And Tuesdays make everything feel like Friday...

Well here we are in another typical Tuesday. For some reason today was the day that people are reading my blog so I decided to give them something fresh to remember me by. *Also stay tuned this week, cause I'm doing my own version of a war on drugs that will hopefully make you laugh. The video should be ready as of tomorrow but no later than Thursday.* I'm looking forward to going to Richmond tomorrow. I have a lot of friends down there and since I went to VCU I know the campus very well. Little Caesars here I come! I've missed them.
Well, I heard that Rascals is dead. That was just for anyone who hadn't heard. Moving on...

I've been thinking to myself about what would make my comedy better. Can't reach perfection until you see what your doing wrong. One thing that I don't have down at all is what I'm going to call "the mentality of a performer". Stay with me if you will. So, in my mind, I think that when a performer thinks about going onstage it's different than when a normal person does. The performer thinks of themselves as one, thus they don't even have to think of their material cause it's embedded into their system. A person who is performing( like myself ) might have to think about what comes next. Not only that, but I think that when I'm in that zone I'll no longer see myself as a person doing stand-up, but as a comedian. There is a difference; at least to me there is a difference in saying that I "do" stand-up comedy, and I "AM" a stand-up comedian. Not so much a status thing, it's more of a mentality. And since I'm in no rush to achieve greatness, when I call myself a comedian it will be a marker that I set for myself and crossed. Yes, anyone who gets on a stage is a comedian cause they entertained with laughter.(we are assuming the world is perfect and that same person got up and killed) But, for me, being a comedian will come when I feel like I'm always putting forth the best set(no matter how long) I can. No use in being a comedian, if I'm not going to be known as a funny one. I think you'd all agree. So here's to rockin' people's socks off!
Emergence Day is coming. November 12th. Gears of War. If you don't know what that means, then google it.
I'm interested to see what this open mic at the Richmond FunnyBone will be like. I was there when that FunnyBone first got built cause I went to school there. It seemed like a cool open mic, but that was like two years ago and we all know how things can change. Let's just hope they give me a chance. I've been off stage for like 4 days and it feels like I haven't performed in a month. But, oh. Oh, D.C. comedy scene. When I come back I will have genitals dipped in gold... or at least a refreshed attitude that will hopefully help me enjoy myself to the fullest when I hop up onstage. I had sex last week in case I did not mention. That's just a fun little fact.
It's a shame that Rascals closed down, cause I would have liked to Rocky 2 that place. Movie buffs will understand. Even though I was more like Tommy Gunn than Rocky Balboa. But F*ck it, even Tommy Gunn deserves a rematch. IN HELL! Cause he's got AIDS(don't worry about that being too soon, cause he's had AIDS for a while now:) Well, I guess I'll be going and I will write back when I have more juice tomorrow. Peace and love people, and live it up tonight. Halloween only comes once a year. So, take it your bedroom and butt f*ck this holiday like you won't see it again for another year. Remember last time you saw it... you don't.

A New Day

Well today is a lot more peaceful and happy day then yesterday. I got over the bitterness of what happened shortly after getting that last blog out of my system and moved on. I wrote a lot last night and it continued into the morning. I'm very excited to share it with everyone....Eventually.
When I think about writing I sometimes battle with originality. Not that I can't think of something original, but that I try so hard to talk about something different that I miss the basics. I would like to be able to tell a story that flows like when the greats do. In my mind I don't think that fame is the reason that people can tell a story and get non-stop laughter. There is proof of it all around this DC/VA/MD scene of comedy. Sometimes you have to touch on a similar topics and if you never allow people to see that you actually live, then your missed something. I see that now and am trying to steer my newer bits in that direction. And then there's the subject of who, exactly, I am. My mother told me that she didn't see any of me in my performance at Rascals. She might be right. We all have routines that we believe help us to succeed. Whether they work or don't, or are illegal, they are what we do to feel confident enough to perform at our top level. I strayed from a lot of things and when my mindset was different so was my delivery. I didn't have one sip of beer(little significance), left my lucky black hat at home(cause Nelson wanted me to match and wear a brown version)(and yes, I have more than one version of the hat at my disposal, I like the Black ONE), and most importantly, I had no weed(huge difference in my chi). I am not proud of these but they are what I do. They are what puts me at ease and hopefully we all have something very similar. Like a lucky pair of draws that are now just a string that goes from the taint almost all the way to your right testicle. You know?.... moving on. I now feel like rather than relying on better improv skills, I'm trying to blend improv and actually writing my material in my natural voice. We'll see. Well, that's all for today and I'm sure that Saw 3 will rock when I see that tonight. Sunday I'm trying to get on Comedy Spots stage to test this mutha out. I gotta make a good tape at something soon. Otherwise, I might have to find out I didn't get in to the DC ComedyFest again this year. And, while I have a video of the Factory, I want something more recent that I feel really sums up my act to date. Later everybody....

