a f*cked graphic novel.

Quote of the weekend: “Hey Tyler (Sonnichsen), what’s the policy on hecklers? Cause I’m pretty sure my friend is going to heckle…” – Sean Paul Ellis a.k.a. The Man with More Friends than Casper (the friendly ghost… duh)

I have no facial hair for the first time in a while, I’m kind of sad about that cause it feels weird to feel my chin. I’m starting to believe that there may be a hint of something other than Black in my. The hair on my chin either fell straight down like I’m Asian or they napped up like my heritage would suggest they do. Like a make-shift Hobo beard…

I will never break up two little kids in a fight, cause it’s funny to me. I’ll never break up two adult males because that’s how people get stabbed. Two women in fight, I’m all over it, accidental grope. That’s Jesus candy to those of you who don’t read the Bible.

Been thinking about introducing myself “Hi, I’m Tyler Richardson and fat women love me!” but what about the women with acne? I’ve gotten reach out to a bigger demographic.

Funerals are a sad place to be, but maybe that’s because we keep Clowns at bay.

One day Nelson had a freestyle that ended with “you gon drink my slime!” Classiest I’ve ever seen the Asian. Top Shelf…

Where did ICP go?

Go to Ryan Conner’s blog and see the video he titled “What now, thank me later”. It’s so incredibly flamboyant it’s hard not to dance along to. Kevin, Nelson and I were all doing the Fork in the Garbage Disposal. “I have something for you, it’s Ecstasy. I think you could use it”. Just go see it.

One day I’ll put links or a blog roll up and make it easier to follow my references. Besides, which blogs am I reading…. Erin Jackson, Aparna, Justin C., Atif, DCC4N, Ryan, Jimmy, Eli. Speaking of which, Jermaine actually asked me if I was the Anony going back and forth with Rory on the DCC4N blog from last week. That’s kinda funny to me but also troubling. Anything I say I’ve thought pretty hard about and have no problem attaching my name. I also don’t really want beef so chose to say very little that’s questionable. But, I definitely understand why the Anonys need privacy. You mouth f*ck someone today, you never when they might come around to spit semen at you later. Gross analogy but I know you get what I’m saying.

9:07, still debating finishing the Watchmen…. Work done: None

One day I want to be dipped in Gold and preserved like The Allman Brothers.

Never give up show p*ssy for more p*ssy or you’ll end up with no p*ssy.

I’m going to go since my mind is wondering towards this magnificent book on my desk… The Watchmen.

Party on Wayne. Party on Garth. Laters.

I just took a turd so big I named it... Tyler Jr.

With the Olympics beginning tomorrow, I’ve begun festively celebrating in my own special way…. The running of the Chode. I’d tell you more but when the cops question you, I need for you to say “I don’t know what you’re talking about” and I need for it to be believable.

No one will have any clue what that last quip was about if they’ve never called someone a chode. Inside jokes are fun.

Unbeatable Banzuke is exactly what the name entails. A show about challenges that are clearly not meant for anyone to beat them. There is definitely something about watching people try to get further than the last guy though. Nelson and I saw something they called “Hand Walk 3”, the entire obstacle course is done on your hands. First they had you go up a pyramid of steps with gravel covering every step. Then you went up a series of rock (jagged, not even smooth stone). Once you made it up the hill, they put a step incline of plain ol’ carpet to get to the break area. After a quick break, you rode a pummel horse down to the next area where it came to a jolting stop (this is where the furthest guy dropped). From there I believe you went across a couple of bridges that swayed against you until you finally had to go up about 30 steps on what was basically a “f*ck me” looking pile. Needless to say…. The show was awesome.

Are we all aware that the DC Improv showcase is probably not coming back? If not, I didn’t want you to be the last one to know. Hopefully I wasn’t the last, I just found out last week.

I find it hilarious that when I introduce Nelson-a-vich-da-vidi-vich-ki to people, they already know who he his. It tickles him too. Next time I introduce him to someone I’d love it if they stabbed him. Stab him right in his Asian heart. Oh, that’s funny all right.

No woman no cry. Truer words were never spoken.

Nelson finds it pretty funny that my mother refers to thuggish black people as jiggaboos. For those unfamiliar (I probably spelled it wrong, but I’m phonetical that’s a racial slur for black people. My grandma and I were laughing about that the other night over lasagna, he was blown away. But, what do you expect, this is the same woman that pretty much refused to let me use slang. Can’t say I blame her. Wonder what kind of father I’ll be….

It’s almost time for new Dolce & Gabana… sadness.