Terror in Baltimore?!

Well, last night I went to the Rascals showcase. It was quite the experience for me. I can't say that I enjoyed it and let me go into detail as to why. I hope that I haven't forgotten anything cause it was such a "Piece-o-SHIT" that I don't want to mess this story up. As you can see I took it a little personally.
I got there and immediately noticed that I didn't know anyone there. With the exception of Mark Burnette and Jon Mumma who was hosting. I was like "who the fuck are these people and where do they come from. It's almost like there are 300 "comedians" who come out of the woodwork whenever something is going on in Baltimore. There are actual comedians but a lot of these people clearly have done comedy like 3 times in the last 4 years and are still calling themselves comedians. It's not fair to the people that are out there at the open mics honing their skill to drop bombs. So.... back to me and the other 20 generic Def Jam wannabe comics. Don't get me wrong, there were a few that I saw that I like but I'm too bitter to dwell on their skill right now. The audience was mostly black but the problem was that they are the type of audience that has always intimidated me and I always fear what might happen if I got on Comicview cause of these people.
I went up to the stage with confidence since that last couple of weeks I've done alright for myself. Did not matter. The second that I opened my mouth these people didn't like me. They actually heckled me. A lot. I have a tape but I did not put it online cause it wouldn't help anything and it would just piss me off the more that people watched it. Might be the only thing people that actually gets viewed on my site though. My mother was there(not that I wanted her to be, but it was a shitty bringer show) and had to watch these inconsiderate fucks that actually came with comedians berate me. I wanted to ask what comedian brought these hecklers but was too enraged. I give myself 5 stars for professionalism though. I did my time and dealt with them a couple of times, but kept my cool and moved on. Their behavior was so unacceptable that I can't even find the words for it. The crowd wasn't interested in what kind of joke writing I might have brought to them. As even Mumma said, they just like masturbation jokes and the dirtier the better. And, they want slang. They got neither from me, but the thing that kills me it that it was not a competition. If they didn't like me then they could have shut the fuck up but instead they turned the whole night ugly for one young black comic.
So, then they boo and cheered when I said that I was getting off for the icing on the cake. So, of course there's no handshake from Mumma on my way to the seat that I had in the back. One audience member decides to be a rebel(and yes, he was white) and tell me that he loved my jokes and tried to make me feel better. Luckily, he was seated pretty close to my mom so she might have heard that the whole crowd wasn't a victim of the dreaded G.E.D. A comedian that I did not know gave me the typical "good set" but at this point I was in no mood for making nice with anyone. My mother left and checked to make sure that I was okay. That hurt only cause she had to witness that, not cause I bombed. I was so embarrassed for her. I pray that she doesn't have to see me perform again for a long time. So, that was my experience, and I didn't have any weed that whole time. As you can imagine I was extra pissed simply cause I was sober for the whole thing. My mistake though. So now I feel friendless and alone but you know what.... I don't care. Can someone make it in comedy without making a single friend? I really don't know but I imagine that it would be hard. To do that you would have to be undeniably funny and I'm trying hard to work at that. Making forced friends isn't me and to be honest, I'm an asshole. I'm sure I'll feel better when I've performed in Richmond over the next week. Tuesday- Open Mic at the Richmond Funnybone(why not right?), and Nov.5- rippin' the 9:55 club to fuckin' shreds. Laters people...

And when the room was silent enough... I farted.

Hello to the three or four of you bored comics that decide to read bloggings of your peers to pass your time. Last night I set out to write some comedy then perform at the Comedy Spot. Both weren't that hard a mission to accomplish, but I treated them with respect anyway. I wrote with Jermaine Fowler and it actually went pretty well. I got some good bits written down since I had to wait 45 minutes before Jermaine graced me with his presence. He was on C.P.T but I still love him anyway. He's one of the funnier new people that I've come across and I hope that others will agree if they get the chance to see him perform. My set last night was, as usual, riddled with new things for everyone to point and laugh at. They did... a little. I give it a 7.5. There was definitely room for improvement but the crowd was thin and the audience that was there was cool but it's hard for 5 people to make someone feel like they've killed. But, if you did kill in a room full of 5, you either are the man, or your lying to yourself. I try my best to honest with myself, otherwise I'd be impossible to live with. With ego comes muscle, and a witch told me that one day, if I allow my ego to get too big, that I would destroy the world with my hulk like strength. I don't want to kill people, my modesty is the only thing keeping this society together. Modesty, and the Loch Ness Monster. But no one must ever know of Nessy's good deeds. Last night I had Coldstone Creamery Ice Cream for the first time. Like when I first penetrated, I'm sure that I'll never forget that moment. I knew that I was in for a good thing when she asked me if I wanted my three scoops to be mixed. I was like sure, and she went to work like she was making a pizza. I could tell that they put love in their ice cream and that would be the difference. Unfortunately, I may be lactose intolerant. At least that's what the car ride home lead me to believe. I couldn't wait to share my "new cologne"(fart joke) with my roommate when I got home and luckily there was still a couple of sprays left when I walked in the door. He was pleased, and disgusted. Jerry Thomas and I have started a merger and it could be deadly. The NEW Ebony and Ivory. But he's dressing up in black face and I'm gonna put powder all over myself and that's how we'll rock the house. It may never happen, but if it does, look out for a hate crime. Aparna was lovely enough to host last night. Patricia Berrigher must have been sick because she and Jimmy are the only ones I've seen host there. But Aparna is the woMAN, and dance that microphones clothes right off. And we all got to watch. Plus, she called me her friend when intro-ing me. We all do, but I always knew that deep down, way under that act of being too cool, and quips, she likes me too. I was planning on going to Soho but looks like I'll be passing on that one tonight. By the way, tomorrow night, check out Ned Devine's. I dug it so much last week that I just might have to come back and check out the show tomorrow. Wednesday is the dreaded bringer showcase at Rascals. I'm trying to be positive and just focus on rockin' the mic. Little hard though, considering I'm probably wasting time. We'll see I guess. Laters.....

By the way, we're at Blog #103 now!

I forgot to celebrate a little while ago so better late than never. Love it. Well, today is the day that I go out. I'm very paranoid just cause I know what type of situation that this is gonna turn out to be. Right off the bat yesterday I found out that I'm the only guy from work going to this thing. I like how everyone acts like you should have known they weren't gonna go when you ask them about it. "You going tomorrow?" "Nah, why?....oh, your going?" And that is where we pick up. I know that since I don't know anyone I'm gonna be quiet and something will go horribly wrong. Like I won't be able to get to my car when I'm ready to leave. Or I lose something or get in trouble. That's just my luck people. I did not get the chance to go to Topaz last night. No time for me. That's cool though. I'll just have to bum-rush a stage and take that bitch hostage. Don't know when, and definitely don't know where. But I will. I love to make sentences that are only like 3 words long, in case no one noticed. I know that I do that and wanted others to know that it's on purpose. I'm not retarded. There it is again. Three word sentences are blunt and very to the point. Redundant. I'm really enjoying this new Dolce and Gabbana cologne that I bought. It's about as close to the real AXE effect as your gonna get. Men, that was a tip for you. Buy it....NOW. Fridays Fridays Fridays, I'm actually turning into quite a big fan of Mondays. For no apparent reason. I feel a little less respect for myself for doing another Bringer show. No legitimate person is doing them. But, if this is the road of shame I must hike to get someone to notice me, then damnit, I better smear honey on my body so they never forget seeing the guy who got eaten by a bear when he walked the road of shame to get someone to notice him. Whew.... the last sentence was an exercise. Breathe, Breathe, Breathe. I think that might have spent me so let me go live a little bit, and on Monday all 3 of us can catch up on what the other people are doing. See you two readers later.... and hey, thanks for stopping bye ;)
LATERS..........

Sadness

For fun I was just visiting people myspace pages and leaving comments and messages. I don't normally do this, but today I remembered how glad I feel whenever see that I have a message or a comment. I like friend requests too but that's not the point of the story. So once all my messages had been delivered I looked at my top 12( now it's 8). I decided it was time to refresh that and keep stuff current. I found that with the exception of my two ace "Homies", no one had me in theirs. In the most immature of ways this can hurt your feelings. It feels incredibly stupid but it's the truth. So what can you do other than take them off yours and replace them or continue to be pathetic. So I took em' off. But since they took you off theirs, that means they will never know they weren't on your top list anymore, cause they didn't like you in the first place. It's a vicious circle. I have some serious issues with making one true friend in comedy. Everything feels so forced that even if I wanted to hang out with someone, it would be awkward and so I stand alone. "God please, send me just one comic, who I can have as a friend. Let HIM be funny, almost exactly like me, but with a different approach onstage. And let him be well liked so that all the cool kids will shit themselves when they realize what a good thing they missed." Okay now that I've dealt with that like a 3-year-old I can move on. I still mean it though God. I still mean it.