Without purposely trying, I seemed to have lost some really close friends lately. Don’t know how, though it could have to do with the fact that I don’t call too many people. As for women, there’s only one that’s not family I seem to call regularly. Huh?

I heard a hilarious story about a man that called the police for a non-emergency. He purchased a sub at Subway and apparently did not get his sauce. He went to his car and discovered this outrage, then he came back. The people refused to give him a new Sub. I didn’t get any clarification on whether they would just open his sub and put some sauce down, but I’m assuming they also frowned on that. He said something to the effect of “I’m gonna go outside and relax before I beat the ever loving sweet crap out of every one of you” then when he stepped out…. They locked the door behind him. He waited after calling the cops and when they arrived he was pissed. The cops quickly realized that the robbery they were called for was not quite a police matter. They tried to tell him that, he broke it down pretty plainly for them back. “If someone reached their hand in my pocket and took my money I’m supposed to call you, but these people just robbed me of my money and you’re telling me I shouldn’t call you?!” Sadly, the man ended up in the back of the squat car for falsely making a 911 call. That story tickles me.

Gotta run, my Babygirl awaits….

Laters

I don't want wear that dress, I'm a BOY!

HELLLLLOOOO everyone. I realized I must be sweet on this woman, cause I caught myself smiling too much early this morning. Even she pointed out that normally I look tired in the morning but today I’m more alert than she is. But, much like the guy code states: “If you like someone, play it cool like she doesn’t matter. Only then will she yearn to llllick you like a lollipop.” So I wiped the smile off, pimp on….

I just ate a breakfast sandwich so greasy I feel like I could pass out. But whenever I lie down out side of my bed, gremlins will have sex with my face. Gross, but you gotta watch out for trickster gremlins with contracts when you’re young. All for a Klondike Bar, a forever lasting Klondike Bar.

Casey Affleck is officially the man. He was Oscar worthy in Gone Baby Gone, and “gave me the willies” in The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford. Who the f*ck is Ben Affleck?

Sleep is overrated…. So…. Don’t.

Odyssey sent me a message asking how I was doing. It took me a couple of days to reply but I texted him “I’m great, how are you man”. His response was “Mr. Richardson, I’m great. Thanks 4 asking n more importantly, thanks for letting me know how you’re doing. I’ll sleep better tonight.” I began to laugh hysterically at the thought of texting people out of the blue to let them know how you’re feeling. Kind of like the Myspace moods, but some people are still paying for texts so eventually you’re bound to piss someone off. I feel like there’s a joke in there…. Or at least a funny prank.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t listening. I was staring at that Asian woman’s rack, she’s got a tramp stamp. I’m pretty sure she and her boyfriend are a lot older than I think they are. Oh crap, I think I said that louder than I thought I did cause they’re looking right at me.” – Tyler Richardson at Blockbuster yesterday talking to Nelson.

Women like to be complimented, but not touched. That’s all, just wanted to send out a reminder for those that are in a bit of a drought. Atif.

That was wrong, his name is Atif Myers. I name drop all the way or not at all. No half assin’ it.

There is a big t!tt!ed woman that walks past my desk sometimes and works on my floor. They are HUGE, but I digress. I do not find her attractive, and not cause I’m gay or enamored with Babygirl. I think it’s because she always has on a head band. I don’t know if it’s cause her forehead is out of control. But, I finally realized why it’s so gross to my, it’s because it reminds me of a man masquerading as a woman at work. And they’re so big it’s almost not that crazy to think. They move like a water bed when she’s coming in your direction. Okay that’s enough I’m having too much fun describing them.

Pop Quiz:
Which of these fast food restaurants made me pee out of my @ss before I jumped into traffic this morning?
A) McDonald’s
B) Wendy’s
C) Subway
D) All of the above

The answer makes me chuckle, I’ll give it later. For all I know an attractive woman could read this and be turned off. If that’s the case, “I made it up”. Anyone who wants to guess, let me know…

I enjoy ruining a good Twinkie. Not mine, but someone who’s eating one. I walk up and start conversation where I liken the Twinkie to a penis. The kicker is generally when I call the cream in the middle “Salty Sweet”. You can thank a Filipino named Nelson for that little mantastic treat.

Praise be to the wolf… I have no idea how long I’ve been saying that but clearly I’m still tickled brown(can’t be pink, genetics) by it. It came from a friend that was driving with me near my old place. There was a waste place near by and mid-conversation about football (don’t have too many of those… I’m straight) a funk hit his nostrils. “Oh God, do you smell that $#!T?! Smells like hundred year old WOLF P*SSY!!” And that was where my love affair of all humor involving wolves comes from.