And the chicken left behind was stew....

Just seemed like a creepy title, if you think about it, it's kind of sad. But that's life. Yesterday I did nothing as usual. But tonight, it should be good fun at the Topaz. Drinks, smokeys, women(maybe 2), comics, it's gonna be a ball.
Tomorrow night it's off on an adventure. I really don't get out much and honestly don't have much interest in clubbing, strip clubs, or bars. Unless there's some comedy going down inside. Strip club comedy has got to pick up more of a fan base. So anyway.... Tomorrow I'm going out with several people to limo ride around and visit club after club. Never done it before but now that I have no girlfriend, I lost the good excuse that came along with her. I used to just tell people that I was doing something with her, which was generally the truth. After a while you get used to saying no. Not that she was controlling, I just like to sit at home. But now whenever someone asks, I realize that I have no reason to say no. So I'm definitely getting out a lot more lately. I'm really just happy to be getting out and on stage a lot more lately. The last week has been good and full of performances. And I guess that's the way that it should be. I felt alive getting up that much in a week. And that's what I've read is average for a comic starting out. I had a few good, and I definitely bombed like Hiroshima at Topaz last week. But, I'm trying to make that right as I continue on my quest of chuckles. I have to say that I think the goal of finding my true voice onstage is not far off. I felt probably the most comfortable I ever had talking on Tuesday at Ned Devine's. Just felt right. Now I just have to capture that on a completely separate occasion to make sure I can control this beast. What good is having a fucking Comanche' Tiger( a.k.a. skills on the mic) if you can't get that bitch to rip somebody's arm off at will. Gotta go, but from now on when I get onstage and scream "Get that bitch Sheeba" you'll know what I mean. Laters......

Ned and I had a good ol' time...

Well, last night went well. I took a ride over to Ned Devine's where it was a cool atmosphere. I walked in and this is the list of cool ass folks that I me:(in order of appearance to me) Marshall Henry, Sean Gabbert, Jay Hastings, Jared Stern, Jessica Paquin, Erin Jackson, Kojo Mante, Norm Wilkerson, Hampton Yount, and the one the only Rob Maher. It was cool. The crowd at most was like 20 or so but it looks a lot smaller cause the place was actually a really good size. When words gets round' and people fill that place it's going to be a really hot place to perform. I dug it and tried to take advantage of the enormous space that was laid in front of me. I'll give my performance a 8, why not...8.5. I had fun and I got laughter in the places that I wanted it for the most part. Doesn't matter how big they are, just that they laughed. It was great to see a lot of those guys perform since most of them had completely new stuff since I heard them last. I dug it. Drank a lot and tipped my waitress huge cause it was a good night and the Miller Lites always tasted as they should. Like Miller Lite. After the long drive home I decided to go pig out on Wendy's. Always feels good when a single person can spend $15 at Wendy's without trying. It's all in the right combinations. You should see how creative I can get at Burger King. I hate their fries and so I always have to go around them. Where you might get a meal, I get 3x 4 Piece Chicken Tenders and a Whopper with cheese, no onion, add bacon, large with a Chocolate Shake instead of a soda. That can get expensive. Especially when you toss in some Rodeo burgers just for fun. I smoke a lot, what can I say. Other than going to the Rascals BRINGER next week, I don't think I have a lot going on til' November. So now is the time to hit up the open mics. I'm really liking a lot of the new people I've met since diving back into this swimming pool we call DC Comedy. And for the record, I say that as comics we let respect knuckles take over where we once used to shake hands. Forget about how corny it can look and think on the 5 second too long struggles that you've mustered into a hand shake. Just think about it is all I'm saying. Talk to you guys tomorrow. And Aparna, since you wanted your time, I hope you appreciate this. "I saw Aparna at a store the other day while I was just driving around the tri-state area. She left a DSW and went behind a apartment building. I saw her conversate with a couple of males that would catch any security guards attention. Once they had exchanged DAP and Aparna turned to walk away, she turned back around and I saw her shot both of them several times. She stood over the bodies and reloaded yelling expletives and emptying out the clip. She spent the rest of that evening taking the pieces I saw her chop up, out to a lake in Waldorf, MD. The moral of this story is that what I saw that night gave me just a small glimpse of what this woman is capable of. Stay on her good side folks cause Aparna is no woman to be crossed. She is PURE EVIL! Fear her.
P.S.- She knows I love her.
Laters............

A Stranger from out of town....

So last night I went to Soho to do a little time. It was good and there wasn't huge audience so it was intimate. You have to admire how I worded that last sentence, I could have just said that there was a small crowd. It started okay and since I was third I got to soak up a few of the chuckles that were on their way home when others took to the stage. I give myself a 7 but there's a lot of bias behind that vote. I could be wrong. Maybe. Let me jump on Andy Haynes nuts for a second. He had a set last night that I enjoyed but there was one bit in peticular that I can't shake. His bit talks about the expressions "The shits about to hit the fan" and "I hate to beat a dead horse". I wrestled with trying to quote him in this blog to let everyone know, but ultimately I think it would only be done justice if you heard it whenever you run into him. I dig it, and I was saying it to myself during my mid-day smoking/go over set that I plan to do tonight break. I'm incredibly jealous and wish that I had thought of the joke. Right on to Andy.
Now about that stranger that I alluded to in the title. I happened to meet a comic from Detroit last night. He was there on a vacation/scope out the scene visit to D.C. He was cool and if he's reading, "What's up." But he criticized our scene and took some things away that bothered me. He had a pretty bad set and there wasn't a lot of audience there. He got upset when the comics weren't laughing and assumed that our cliqu-iness(boy I hope that's a word) was responsible for his laughter. Now while there is some problem with the grouping I think that he blew it out of proportion. He basically belittled our scene but out of respect and the fact that I'm non-confrontational, I played it down. It was interesting, that's really all I can say I guess but I'm under the assumption that if I went to another town I would be the most modest and complimentary person you'd ever seen. Just so that when I left people wouldn't have anything remotely bad to say. I think I speak for anyone that shared more than a moment with him when I say that if he was a guest in my home and he behaved that way, I would stab him. But my home is a little more personal than an open mic. I'm just saying he was a little rude.
Well tonight I'm going to Ned Devine's and hopefully I will rock that mutha. Coming off a good performance can't bring me anything but good juju. We'll do this thing tomorrow and who knows..... Something could happen.

2 more blogs til' we have something to celebrate...

Well if you guessed that we have two more blogs til' the magical 100th blog that will help usher in a new age of visual excitement. I have recently discovered a new formula for a sentence that will literally make you smell chalk. *Read this sentence aloud* "I accept Satan(Thank you Steve Drumm for correcting me cause I had Satin posted there for about a day or so), and all that he is responsible for. Hail Him!" Okay, that was stupid; I already knew it would be but what the F*ck right?
Tonight on the menu, there will be a feast at Soho. A performance is due and they shall have it. I was talking to a friend the other day and he told me that I write the exact same way that I talk. I was pleased to hear that(I guess) until he made a comparison. He told me that if his sister wanted to, she could write some very intelligent "400 year old woman". Those were his words. And while I knew what he meant, now I could only assume that I don't talk or write very intelligent otherwise wouldn't he have made that statement about me. It's hard having the world revolve around you but if you take the time, eventually there will be flying cars. At least there would be if the world revolved around me. I took that comment a little weirdly though cause I still don't think I do a great job of letting people hear me. I feel like people might think I'm out to shock or gross, when that is effortless and completely opposite of what I'm really trying to do. So I'm taking my time and trying to find my voice. By the way, it takes me like 15 min. (sometimes) to write this and people are really reading it in about 35 seconds. That seems incredible to me. Okay so maybe it's like 5 to 10 minutes but still. I gotta be going but remember..... nope, nothing.

"Some of the best sex I've ever had was by surprise...."