Maybe I’m just really immature, but whenever it’s “Creole Week” in the cafeteria downstairs I enjoy one dish. I like to walk up like I have no idea it’s there, even though I’ve checked our home page and looked at the menu for the day already. Like a child opening a Christmas present I ask “Oh, is that Chicken Fricassee?” someone will reply yes, then I scream “Fricassee Frikasa!” It’s stupid, I know, but I love it. I’ll do it until I can pass it along to my son. One day….

Looking at your money online is way more satisfying than going to an ATM and looking at it in your hands. I think it’s because online the entire gang is there. You’re just holding a bunch of swingers that drunk and kicked from the party at an ATM.

One day I’m going to blog about nothing but sports and bore the “everlovin’ sweet crap” out of you guys.

That’s all for now (insert racial slur)!

Laters

Tuesday, more like Poosday... I'm witty

So yesterday Nelson and I saddled up and went up to the Spy Lounge. Eli and I learned an important lesson from Nancy, which is “A sign brings in a crowd”. Who would have thought, something so simple means so much to people. But, when I think about it I guess I’m a slave to that logic as well. I won’t go into a strip joint that doesn’t have a woman with a fox tail as its mascot. That’s just how I roll. It was a good time, let us take a look back: Bryson, McBride, Adrian, Some n*gga named TRich, Byward, Travis Irvine, Jay Hastings, Seaton, Jake Young, Rebecca brought most of the crowd who stayed and laughed their @sses off and we cannot forget the lovable Will “date rape face” Hessler. Mucho gusto, bueno.

Nelson and I went by an old woman’s house when we were done at Spy Lounge. We burst right through the front door and while he made small talk I grabbed what alcohol I could find. Her dogs barked away while we started to heat up some food that was lying around. We ate so much lasagna, this morning I thought I wouldn’t make it through traffic. The old woman laughed and shared stories of times long ago. She offered Nelson so many plates of Lasagna I’m sure his morning was…. Delightful. The old woman was my Grams, the three of us drank and sang songs for 16 hours (God D*mn) kidding.

Yesterday I had to pee. Drinking on the way to Spy Lounge normally does that to me. The first thing I went for was the bathroom. When I opened the door I saw a familiar sight. It was the owner, taking a $#!T. Whenever you catch someone in that position they’re so defenseless it’s precious. He looked just like I looked when John McBride opened the door on me at the Laughing Lizard. It was priceless, his last words to me as Nelson and I split were “Bet you’ll knock next time!” I sure won’t, I sure won’t.

I feel pretty f*cking sexy lately, what’s that about?

Dear God, please heal Morgan Freeman A.S.A.P. without his arm how will he ever keep all of these young women in check? He’s become a symbol of our generation even though he’s easily 235 years old. How he keeps his pimp hand so strong is beyond me, but legend says he once pimp slapped a nun so hard he came. (How Awesome, yeah it’s gross, but how Awesome would that be?) They say he stopped a meteorite from destroying civilization as we know it, with his smile. He single-handedly stopped the Civil War with help from Denzel. Damnit, he watched Tim Robbins get gang raped in jail and composed himself enough to narrate for those not in attendance. Please, give us back our angel. Amen.

Dear Wolf, while God is busy healing Morgan Freeman could you age Dakota Fanning for. I don’t need her to be too old, just 22. I’ve got a good feeling about this one. Did you see War of the Worlds? You know what I’m talkin’ bout. Praise be to the wolf.

Am I the only person yet to laugh at a Pineapple Express trailer. It doesn’t look funny, and people are comparing it to Half Baked and other classics. Dazzle me. (with that said I should also say that I had no interest in the 40-Year-Old-Virgin, Knocked Up and other Judd Apatow movies that I went on to see and love like everyone else)

Does John McCain look like Glen Quagmire to ANYONE else?! I can’t be the only one who sees this. His jaw makes him look like a Rock’em Sock’em Robot.

A really buff IT guy shook my hand earlier and said “Looking good today man”. As he said that he was crushing my hand. I think he just shook a year or two of my life away. Can’t be sure though, better consult the Wolf.

The Iraqi woman behind me and I had a moment earlier. I stopped working to turn around and look at a woman. She stopped working because she’s suspicious looking and turned to look at me. Perfect timing our eyes locked and then we squinted, and not in a friendly way. Then we slowly turned back and continued what we were doing. One day we’ll lock swords…

Now that gas is returning to a better place, I guess it’s safe to let this little girl go. Her family didn’t seem like they were going to pay…. What?! I’m on a very fixed income and it was $4+ a gallon. That’s madness!