Need I say more...Rape is funny to me. Moving on I guess. Yesterday I got down on some of my XBOX360 for a little before I went to bed. A guy started talking to me while I was playing billiards online. I didn't really have much to say to him cause he was a stranger. (Thanks for that lesson Mom)So I tried to stop talking to him and squeeze in a game of Madden before nighty night. What do you know, now he friend requests me. So I say yes. Then he invites me to a private conversation where, you guessed it, he also owns Madden 07. Great. I got stuck talking to a stranger, and more importantly, getting the crap kicked out of the Washington Redskins by the Chicago Bears. He also had quite and extensive knowledge of anything football. Which for anyone that knows almost nothing, can be a conversation killer. That's like when I start rambling out WWE wrestling, and you can see the person your talking to is looking around the room for something to jump chest first into. It's awkward is what I'm saying.
Tonight I will be hosting at Topaz so we'll see how that goes. I'm looking forward to it, mostly cause it's one of those occasions that I get to grab a mic and jump on a stage. But also cause being the host will allow me to go off page and just work the crizzy a little bit. That slang in the last sentence was for the word crowd. Now you all see why I make a horrible thug. Threatening phrases lose something when they have to be translated. Or maybe... maybe I just shouldn't explain it and then they'll be frightened cause I'm a gang member who's practically speaking Spanish while robbing them. I'll have to do some field work on that and get back to you when I have firm results...
This is a little short so let me see if I can muster up enough magic to bring this bitch on home. (Cough) (Cough) "If I had gills, I think it would be cool to hide in swimming pools and wait for someone to pee in the water. Right when I smelled, tasted, or felt the warmth of the urine I'd sneak up behind them. Before they were done I would take my thumb and try as hard as I could to shove it in their butt. It would be cool cause I'd never have to come up for air." That's the best thing that I could muster, tomorrow is a whole new bitch. But for today, let's treat this one with respect.

Call me happy...

Well yesterday was a bit of a weird day. But I'm happy to report that almost a year after some people experienced what I've called "Heaven", I have finally joined them. I'm not dead.... but I did take ownership of an XBOX 360 yesterday. Oh, the great feeling that you get when your killing zombies(Dead Rising) to the soundtrack of T.I. and Coldplay. People, I just can't shake this feeling of bliss. As you can imagine, this has made coming to work today very hard for yours truly. Well, I suppose that I should attempt to talk comedy for a minute.
Things will hopefully go smoothly as I go up at Topaz tomorrow. My new stuff has been going, pretty much, exactly as I would have hoped. And, I think that I'm getting better at not using my material like a script. Gotta be off the cuff sometimes. And, I'm finally going to get on stage what I would consider a decent amount of times, this week. It's been a while since I got to do Soho, so I look forward to Monday for that, and hopefully I'll get to hit Topaz, Comedy Spot, Ned Devine's, and some unknown Wednesday night open mic. Going back to what I was semi-bitchin' about in what I believe was the last blog...
I'm at the one year mark now and it's a little hard to judge where I should be right now. Many people that are where I would love to be say that the first year or TWO are just for making sure that your material is solid and most of all "as YOU, and as FUNNY as you can be!" But then, of course, everybody wants to get work and be in front of the real crowds that pay and give the big laughs for stuff you think is alright. Maybe that's the thickheadedness of all new-ish comedians. I certainly hope it is. People that are not part of THE ELITE, let me be a familiar voice of hope and realism. Yes, there are people that are(certainly for the moment) blessed and are either ridiculously talented and that got notice right away, or that got their foot in the gold plated door while you shoved yours in the door to the crackhouse. It's okay. I look at the Elite and see a goal. Not to belong, but to get as much out of this scene as possible. We all want to work the Improv and hopefully more of us will then we think. As long as there are weekends they might need someone to host...right? Then there are the comedians that are not in the elite but are still handling their business. Marshall Henry and Jimmy Meritt are the first two that come to mind. And this is a personal thing of mine....
I am not into bashing someone nor am I into hearing someone be overly critical of themselves. (As far as comedy goes) There has to be some level of confidence to this artform. No one wants to come out and call themselves the second coming of Sam Kinison, but realize that there is nothing modest or shy about getting on a stage and believing that you can make a room full of strangers laugh. I would like for anyone that's read this to do something for me: If you think you did well or killed after a set, paid or open mic(if you really think you've done some damage), walk past me and as you do...
1) Give up the respect knuckles. Cause all this handshaking is confusing and takes forever. I can throw out some respect knuckles with the quickness though. WORD.
2) Lean in and whisper "If your going up there tonight I can call an ambulance." I would be tickled and I think a little arrogance is missing around this fine corridor of the mid-Atlantic. Don't be afraid to get a little cocky and let your ass show a bit. We're supposed to be having fun right? Let's have some...Later.

Rock this Mutha!

So I'm going to take the arrogant road and say that I had my first victory at the Laughing Lizard. Not like I killed but I was pleased with the reception that I got and a little proud of my new stuff. Previously I gave myself a 1-2 and now I have withdrawn that victory. So the score was 0-3 and now I'm 1-3. Thems odds that I don't be needin'. But I will accept that number for now and watch it change as time goes by. For those that were there on Sat. night, I think it was a good show and the performances seemed to flow and go over pretty well. Yeah the crowd was a little mute but damnit they came, they came. As usual I was told that I was a little soft on the mic. I realize that this is a problem for me, but for some reason I've always gotten comfortable and just started talking like I'm having a conversation. I will fix this problem soon though, just have to keep telling myself to speak up. That'll work.
What would a good blog be without someone stepping on a soapbox for a second. If you are a comedian and you feel the urge to talk about other comedians, you should do it in a place of solitude. Several occasions arose that I've seen this in public and it makes the vibe a little awkward. I don't judge those who judge but it's weird to hear that and try to pick the conversation up with a "so....where the babes at?" That's all I'm saying. And it really makes the insecure boy inside me wonder if people dog me the same way. The man in me says yes, cause that's what people do, we all do it. But, I've accepted that and what can I say...I guess til' someone brings something to your face then you shouldn't let it bother you. So let's not. Let's all share this friendship balloon and ride that bitch like a fat girl that you don't respect. HARD and violent.
I did talk to the two young groupies that were there last week and yet again, I regretted that. Very nice girls but I mainly dealt with the blonde one with the face of a 15 year old. I did not go over there with the intention of hittin' on her. I went over cause she thought I might be able to help her find hash. I couldn't and once I explained that we made meaningless conversation for the next (I don't know but it felt like 45 minutes). Strangers have the weird tendency to spill their horrible stories with people, why? I don't know. But I get it a lot so I'm assuming that other people do. Cause I know that it can't be that I just have one of those faces. Most of the time I have the same expression on my face just so that I can throw people off when I don't care. But when I tell you that this girl lived a drama-action-feel good comedy of the year type life, believe it. Unless she just lies to be cool, this girl was a little messed up and hasn't said no to very much. Very much of anything. Then I made a break out cause my dog was cold and alone waiting for his general to get home. Well, tonight I'm taking it easy and tomorrow it's off to Sterling to check out Rob Maher's new open mic. I'll just be watching for all the other people just there for support. But next week, I'm up in the that bizzy. Later ya'll...

Concentrate

It's a new song b Xzibit and I kinda dig it. Just wanted to throw that out there. For those of us that are hooked on video games, you should know that I will be buying my XBOX 360 within the next week and to watch your backs when your online. My warning is not that of arrogance, but a warning of mercy. You've been warned. I'm excited about the Laughing Lizard tomorrow cause I know I'm getting on and I can't wait to grip that iron dic once more. Yes, I spelled that wrong on purpose. Simpleton. Kidding. Getting back to the subject, I notice that there are some that have been reading this, to you I say, "thanks". When I looked and saw that I got bumped down the list, I have to admit that it hurt the old pride for a second. I can't control the ego, all I can do is live with it and pray that it spares peoples lives. It's a monster,and that was a pretty fierce kick to it's groin. I liked that blog yesterday. I see that I'm the only one, but it tickled me and when I read it aloud I began to like it more. I hope a least someone else felt that way.
Last night I decided to stay at home and have some needed me time. It was good and I watched Lucky Number Slevin for the umpteenth time. I never get tired of a good Kansas City Shuffle. If you don't know what I'm talking about then you need to go watch this movie so you can begin to live. Live in our world. The strawberry yogurt is free in our world and we need your help eating all of it. Doesn't that sound good? Go rent or buy the movie then.
I think that a video blog would do some good so that's exactly what I'm supplying for Monday's entry. Perhaps more of my humor would go high-fived if you could see me saying this, as opposed to possibly offending. I'm looking forward to it and now, maybe you are too. See you in Alexandria if your there. And with all the names on the list, you probably will be. LATERS........

If a smile could kill...

If smiles could kill I'd let my joy rain down on everyone.
I would walk down the street and keep my hard face on, until I saw a pretty person
Then let my happiness peel the skin from their very face.
Ah, what a magical day that would be.
If smiles could kill I'd smile for two,
But when mine starts killing, I'm smiling at you.
Let your smile forcefully take the clothing from a fellow inmate
and when he's nude, let your smile penetrate him without love or respect
Don't be afraid of this smile.
When he begs to be killed after your smile has had it's way with him,
Let your smile grant his wildest wish.
Take the very 9mm of your smile and set the barrel right behind his ear...
Then SMILE, smile his brains all over the new copy of X:3 that your never going to watch because of how they butchered the comic that I SO LOVED..."Sigh"
I smile at them too!
Let that be the message of the day, and hey, I love you...

The Hardest Part....