Okay, I think we’ve delved into madness (my mind) long enough today. Let’s do this manana (say it Spanish)… shall we?

Laters

Anals of time

Hope we all had a great weekend. I helped some family, met with Babygirl, saw REALLY old friends, kissed (metaphorically) Kevin goodbye for a week while he goes to Florida with a girlfriend that NO ONE likes, drew sympathy from Eli, slept with a big grin on my face…. Oh yeah, and I finally saw Harold and Kumar: Escape from Guantanamo Bay (the only way to see it is with your girlfriend Mary J.)

It kind of made me think of some embarrassing moments that I’ve picked up over the last 25 years… oh God I’m old. So for this particularly $#!TTY MON-day, I’m gonna take a trip down memory lane. The numbers next to the memories are not order, instead they represent how embarrassing this was for me on a scale of 1-10. Here we go:

9.4) Having to wake my then girlfriend up and explain that I drank too much and wet the bed we share. And she was in some of the spot.

7) Asking how much a bag cost at a Louis Vuitton store, only to have the clerk say “Well you know what they say, if you have to ask… you can’t afford it”. Everyone in the store laughed at my expense. I left the store after entertaining them for free. And, I could afford it, I’m just cheap.

5) When standing at the movies trying to decide what to see, I said it was too crowded in side let’s decide outside. I spun around to open the door and slammed full speed into the glass behind me. Everyone seemed to see it and start to laugh. As we killed time waiting for our movie people recognized me and propped me on how funny it was. More than an hour later…

10) While doing the dishes on summer, my mother posed an interesting question “Guess what your sister said to me in the grocery store the other day?” I didn’t know but it was rhetorical “She said, Mommy, why were Deaven and _____ having $3X in your bed?” I will not go into further detail but let’s just say it was one of those moments where I wanted to crawl out of my skin and watch the convo from somewhere else.

4) I kept getting erections one day but really needed to get up and get a soda. Something about going commando in a nice pair of slacks. While walking to the machine and older black guy is clearly looking right at the goods. He was just shaking his head “no” the whole walk towards me in passing. I still see him and hope he can’t remember, I’d be more embarrassed if I weren’t so blessed.

9) About a month and a half ago my supervisor pulled me aside to question a note to my friend who had just been promoted. “It was f*cked up that you left me down here, but you can make it up by introducing me to all those fine women up there” even the star in f*cked was there. I was sweating because I was pretty sure I was fired, and because it was an awkward conversation.

7) One day, years ago, I told me Momula that I’d $#!T in the trash can earlier in the week when I was home sick. I figured since I hadn’t just done it there was no need to be mad. And I think I tried to reason “Well, I was sick and it was just a stream…” She did not see the humor as I did. I was in a lot of trouble.

5) In first grade, a little girl told me that she had a crush on me in the beginning of school. I was so excited cause I like her too. I asked her to be my girlfriend. She informed me that she “used” to like me, now was not then. The first rejection I can remember, and even then my mind was working. “Why did you tell me that if you don’t like me anymore? To f*ck with me?”

4) The first time I saw Babygirl I was walking to my desk and she was moving toward my direction. I figured she was trying to get past so I began to shimmy out of her way. She wasn’t going that far, but I was so blinded that I just kept shimmying and fell into an empty cubicle. I don’t really know if she noticed, or if she saw and knew why I fell. I’ll ask someday.

9) While working at a dealership, years ago, I made the WORST first impression ever. Saturday morning and everyone is eating breakfast. It’s my first real day there. A woman says something to me but I can’t really understand her at all. She was really old looking, like 60 something, but I swore I heard her say something about penis. After giving it a little bit of thought, I decide to ask in front of everyone. “I’m sorry did you say PENIS?!” The room went deaf. No one said anything for about two minutes. Then the guy next to me asks his friend on the other side of him “Did anyone just hear that?” his friend says “Oh, I heard it, I’m just trying to pretend I didn’t”. Everyone picked up their food and left me alone in the room to fester. Awkward.

10) Crying like a baby, only to have my ex walk in and ask what’s wrong. “The Notebook, this movie is so sad!” That was all the reason I needed. But I still felt like a b*tch.

9) This just happened to me and made me feel pretty small. I was chasing my friend Stephanie down because she threw her trash at me. She does this everyday. When I caught up and began to say something she pulled her phone out and started sending a text with her phone about an inch away from my face. I was blown away by how rude that was and ran away so no one saw that happen to me. I’m better than that dang it.

Alright, I’m getting in my “eat lunch” mood so… peace. And much love to you. Laters.