Well, I really don't have too much to report except that I went to Nanny O'Briens on what I am calling the closed for business tour. Yet another time when I've gone somewhere and they have told me that there was no reason to even get out of my weed-smoke filled apartment and drive down there. I have gotten a pretty keen sense of D.C. and that is a plus to all this "touring". I haven't gotten lost once in the past few weeks that I've been on my own on the road. October and Novembers schedule gives me hope since I know that I'm going to be performing certain nights, cause this shit is a crap shoot. Really. I must find some way to make myself stand out. Perhaps a vicious scar going down the right side of my face. But then there's the problem of wanting to sexy when I'm in my ordinary day to day tasks. Well...there must be sacrifices...right? Oh God it's too late... THAT WAS FUN, BUT BACK TO MY BLOG.
I will be seeing those of you that decide to go to Topaz tomorrow and who knows, maybe Curt's in the mood for a good BJ. And maybe, I'll find the cheapest hooker I can afford to give it to him. Ah, to live in a world of maybe. Saturday it looks like it's gonna be Ryan Conner, Bird Knight, Brandon Ivey, Lance Smith, and of course...yours truly. So far, I'm going to be nice, and say that my score at the LL is 1-1 but really it's probably more like 0-2. But, I'm giving myself credit for showing up like in the SAT's. So, I'm hoping that I'll rep-it-right and walk away with one of the comic groupies that were hanging out after the show. Ask Jacob Young, Tyler S., Tim Miller, and Herbie(Johnny) Gil. I think they can vouch for the grade of underage beauty that I'm referring to. Picture a cute 16 year old that just told you she's 20. You should just about have it. By they way, I'm kidding about the groupies. For those of you that know I'm no longer with who many would refer to as "that hot blonde girl". I'm enjoying time with myself. Not even temptations of the flesh can mess with that...for long. Well, I'm off to my package dealer's house. The world awaits....

A little late

Well last night I went to Soho and got there a little late. {Excuse Me, I have to share what was indeed the gayest moment of my life) So Justin Schlegel was at the Laughing Lizard and I was so excited that he spoke to me that I got a little carried away. He tapped my arm and I did some kind of barely-miss-his-penis good luck tap. It was awful and we both paused like "that had to be an accident". It was awkward. It ran through my mind several times today, and all I can do is laugh. Moving on...

I got there late and had to watch so I got to see a lot of newbies from the DC Improv class. It was okay. There were a few of them, whose names escape me, that were quite funny to me and Chris Barylick rocked the house in rare form last night. By the way, he smokes the slowest cigarette I've ever seen. Love ya Chris. So, I left a little early with my hetero partner Nelson, and went to pick up my packages from my package dealer. Mmmmm... sorry. I didn't mean to have Nelson there for so long cause the situation is awkward enough, but we ended up being there for several hours. But seeing as the package dealer has a room decorated like a 10 year old still in love with Dragonball Z, Nelson was able to achieve comfort. And the second hand smoke probably helped him too. Just a feelin'. Today it's off to Cafe Japone, I think. Unless I fall in love with the idea of sittin' on my ass. But, last week I drove up there only to find out by two Japanese bartenders laughing at me, that there was no open mic. Hopefully all those issues have been resolved, cause I'm dying to get on the mic. All this watching just makes me really anxious to see how my new material will be received. Time will tell, but for now.... Later.

My handicapped joke got cut off at the knees?!

Well last night was a time for reflection. I came to the stage with nothing on my mind to talk about and said, "I'll just wing this shiduzie!" That's exactly what I did. For a while, the comedy spot crowd showed some pretty hardcore love. But then I left room for judgment and cast out a joke that they threw right back to me. Boy that room got quiet quick, I just thank GOD that it was my last joke of the night.
Overall the night wasn't too bad. I saw some great sets from comedians that I knew and ones that were a rather fresh face for me. Congrats and shout-outs to Jimmy Meritt/Leslie, Aparna, they other black guy that went right after me(who was extremely funny to me), Jerry Thomas and all the others. I almost wanted to get a copy of the show so I could see my set again. I threw myself against the black(what appears to be a wall)wall but that was an optical illusion made by Curt Shackelford. That makes the score 1-0 CURT. We'll see how the game concludes...with DEATH! or maybe not. Feels good to be getting these thoughts down on blogs again. I've missed the strange inner dialogue that proceed my sentences. No hears it but me, and it allows for a thought to grow to a set like every good thought dreams of at the end of their LIFE(?) Well I'll write back tomorrow cause I plan on swingin' by Soho on this quest for acknowledgement within a group of my peers. Plus, it felt really good to get up there last night after many attempts that ended in me watching. Well folks, til' tomorrow then....